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Hi, I'm new here, I think I just need a place to get my story out as a coping method for me. If I happen to help anyone in my process or if anyone wants to give me advice or support, I appreciate it in advance.
A little back story on me, I am a 25 year old. I come from a broken family, that was actually never together. I have 7 siblings. I had an abusive stepfather. I was harassed in school for being gay ever since the first grade. My mom was leanent, my dad was strict. I never really had any stability.
I came out as gay when I was 12 years old. By the time I was 14 and a half years old I started talking to the love of my life. And this is where my story actually begins.
At 14 I was on the social platform known as MySpace. This guy and I started talking online due to having a mutual friend that I went to school with, which is the only reason I continued to peruse talking to him. We talked for about 6 months before we decided to meet up. It was about 2 weeks before my 15th birthday and we decided that we would hang out over spring break. Instantly we both had such a great connection in person just as much as we had online. Over the course of a month we hung out as friends and talked on the phone all the time. After a month, we decided to start dating. Oh, did I mention I just turned 15? My new boyfriend, 17, turning 18 in just another month. Now at this point I was consenting, and my parents knew about him. But his parents were not ok with this, and for good reasons obviously. His parents gave him the ultimatum to breakup with me, or move out. My boyfriend decided to move out and stay with me.
Over the course of the next 3 years before I turned 18, my boyfriend and I had a pretty solid relationship, minus the few months where we both were cheating on eachother. But we decided that, because we were so young when we got together and committed that maybe this was for the best. Kind of an experimental phase to make sure that we actually loved eachother. And low and behold, we both decided that we did in fact love eachother!
As soon as I turned 18 I graduated high school 2 weeks later. We moved into our first apartment together right away. Everything was great, except we put ourselves into massive amounts of debt. Rent raised after a year, so we moved into a new apartment. Debts continued to rise. After another year in our new apartment we decided that we should move in with a family member to save some money to buy a house! At this point we have been together for 5 years. I was 20 he was 23.
Moving in with family is never easy! And though we were saving some money, the 20 months we started at that house started to put a struggle on our relationship. Mainly because neither of us were comfortable with our living arrangments, and it was hard for us to live the kind of life we wanted to live. With this pressure that we were feeling we decided to start looking for a house ASAP! The first house we found online that we liked, we toured, and we bought! (If you are a first time homebuyer- please see atleast 3 houses before you decide)
Our new house was gorgeous and for the first year we were beyond happy! Everything was working out so great. On top of that, I had gotten a promotion, making double my previous salary!
After another year my job started to get very stressful, I was not happy at all going into work! And I was working 50-60 hours a week, when my job description only required me to work 40. My boyfriend started to be less and less supportive of my difficulties that I was having at work. The stress of owning a house and dealing with all the issues that arise through the years was also putting strain on my mental health. I was so stressed out with everything that was happening, and being only 23 years old, all I wanted to do was come home to my partner, and be able to have some intimacy to calm my nerves. But he NEVER wanted to get intimate. Which made me feel very bad about myself. For me, everything was falling apart.
So we decided to book a cruise. We needed a break from life. We had something to look forward to, and we went on the cruise! It was absolutely life changing! We were so happy... for almost another year, even though we weren't having sex.
Now I'm 24 years old, and thinking that because we are financially stable and out of all of our debt, due to my hard work, it is time for me to start looking at rings because I want to get married to my love! Now, marriage is something that we have discussed before, and we always thought we would get married when we were in a better position financially. But when I brought up the ring, my partner said to me "Jay, I will look awful with a ring, my hands are too small." My response, "it shouldn't matter what you look like in the ring! It's to show the symbol of our commitment and love to eachother! My hands are small too!" He then scoughed, and acted like it wasn't a big deal.
This BROKE MY HEART!
A few weeks later we had vacation planned (another cruise). This cruise was longer and going to be so much better than the last one! At first- it was.
My partner makes friends so easily. We met a group of gay guys. He really hit it off with them. I got along with them, but not like he did. Through out the first half of our cruise he got really close with them and kept leaving me randomly to go hangout with them instead of hanging out with me on our vacation! This started to upset me. Not that I thought he was resorting back to cheating, but more or less that he was ignoring me on our vacation!
One of these nights, there was a party that I wanted to go to at 10pm. My boyfriend got so drunk by 4pm with his buddies that we was not able to stay up til the party, and all I wanted to do was dance with him at this party. Naturally I was upset with him and decided that I would go out by myself anyways.
At this party- dancing alone enjoying myself this random guy comes up to me. He whispered to me, "I don't know if you're gay, but you're mad cute." This guy, was so out of my league. So I told him, "yes I am, and I have a boyfriend." About five minutes later, my boyfriend comes waltzing into the party. With my confidence boosted from this hot guy showing interest in me, I pulled my boyfriend in and started dancing with him like nobody's business! But when my boyfriend started feeling uncomfortable by this, walking away from me, migrating towards his friends, I got very angry! So I went to the bathroom to cool off! Not too mention I was drunk and had to go!
On my way to the bathroom, that guy who came up to me before showed up in the hall. He said "if you didn't have a boyfriend, I'd be all over you right now. You are literally perfect! So my type, I love your dance moves." I laughed and told him thank you but no thank you.
Went back to dance some more. My boyfriend still annoying me by not dancing with me. Ended up going to the bathroom again after drinking some more, and guess who showed up in the hallway. My admirer! This time, his words started buzzing around in my head, and stupid drunk me, I told him about how my boyfriend was upsetting me.
One we got to the bathroom, something crazy happened. He pushed me up against the wall, and we kissed. Passionately for about 2 minutes. Luckily nobody walked in. After our kiss, we both looked at each other and agreed that it was wrong! And we parted ways.
The next day, I was so hungover. My boyfriend was mad at me for being hungover. But once I felt better, we started hanging out as usual again. With HIS friends. I was once again being ignored by everybody! All day! Ignored!
By the end of the night around 1130pm, I locked eyes with my admirer who happened to walk by. I told my boyfriend I was going for a walk and I'd catch up with everybody later. So I ended up running into admirer at the club. We talked for a few minutes, and decided to go somewhere quiet where we could get to know eachother better. I made it clear that I think he's cute, but I really just want to get to know him as a friend! He agreed.
Alone, on the front deck of the ship, we talked for hours! Just talked, about everything. Our relationships, lives, interests, work, literally everything! 430am rolls around, and I'm like "shit- we should go to bed, my boyfrinds probably wondering where I am!"
Once I got back to the room, my partner knew I was with said admirer. Jealous, he tried having sex with me. But I was tired so We just went to bed.
The next day all I could think about was my admirer, which made me feel awful! I knew I was starting to have feelings for him. But I love my partner so much, I figured, I should just leave it alone! But I couldn't! I was so upset with my emotions all day, by the end of the day, I told my partner "Listen, I know you know how I'm feeling about him, and I want to hang out with him, I'm not going to lie to you and say that nothing will happen, but I'm also not saying that anything will happen!" Naturally my partner was upset, and eventually let me go. Once again, admirer and I talked all night, til about 5am. This time, we kissed goodnight!
Another day went by, and this night, when I hung out with admirer, we ended up getting very intimate.
At the end of our cruise, I wanted to breakup with my partner.
But HE WOULD NOT ALLOW IT!
He made us sleep together in the same bed as nothing ever happened. He didn't want me to persue my admirer. He loved me and wanted me to stay with him! Eventually, after lots of awkward days passing, I gave in. I realized, what I had with my parter was too good to lose and I felt so ashamed that I had done what I did!
However, after I decided that I would commit back to my partner- I found out he was seeing other people, even though he told me he wasn't! This confused me, but I confronted him and said that if he seriously wanted to be with me, then please, just commit to me, and I will too!
We made it work, we were okay again.
Fast forward to a 8 months later, we are selling our first house and buying a new one! Somewhere where we actually want to be! A beautiful house, in the woods! We definitely aren't city people. So this was perfect!
We moved into our new house in December 2019. By the beginning of February 2020 the love of my life decided randomly, he didn't want to be with me anymore. Being a 28 year old who has been in an 11 year relationship with his partner decided to cheat on him with an 18 year old! This broke my heart into a thousand pieces! Especially because no matter what I said or did, he said he hated me and that I discust him! And litteraly told me, he likes younger guys. And there is nothing I can do about my age!
I did everything I possibly could! And honestly, I tired to do exactly what he did the previous year.
I WILL NOT LET YOU LEAVE ME!
And remember how I said he made us sleep in the same bed like nothing happened, he made me sleep in a separate bed, in a separate room, on a separate floor! For two weeks this went in, and I cried every night. It got crazy!
Eventually I lost it, and I got myself into some trouble.
Now let me just say, being in a same sex relationship, we fought as normal couples do. But we also fist fought. However the domestic assault went both ways! Sometimes he would start it. Sometimes I would start it. We are both at fault for this! And we really tried to control ourselves as we got older, because we knew it was NOT okay!
With me being so upset tho, I just wanted my partner to tell me the truth of what was going on, and he wouldn't! We wouldn't just admit to me that he was cheating on me with an 18 year old! Maybe he was embarrassed? But he wouldn't tell me. And I just wanted to know the truth so that I could move on, if this is really what he wanted. So eventually I grabbed his phone to try to see for myself! He got so mad at me telling me that I was going to kill him if I saw what he was doing. So he ended up hitting me In the head with a cast iron decorative helmet. I started bleeding everywhere! At this point, I started defending myself. And everything went down hill from there for the both of us! After 2 hours of hardcore fighting, we stopped!
After making up and playing nice, it was time for my partner to go to work, but instead of going to work, he went to the police station to file a restraining order against me for domestic violence etc.
Long story short, I was arrested due to having a warrant out.
Having a restraining order with a No Contact Order, I am not able to go back to my house. So I have to stay with my family who lives near by. This is absolutely awful for me, because for the past 8 years I have been self sufficient. I have been making my life the best I can possibly make it! And now, my life is in shambles.
I can't live in my house, I miss my Ex, Covid19 is putting a hold on living life, I have court fines. Everything just sucks!
This all happened about 2 months ago, and I was just starting to feel a little bit better about getting over my ex. Until this happened...
The only social media my ex has me on as a friend (due to us not having much social media anyways) is LinkedIn.
Last week, I noticed, my ex viewed my profile. Then he again viewed my profile a few days later. This felt very weird! Why all of a sudden is he viewing my profile? At first I thought, maybe he's being sketchy and trying to find information to get me in trouble. But it's LinkedIn, there is nothing on there except for my work experience and profile picture. I'm wondering if he misses me? Maybe that's why he's viewing my profile all of a sudden? He doesn't have pictures of me on his phone, and we never were really ones to take pictures together anyways. I'm just not sure what to think at this point. But seeing that made me start thinking about home more and it's again! And let me tell you, that sucks! Because all I want is to be with him again! No matter what he is still the love of my life! And I would do anything to have him back in my world!
I guess In The end, I hope that once all this legal stuff is over with one day we will work it out somehow... but who knows if that's really possible. I mean we have both screwed eachother over so bad. Can we really ever forgive eachother... maybe!? But maybe not!?
For anyone who has read this far, what do you think?
Or Maybe you have been in similar situation, and reading this will just make you feel better that someone else is going through or has gone through what you are.
Perhaps, you are in a super loving relationship, and you want to keep it that way! Please learn from my story and keep your love alive!
Thanks for listening - JAY
