Kierin1 Member Profile

...See more Sorry about the long msg. But 2 months into my relationship a general conversation came up about what we had done in our careers throughout our lives. My partner said she worked at a bar which I new was a strip club so I asked “were you a dancer” which I thought was just general consensus to the conversation we were having. She replied no I only worked behind the bar I never danced. That conversation ended and I never second guessed what she had told me or questioned her about it. 8 months go by and throughout these months the topic of strip clubs and other sex work had come up a few times mostly relating to other people we new and were talking about their situations. During these conversations my partner had made several comments that would indicate her beliefs were against that career choice and often belittled the people we were talking about with comments like “I don’t know how girls can do that and have so little respect for themselves” or “I could never bring myself to do that It’s so unhealthy to sell yourself like that” I just assumed these were her beliefs on the topic and she was expressing her morals.. 8 months in is when I found out she had previously danced in the strip clubs for many years and was a sex worked right before we met. When I found this out I felt betrayed that she had portrayed her beliefs to be something they were not. I understand her reason for doing so because she says she didn’t want to be judged but I felt like I had just spent 8 months with someone who isn’t the person they had made out to be I felt like I didn’t know the real her.. we had an argument about it and moved on but I was cautious about the things she told me and a fair few times caught onto more lies though out the following 6 months these are mainly things I feel didn’t need to be lied about, things I wouldn't have been concerned about if the truth had of been told but it was upsetting me that she was choosing to lie about them. It was more the lie that hurt not what the lie was about. often times I would notice her body language indicating something was wrong and would ask her if she’s okay but would get the response “nothings wrong” I couldn’t definitely notice that was not the case so I would ask a few more times over the next day or so until she then would tell me why she was being blunt and distant to me. When she did finally tell me sometimes the frustration of being stonewalled would initially get the better of me and cause me to not view the problem from her perspective but after a bit of distance I would always compromise to meet her needs. But it would always give me anxiety every time I could notice the her body language change. For example every night we shower together we would always say to one another “are you ready for a shower yet? If not I’ll wait for you” something along those lines but then there will come a night where she would just get up and go shower alone without saying a thing. This would give me anxiety as I wouldn’t know if I had done something wrong or not. When this has happened I have asked her about what was bothering her and told her it makes me anxious when this happens because I feel like I’ve done something wrong and I feel like you won’t communicate with me about it seeing as she would always relates back to “there’s nothing wrong” when there general was something wrong she tells me that I’m being controlling and she just wanted a shower alone and I don’t have any right to question her about it. I don’t know if this is controlling or not but if it is im unaware of it as I just thought I was being anxious relating to previous times she has told me nothing is wrong but would go days being blunt to me to then finally tell me why she was doing so which I tried to communicate to her. I then suggested we see a councillor so we can attempt to overcome the communication barrier between us. She indicated that she was particular about who she would feel comfortable speaking to and I wasn’t to concerned about who it was I was happy to speak with anyone so I left the task of finding someone she’s happy for us to see. 2 months had gone by which in that time I had asked many times if she had looked into or possibly booked to see someone and now she had found someone I heard the phone call where she rang up and booked and appointment after the call I asked. “When could we get in to see this person” and she replied “we?” I’m going to see them by myself not both of us. I was a little devastated at this point seeing as we clearly had different ideas about what was going To happen when I had been suggesting we see a councillor. I was under the assumptions we were going together to work on our communication barrier but she took me saying we should see a councillor as we should both see different people independently and said that’s how this works. The day Her appointment came round I was very anxious because I felt like I wasn’t going to be heard when it came to the problems we were having and when she got home I could see that she wasn’t in a good mood I asked her how it when and she replied “it was okay” I asked “what was their view on our situations” she replied “I don’t have to tell you anything if don’t want to” I was taken back by this I replied “I thought this was about us learning to communicate better “ and I’m just asking what their thoughts on the matter were to which she replied “I don’t want to talk about it and I don’t have to either” after this we didn’t speak to each other for a couple hours and the next conversation I said “this hasn’t helped us at all. If anything you’re communicating less now” she then replied aggressively with “they told me you had no right to ever ask me about What I did before we had met and I had no obligation to tell you either, they said it was wrong of you to ever ask me” And then It was said I was being controlling for asking her about the counselling and I should have never asked her about it it had no right to know anything. I am confused whether this is controlling behaviour or not on my behalf because for the last couple of months I had been under the impression we were going to see someone together to help us with our communication problems. I was curious to know if her session had entailed any suggestions or ideas from the councillor that would help us communicate better. I didn’t think it was going to go like that but I’m still confused if this is classed as controlling or not? And im still confused and to why she she said I had no right to ask her about her previous jobs becAuse it was just a general conversation and she was the one who asked me first I answered then I asked “ how bout you” but now Shes saying that was controlling behaviour too because I had no right to ask to begin with and I had no right to get upset that she lied because she didn’t have to tell me if she didn’t want to?? are these controlling behaviours on my behalf? I don’t know if it’s me and I need to get help to fix these behaviours but I need more opinions?

Bio

Recent forum posts

Talk to an expert therapist

Throughout our lives, we are faced with many challenges and counseling can help...

About Us

Get Started

Online Therapy

Terms

Bio