Jovan43 Member Profile

...See more Hi! Ok for context, I have autism but didn't know till about a year ago ( I'm 21 now) My mother had me at 22 with my bio who was severely mentally and physically abusive, when I was born she took off with me and he threatened to kidnap me. So my mother was very overprotective, and by that I mean that I couldn't play outside till kindergarten, I had a problem with fidgeting, tapping and stimming but she didn't deem that to be normal so I would be punished for that usually by making me insecure about it in the moment and then depending on what I was doing Id be beat when I got home if I wasn't home already. When I turned 4 she met the man that would be my step dad till I was about 14, that was great but he was paranoid schizophrenic, and that was fine for awhile (schizophrenia isn't what movies make it out to be) plus he was on medication for it that really helped him, but sure enough mom's manipulation got to him I guess cause he started heavily drinking, which made him delusional enough on top of the fact that alcohol cancelled out his pills so he was basically off his pills and wasted 24/7, by then I was basically raising my 2 brothers, one was about 7 and the other a new born, mom was depressed and never left bed and well we all know where my stepdad was. That's kinda when things started to change, my mother did this thing where she would incite problems and insecurities in me and then try to micro manage my issues as if she were trying to solve them, this made me feel like she was my only chance at surviving, she had me under this false delusion that as long as I NEVER left that I would maybe survive. That she was the only person that could provide what I needed. I was told I could never take care of myself yet I was taking care of everyone EXCEPT myself. This really changed when I met a girl in 8th grade, we started dating and I really started falling for her, which absolutely drove my mother up a wall. Moms jealousy of my girlfriend is what really made me realize that my situation wasn't normal. I wasn't stupid, I understood why mom didn't like her. But I accepted that I couldn't do anything about it. The most that came of that was I started to get irritable and started questioning everything. It was like I was burnt out at a job that was just my life, plus my school life wasn't much better so I never really had a place to run and feel safe. My life continued as scheduled till I met my girlfriend parents, then I realized why we were drawn to each other, she was going through the same thing at home but neither of us would talk about it so neither of us knew, I saw how she was treated and it broke my heart, I couldn't fathom someone doing that to somebody I loved so much. That's when I got angry, I was angry at what I had allowed to happen to me, the anger helped me stand up for myself and I started holding my ground to my parents who were now just divorced. And I'm not gonna lie, it was intoxicating, I seized control of my household, the tables had finally turned especially since at the time I was a 6ft fairly fit 15 year old. Once I had developed a wicked, hairpin temper. It wasn't long before I left I never looked back. My relationship with my girlfriend continued into highschool, my mother ran off to Hawaii with some dude and I was left to my own devices thinking I was fine and that my childhood issues were over. Omg was I wrong, I never considered that the scars were left behind. I had uncontrollable anger issues that were triggered, by what I thought at the time, completely random things, I was controlling, manipulative, and aggressive. It took me a very long time to realize that I had become my abuser, I was still playing my mother's "game" even though she was gone and it was effecting my relationship, I guess I felt like I was saving my girlfriend from embarrassing herself but really my whole reality was distorted, I really didn't know what normal meant anymore, I was simply getting her to conform to my mother's twisted definition of normal. not to mention that I developed habits, I guess relatively I could've been worse but by 16 I was smoking a pack a day and was smoking weed heavily as well as mushrooms and acid and drinking. It became increasingly clear that I wasnt taking this as well as I thought. I had gone completely off the rails delusional. Luckily, my girlfriend never gave up on me no matter how many reasons I gave her to leave, and she helped me get the help I needed to at least have a better control on my emotions but its a never ending battle, we are doing fine now, we both have good jobs, we are engaged and have a baby on the way. But every single day I struggle to avoid things that trigger me, my biggest struggle probably being able to walk away if I'm getting too worked up. I just have that instinct to not just win the battle but the war, I struggle with the concept of "healthy debate" or just talking about problems without letting it get out of hand because with my mother, there was no talking, everything was a fight. There was screaming all day everyday. Mom was just right and I was just wrong, that's just how it was. I went to therapy for my anger and we have worked as a couple to communicate in a healthy manner instead resorting back to that "survival state" as I call it. But it never really ends, I'm better and for the most part I'm pretty functional but it's amazing what can just make you snap and revert you right back like all the progress was for nothing but it's not. Its hard work but it's nice doing little things slowly but surely, I'm proud that I can relax on my couch in my own house and not be paranoid or swear up and down that I heard my mother scream my name at least 3 out 7 days of the week when that was everyday about a year ago and with our baby on the way I look forward to breaking the cycle and ending the trauma with me. Welp, that's all for now, just saw others stories and finally felt ok with sharing mine without just feeling guilty. Thanks for reading all of this if you made it this far lol 🤣🤣

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