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Abusive Relationship PTSD - Still Struggling

Trauma Support / by JLL118

August 15th, 2017

...See more I find it hard to believe that this time last year I was in this really abusive relationship. My ex girlfriend wasn't native to the UK, and last Summer I travelled to where she was from for two months to meet her family, and this is where I witnessed her mother and sister being abusive towards her, and I ended up getting the backlash of it. She was mainly mentally abusive but there were occasions she'd hit me and/or push me around. I was treat like a hostage. I often said I could have gone to prison for two months and been treat better. But it's like I was told to either sit outside and stare at the same spot day in, day out, or I'd be sent to my room like a naughty child if my ex and her mum wanted to argue, and I never had a clue what was going on, I just had to follow orders. I mean I was 19, and even turned 20 out there. One year on, I'm 21. But it isn't getting any easier. It hit me the other day that maybe I do have PTSD. In May, I travelled to Germany to visit a friend who was studying out there for a few months. I went into the room where he was staying and I couldn't cope. Where he had his bed, desk, wardrobe and then where the door and window were positioned, it was all exactly the same as the room I stopped in last year. I couldn't stay in this room. I was in a different country, with different people under different circumstances and yet I couldn't cope. The problem is, I just keep replaying the things that happened over and over in my head, wondering why I didn't just end things with her and fly back home, but saying that, the abuse was worse once she came back to the UK. We broke up in January, and around April I started hanging around with an old friend of mine whom I became closer with, and me and her are now official. I love her to pieces and she knows about my history and promises to stick by me and support me. But to me, she shouldn't have to, one thing I've been worried about is disturbing her in the night when I struggle to sleep, or when I have nightmares, and she ended up seeing that last weekend. She tells me I didn't disturb her in the night but I know I did. I'm constantly just getting flashbacks and nightmares. I'm trapped. I don't want to live in the past, I want to be happy and live for the moment and future.

Anxiety is stopping me from moving on in a relationship?

Anxiety Support / by JLL118

July 25th, 2017

...See more So for around three years now, I've been good friends with a girl, for the sake of this chat I'll call her 'H'. So H was a friend I met at college and after a few months of getting to know her, it was starting to become clear that she liked me more than friends, though she was shy. But back then I'd just turned 18, and I won't deny, I judged her solely on looks. And my friends at the time were also turning around and telling me I could do better. Just before I turned 19, we'd distanced a little bit. And in this time I met another girl whom I got into a relationship with. I noticed quite soon that H had deleted me from Facebook, I messaged her asking what's gone on and she re-added me, told me she didn't know what happened. But I knew she was upset from me. And this relationship only lasted a month or two, and me and H became close friends again. It got to this point where I thought, should I just get into a relationship with her? But I was still immature at this point, and distanced again when I got into a relationship with a girl I met at university, I'll call her 'K' Me and K were together for just over a year. Although around eight months into the relationship, we'd hit quite a bit of trouble, and I needed one specific friend. H. And she was there straight away with open arms, despite me being a loser who'd distanced with her twice for another girl, she was still waiting there with open arms. She kept me sane during this abusive relationship with K, but things took a turn for the worst after the Summer, K was all the more abusive and I distanced from H yet again. We still spoke though so this wasn't as bad as the previous times and she understood why this time. Me and K broke up at the beginning of this year, and since then I've been a mess. I realise more and more every day just how much torture I went through in that relationship, and I've become a lot closer with H since then. Even closer than we were before I'd gotten into other relationships. A few months after I broke up with K, H had broken up with her boyfriend, and one night I took her for a drive and we went to the coast, this was at midnight. I held her in my arms most of the night, we were both in quite a bad place, and later on I kissed her. I told her a few times I wanted to just stay friends with her but as time has gone on, we've done a lot more than just kissing, put it that way. I have developed feelings for her and we have admitted that we like each other, it's just me who's holding back, and that's because I'm scared. I'm scared we'll get deep into a relationship again and that she'll turn into K. I know all girls aren't the same, and my friends tell me to get with H as well as she's been the one who's stuck by me and cares a lot about me. But K cared about me a lot at the beginning, and I wasn't expecting her to start beating me up and emotionally blackmailing me like she did. She stole from me and my family and left me in a bit of a financial mess with no appreciation whatsoever. H, another friend and my family have literally been picking up the pieces here. I'm still depressed over my last relationship, and as much as H knows this and promises she's there for me, she doesn't deserve to have to go through this. I mean it might get to a point where we sleep in the same bed together and she ends up getting disturbed when I wake up sweating and in a panic after a nightmare (because those happen a lot) or she has to spend days with me being down all of the time. Times where I'm down, restless, edgy or just angry. I know she's promising to stick by me no matter what mood I'm in, but for one, I don't feel like she deserves it, and two I'm just anxious she'll get fed up of it one day and see for herself that she can do better. I don't know how I deserve her after there's been two occasions I've distanced from her for other relationships. She really is a true friend and I can't bare to lose her if a relationship doesn't work out..

My ex girlfriend is still being controlling towards me?

Relationship Stress / by JLL118

March 3rd, 2017

...See more We're both in our second year of university although we got together quite early on at the start of university and we were together for just over a year. We were so happy together but then her mother got involved, who was an absolute control freak and would just use her daughter and treat her like a slave and ruin her life. She controlled her husband and other daughter too but they just used to bow down to her every command. I spent a few months away last Summer with her and her family and some of the things I witnessed were scary. Her mother didn't speak English although obviously being together at the time, she'd tell me her mother was saying all these hurtful things about me and my family when her mother had never met them. I tried to get her to come back home with me and get away from this control but she wouldn't. She was being bullied and manipulated everyday but there was no separating her. Anyway I went home where after that I just noticed this huge change in her, she was also bad mouthing my family to me (Despite them giving her everything she could ever dream of) and I stuck by her for a long time hoping she'd snap out of it but she didn't. She actually became her mother. Sometimes she looked like the double of her, although mainly it was just her behaviour. It scared me though, I felt a little tied down because I loved her to bits but also worried she was going to turn more into her mother, into this control freak and this manipulative person. We agreed just after new year this year that we'd break up so long as we could stay friends. This was a mutual agreement but shortly after, she started talking to me more and more about this guy from her work, then all of a sudden she distanced from me a lot to stay up until the early hours of the morning messaging him. We were living together at the time (a long story but she was living with me and my family quite early on into the relationship due to her old place being unsafe) but I suggested to her that if she's moved on and we've broken up, then there's no point us really living together anymore. And she agreed and found somewhere to live a few weeks ago. Since then, it's safe to say she has gotten closer with this guy from her work and she admitted she has some kind of feelings for him. I was absolutely fine with this, as just because we didn't work out, doesn't mean she wouldn't work out with anybody else. But I recently became close with another girl in our university class, she's been showing an interest in me for just over a month and it's safe to say we've gotten closer. Yet my ex girlfriend is now getting funny with me for 'ditching' her to go and talk to this new girl. I am trying to make the effort to be equal with everybody, and I do feel really bad for my ex as she has nobody whatsoever in her life apart from her manipulative family back at home who she thinks loves her. I want to stick by her and be a friend to her. But at the same time I'm feeling tied down by her. I feel like I have to spend every single minute of everyday with the way she behaves. Yesterday she went back on her word and said she's not having feelings with this guy from her work, But they're going on a date today! But she is classing it as a friends date, nothing will come of it etc. I seriously don't mind what it is, I just wish she'd stick by me regardless. If I was to even get with this new girl, I can't be expected to ditch her for my ex girlfriend..And I wouldn't mind but I did spend some time with her this week, but clearly it wasn't enough time. But here is my dilema. She might be my ex girlfriend and we might not have worked out in a relationship but she's still a really good friend who'll look out for me, but do I really want to ditch her for some girl I haven't even known all that long? In that respect, no I don't but I feel it'll come to this. I feel like I'll lose one or the other, and this girl could be the one for all I know.. Any advice?

I'm just worried about my girlfriend's mental health?

General Support / by JLL118

December 22nd, 2016

...See more I have a feeling my girlfriend could be suffering with Bipolar or BPD. We've been together a year and a month now and everything was perfect at first but then over time, I started seeing that her mum abuses her emotionally quite a lot, and then she lost her grandfather and godfather within the space of a week and she became really depressed. One night after an abusive skype call to her mum, I offered her my bath that I'd run for myself, she took it and tried to drown herself in it. I don't know if she really did try to drown herself or if she just wanted attention, but straight away, alarm bells were ringing in my head and I pulled her out and started draining the water. After that, she spent some time with my mum and they played a game together and I kind of just backed off wondering what to do. I noticed her getting more and more depressed as time went on, waking up on a morning, turning some game on and not turning it off until around 2/3am in the morning. It was like this for around a month. Anyway, we went to visit her family (they're european so it was a flight away for me from home) and I was invited to stay with them for two months. I saw the abuse from her mother all the more clearly then. She was forcing her to work over 16 hours a day without a break or without food. I think me and her actually got to go out about two or three times together within the space of two months. That's about 3 days out of over 60. She became worse and worse as the time went on, and I even came home early which I don't think she liked. I tried to tell her that her mother was toxic and was doing all of this to her, but of course, she's her mother and it's not going to go in. Then she would abuse her and my girlfriend would believe me, but then she'd soon distance from me again and start being depressed and taking it out on me. I'd promised to stick by her regardless and I have done. Anyway she came back to the UK about a month after me (we're at university together and it's how we met) and due to a long story, she's been living with me and my parents since early this year. But she came back a completely different person altogether. She became so angry, so lazy and so unethused. I remember this really ambitious girl who had her dreams all set out in front of her eyes and these days she doesn't want to put any effort into university whatsoever or into anything. She's having these horrible mood swings and actually getting really abusive towards me. Mostly mentally but sometimes she pushes me around physcially. (I've ended up grabbing her sometimes in anger so I'm no saint..) but I'm depressed because I'm seeing her so hurt and she's not the girl I first met anymore. I know this is her mother's doing but getting that through to her is near enough impossible. I've been reading a lot on Bipolar and BPD and many suggest that this is caused by parental abuse and poor upbringing. Her dad is a lovely guy but he is also controlled by his wife (aka her mother) so she controls and abuses her whole family and they just let her do it. Apparently her mum also had an abusive unbringing though. But this scares me thinking my girlfriend is already going to end up the same. I'm already seeing the same traits sometimes and I then think that years down the line she could end up like that. Sometimes I look at her and she looks like her too. I want a future with her and I love her unconditionally but these days I just can't see it. I just don't know what to do anymore..

My girlfriend and possible Bipolar Disorder?

Bipolar, Schizophrenia & Psychosis Support / by JLL118

December 12th, 2016

...See more So me and my girlfriend have been together for a year and a month to be precise, and since then, we've been through quite a lot. I've discovered that her family don't treat her all that well and I think that has a massive effect on her, but she doesn't see any bad in them whereas myself as an outsider, can see they don't really want her and this kills me. But I'll mainly just talk about the times where I feel she may have BPD. So from being together, I know her mum has treat her awfully and giving her abuse. But my girlfriend was living in this horrible house and me and my family invited her to come and live with us. She didn't want to at first but in the end she did. Although it was a few months later that her mum started on her again. I'd ran myself a bath until I saw her crying after a phone call, so I told her to get into it instead and relax. I sat with her, talking to her and then she started saying she didn't want to be here anymore and was dunking her head under the water. I don't know if she really was suicidal or wanted attention but regardless I pulled her back up numerous times. It was then that she seemed to distance a little bit. She later lost two family members and that made her worse, but it's understandable. But it went on for months when she just became so angry, I'll admit I shouldn't have, but even I distanced from her a little bit. She then got her head into some game but she was playing it from late morning until after midnight. About 14 hours each day. She knew she was returning home for the summer and to be forced to work so she was claiming she deserved a rest. Her family aren't from the UK but she returned home in the summer, and I was invited to stay with them for the duration. At first her mum was lovely, couldn't fault her yet within a matter of weeks her mum was stealing money from her, forcing her to work 15/16 hours a day for the family business. And then it got to a point where her mum was abusing me and my family, calling me and my mum mentally ill and telling my girlfriend that me and my step dad were going to rape her. She was worried about her mum being mentally ill and from the looks of it, she was. About a month and a half into the trip, my girlfriend just changed on me one evening. She got into this horrible mood with me. I started packing my bags and she thought I was joking but she invited me for a walk, all she did was hurl abuse at me. The one that got to me the most was when I reminded her that her mum called me a rapist, and she turned around and told me I was and that I raped her of her virginity and forced myself on her. That did it for me, I went back and continued to pack my bags. She broke down in tears begging me not to leave her and that she loved me. She said "I've been a horrible girlfriend I'm really sorry" and she was on her hands and knees begging me. I didn't go. But I did return home when I was supposed to and she was getting funny with me over Facebook plenty of times. When she returned back to the UK, she became completely different. She became so angry, so lazy, so unenthused about her future. She used to be so ambitious about university and she's spending her time doing other things when I try to push her to do her work, and then she's upset when she's getting low grades. My family are getting stressed due to her not helping around the house and she's just living here rent free. She's only just found a job, but it's more the fact she just sits in bed all day playing games or watching videos and rarely socialises with my family anymore or helps with chores around the house. My step dad suggested bipolar to me a few weeks ago and it got me thinking. But then a few days ago she just turned on me after a week of being so happy and enthused with herself. It was then I thought of it myself. And realised something isn't right. I was reading other forums where a guy said his girlfriend (with suspected BPD) is accusing him of loving other girls in which she does. But other things I've seen from websites, during the depression stages she just refuses to have sex with me and rejects me all the time, she closes herself in and plays games or whatever for a while. But during the mania, well sometimes that includes unsafe sex (I know I'm included with that but we're so intimate it just happens and I know it needs to stop) and she talks loud and fast. On Friday she was annoyed at me and didn't talk to me all day, yesterday I couldn't get her to stop talking she was that enthusiastic and happy. And then going to bed she just dropped again, saying horrible stuff about my mum just before going to sleep. I apologise for it being long, but believe me, this isn't the half of it. I love her so much but whilst she carries on treating me like this, I can't see a future with her. I know mentally I'm not right either, I'm going through depression too but it's partially because of this, partially because I'm in the middle of my family all telling me she's treating me like a mug and she's walking all over me, when I know there's just something in her head and this isn't the real her. And then I have her badmouthing my family just because her own mum has. Each time her mum abuses her, she's all over me but then whenever her mum is nice again, she can't ever do any wrong. I try to talk to her and even my mum suggested I get her to the doctors but she can't see herself as not being right. She opened up to me last week and admitted she's changed a bit but I can't see her changing back any time soon.. Any advice?

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