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IsolatedRomantic
311 M Embraced 2
PathStep 12 Compassion hearts29 Forum posts14 Forum upvotes12 Current upvotes12 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 2019 Member sinceDecember 31, 2018
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Depression/Self-hatred keeping me lonely
Depression Support / by IsolatedRomantic
Last post
 January 4th, 2019
...See more I am a 21yr old male who works part-time and lives with his parent. For quite some time I have been in a on and off depressed state, but now I can say that I am normally depressed. And why I mention self-hatred is because I often speak alloud to myself and mentioned today that I just want people to hate me as much as I hate myself, but I can't give this to myself because by no means do I ever really want to make someone else feel bad--there is too much sh*t in this world already. So I am stuck in this cycle of anger and sadness when I am not busy doing something. I do try to keep busy, I work out in the morning, make a list of things I want done for the day and normally i'll meet these tasks but after I am left to myself, a dark self. I am new to this site so idk if this is too long but I want to continue. Ever since I was a small boy my timidness was very apperent, I didn't like leaving the house and would take a very long time to warm-up to people, which made and makes finding friends very difficult. While I was young (~9) I did a horrible thing so a sibling, something that is all too easy to remember. When I reached my freshman year of high school my mother died from cancer, and now I can say that she is the only person I ever truly loved (I again can recall this memory of my mother just a few hours before passing all too easy, she was so doped up on medicine she couldn't formulate any sentences or recognizable words, I told her bye and she slightly raised her to me to mumble something and I lost it.) My father is an alcoholic, always has been and now I don't know why he would ever stop. I just outlined the most devestating sh*t in my life, the main events, but I will have you know that I/we are not poor and never been, and my father isn't and obvious alcoholic--just when he does not work. My looks are not bad, I dress well and own a nice car, but this all ties into the heart-breaking truth that I am terrible around girls despite a good amount of interest in me. I believe that depression/self-hatred is helping me isolate myself beyond shyness, I can hardly speak to others sometimes and I find it really difficult to open myself up to girls. I don't want to be alone but sometimes it just feels all too easy to let the uncomfortable moment pass just to suffer later. Never have I ever had a girlfriend, and even with my close friends i like to keep a good level of secercy, but now I just long for a person who I can even remotely understand what i am going through.
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