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Jowzzey
902 M Little Steps 1
PathStep 25 Compassion hearts23 Forum posts26 Forum upvotes38 Current upvotes38 Age GroupAdult Last activeApril, 2016 Member sinceJune 7, 2015
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Sadness
Depression Support / by Jowzzey
Last post
 November 18th, 2015
...See more This may come of as a ridiculous thing for many but it brings me so much sadness. I found out today that our kitty at dads have run away and hasn't come back yet either. Yes our kitty ran away. But he brought me so much happiness when I was feeling down and now that I will come home to dad and realize that he's not going to be there anymore makes me so sad, and to already be an emotional ticking bomb this just tops it all. I really miss my little kitty, I wish he would come back home, I wish I could hold him once more. I don't think I can put it down to words how much he means to me as well as probably no one really understands why it sadness me so much.
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Storm
Depression Support / by Jowzzey
Last post
 November 12th, 2015
...See more My mind is a storm of the voice screaming awful things to me, about me and there is a storm outside. It's a perfect match isn't it. Standing outside the storm made me feel more alive than I have ever done. Having nothing to make the screaming stop, the storm made me feel better. The wind blowing hard through my hair, hitting me in the face makes me feel better because that is one of the few moment the voice seems to calm down. I could almost scream in the wind without anyone hearing me but I'm afraid that I will wake someone in the family up. Not good at all, I'll be yelled at for screaming. I am so proud of myself anyway; while so many have the tendency to make a cut in their skin and making scars on their skin, I have never done that. I am already so full of scars and not all scars can be seen but they are there, I know that they are there. But they are slowly starting to bleed again. Why? Well I have told someone some of my darkest secrets and I was so scared, I am so scared, that he will leave me because of what I have said. But so far he hasn't. The things he said was that he was proud of me. PROUD! I made someone proud and to be honest it feels amazing. He also said something that really took me by surprise. He told me that next week he has a day of so he will come home to me and spend time with me, have a sleepover just to make me feel better. He is doing so much for me, he is the best friend I have ever met. He is one of a kind. Had I told anyone else about my problems they would have told me to get over it and that it's just a fas, it will get better get over it. But it has only gotten worse. This week has been hell for me. The voice has been screaming louder and louder for each day about how worthless and stupid I am, how no one will ever love me and so on. There really is a storm inside my head and I hate it, but I must live with it for a while longer until I finaly find the source to it all and can cure myself free from it all.
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Just me ranting a bit.
Depression Support / by Jowzzey
Last post
 November 7th, 2015
...See more This few days I've been felling really, pardon my French, shit. I haven't been able to sleep well and when I get some sleep I don't wake up until the late afternoon and to be honest that makes me feel worse. I don't want to sleep all day and be up all night. That doesn't work, I can't live like this. I had a bit of joy today though. I talked to a friend and he noticed right away that I didn't feel well so he started asking me about it and I couldn't hold my mask anymore and broke down, I cried while talking to him, I told exactly everything that was on my mind. Everything from me being scared of being left by the ones who means something to me, to me hating myself. Though I haven't told him I am or have been suicidal. It's been a while since I thought about taking my own life and that makes me proud of myself. I just wish I could talk to him every hour, day and night but I can't. He needs his sleep and I don't want him to miss out on any sleep because of me. I'm just glad he is still in my life as a friend. I just wish that everyone could be that understanding like he is and maybe one day, I'll tell him about my suicide thoughts and tries. Just maybe, I don't know, I'm still scared to tell him about it because what if he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. How I hate to think like that but it can't be helped, that's who I am and what I do. It's a a work in progress and hopefully one day I won't think like that and just tell people what's on my mind even in my worst days. That's enough of my ranting. I don't want this nonsense to be a bitch to read for those who read it.
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