...See more
Hey guys, I'm new to reddit and i needed to talk to a bunch of people about this predicament i'm in. There aren't that many people that i can confide with so I'm entrusting some random strangers on the internet. So ill spill the beans....
I self diagnosed myself as a PTSD patient this year because of some emotional trauma I've been experiencing. I used to smoke marijuana because it helps you forget a lot of memories. Well, ever since i quit, a lot of old memories have been resurfacing and they're causing great distress to my psyche. One of the withdrawal effects that i am currently experiencing is Nightmares. Now i can't seem to shake these nightmares off because they haunt me during the day. Ill give you guys the inside scoop. So back in 6th grade i wasn't the most studious child. I had ADHD and on top of that, i had dyslexia. On a side note, my parents think i self-diagnossed myself with Dyslexia, but i have a theory that i have this disorder. During my childhood i used to go to this facility that helped students with their academics. I can recall this building so vividly, it had a sign green and yellow sign, with glasses signed onto it that said "Private tutoring". As i digressed, all i could say is, english class was an extremely tough course to get through. I didn't do any of the homework because the work was very vigorous for me at the time so i would just act off in the middle of class. One day my teacher was concerned about me, so she had a little meeting with me in class discussing why i wasn't able to do my work. I told her it was vigorous, but she didn't believe me. My teacher, i forgot her name so ill give her the nickname hunchback, called my parents one day. That was the worst way she could've handled the situation. I have a bad situation at home because my parents grew up in India and they believe in physical discipline, when i say physical discipline, i mean beating their kids if they do anything wrong. So.... when i got home, i got yelled at and slapped in the face by my mom. She yelled at me and made me feel like i wasn't appreciated even though i have a learning disability that hindered my attempt at learning. I just wish my parents handled the whole situation with a different approach. This isn't the integral part of the story, but its one of the nightmares I'm having. Okay heres the main story: Well, here goes nothing, ill tell the whole world my story. Ever since the 8th grade, Ive never been the same. I remember sitting in my basement playing my Xbox 360 with my friends while looking at Facebook on my laptop. I was talking to my moms best friends daughter over Facebook until I heard some screaming coming from upstairs. I thought nothing of it until my moms friends daughter messaged me on Facebook asking me if my mother was okay. I ran upstairs as quickly as possible, with no hesitation. Then I witnessed the most disturbing thing a 13-year-old boy could ever see; basically one of the most horrific acts any human can portray onto another happened. My dad struck my mother, and fractured 3 of her ribs. I didnt know what to do at the time. I screamed at my father and told him to get out of the house, as I waited for my moms best friend to come over. While I waited, my cousin, Rishi Seth, called me and told me too bring my mom some water to calm her down. He also told me to remain calm in this situation. He told me I handled the situation very well and that I'm good at following instructions. My mother then started going crazy. She had epilepsy ever since she was a little girl, and they are all caused by stress. She had 3 seizures, one after the other. This was the most horrific experience in my life, and I can never live past it. Before this all happened I used to be the type of kid that brought joy into everyones life. I used to walk around school, talking with enthusiasm, making friends with everyone. I would speak my mind to everyone. I even had two girlfriends that year, before all the fighting. I used to talk so much that my parents would tell me to shut up, and that you speak too much.
So now whenever i talk to my fellow human beings, i don't let them get too close to me because i guess I'm afraid of what they'll think of me.... That year during school, i went mute. I didn't talk to anyone the rest of the year except for my best friend, whom i consider a brother, Louis. He knows all my insecurities, and one of them is to not trust anyone. If i can't trust my parents, how can i trust anyone else? I go to work and this girl is always nudging me to talk, but i never want to talk because i don't trust her. I want to trust her but i feel as if ill get hurt again. Am i being a whiny little "Girl", or in my case, is being afraid justifiable? I REALLY want to learn how to trust people again because I'm a 19 year old man in his sophomore year of college with no friends. I have no social life and i hang out with a bunch of pot smoking losers whom i can't confide in. I work at a gym and my coworkers think I'm weird because i don't talk. I don't even have the audacity to text people back because i feel like I'm a burden on them. I need to move on with this traumatic event and move on with my life.
