Kgparrishh Member Profile

...See more Honestly i don't even know what's happening. I just finished watching this video about people reading other people's coming out letters and it's not that im gay think I'm not i dont really know, but it's that this mother was reading one and she started crying because she felt really bad for the person cuz that could be her daughters some day and she never wants them to feel like they can't tell their parents anything in fear of being treated with disappointment. And without really thinking or trying I started hardcore crying but like for 10 seconds. But the 10 seconds hurt a lot... Because that's exactly how I feel and have been for a couple of years. I'm not suicidal I can say that much, it's funny tho because either im a very proud person and don't want to admit they're a coward with the downs all the time or it's because I'm a coward who doesn't want to think about it. And what also is stupid is while I'm thinking about this im also thinking about my grandma in the other room. Why? Just why. She's never going to read this. I don't want her to. You know what she'd do if she read this. She would talk to me in a condescending voice for 30 min and maybe act like she cares or believes what I'm feeling. What's even better is well will never talk about it again, she will pretend I never said any of this and will think I was just im a bad mood. I'm honestly feeling like a complete [edited by forum mentor for cursing] because there are people out there who would love the life I have and I honestly feel extremely bad for them and I just wish someone was there for them. But in a way im surrounded by people yes, and that's fine but what isn't fine is the people I trust my life with or now that I think about it "have to trust my life with" pretend that all of this, what im feeling isn't real. And I really hate it. It is real. I'm [edited for cursing] feeling it you'd think I'd know. Partially it is my fault I'm a prissy teenager with a smart mouth who acts like they don't care about anything. That's correct I guess In a way. I am starting to not give a shit anymore because since people think I'm strong they think strong people can't have those kind of feelings so let's just ignore them. Anyway that was that part next is my dad. I love my dad a lot. And I have no idea why. This is weird because before I started writing this I was just thinking about how my dad is different from the rest of them. But he isn't which is making everything worse because he is or was whatever was the last person I felt I could talk to. He says i can come to him with anything. You know I've only cut myself a few times and when my dad found out he said that was stupid. If any parent is reading this and you tell your child that what they were doing to express their feeling is stupid because they feel they can't tell their own family then your [edited for cursing] stupid because you're probably the reason your child, brother whatever is doing that to themselves. My grams does this all the time and yes I know she provides me with a wonderful life and great opportunities in the future. But because of her, well mainly her, I basically got dumped because I'm too impersonal. Mind you this was 2 weeks ago and I'm lucky I have a little too much pride because I'm honestly a firm believer in "if didn't happen then it wasn't supposed to" but besides that im still trying to convey to parents who still have the mindset "im the parent. So I say so." That's bull. Yeah yeah you have more experience and I totally get that and I'll hear you out and most likely do what you told me to do because it is probably best for me. But you also need to get it in your [edited for cursing] heads that your children even if they are just a teenager have the same fucking feelings you do and if they feel like committing suicide, do not just think it's their hormones acting up because WHO [edited for cursing] CARES IF IT IS! IF YOUR KID IS SHOWING SIGNS OF DEPRESSION DON'T BE A [edited for cursing] IDIOT AND BRUSH it OFF [edited for cursing]! It's honestly the worst feeling when you have no one to talk to or share what your feeling with the people you love and I don't want anyone to feel the same. I'm going to throw this in here but I'm 16 and very pissed, ha-ha im hilarious I know but I'm serious. Take your children's feelings seriously and don't ignore them because they will feel unloved and that feeling is so sad. Like it creates a giant hole in your chest and it feels like it's caving in. It's suffocating and I just want people to realize that they need to pay attention to their families and just be understanding. Just let them breathe that's all I'm asking.

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