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KittyKeats
3,346 M Seeking Light 1
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts144 Forum posts50 Forum upvotes67 Current upvotes67 Age GroupAdult Last activeFebruary, 2024 Member sinceMay 22, 2021
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Meeting up with old friend tomorrow
Friendship Support / by KittyKeats
Last post
 February 22nd, 2024
...See more I'm seeing an old friend tomorrow and am just unsure what to make of the mess that's going on (or it feels like that anyhow) He and I have been friends for a long time (20 years). BUT. Last year there was a string of tense interactions that really stressed the relationship It's a longer story but like 1.5 yrs ago I heard less from him for a while (we usually saw each other every week but he didn't reply much or instigate contact). I took it personally and for 2 months didn't respond much/just went absent more since I was frustrated. Really regret acting that way and feel it wasn't fair to him. However, 2 months later I got out of my funk and contacted him again. It felt nice but from the offset I felt things were just different? Whenever we would talk about meeting up he'd really just go awol or not follow up. Like, somehow it felt the 2 months I was absent A LOT happened and I was just learning this more and more (he also got a gf who was sort of moving in). We have a mutual group of friends (he was always closer with them than me). In this time I also learned there was drama going on between my good friend and someone else in our group. When we'd meet up the group would start talking about this person when he wasn't there and kind of gossiping like and it felt really bad cuz I knew him personally too. More I was just kind of really surprised about what had been going on, appearantly my friend and this guy had been having a row for 6 months but kept it under wraps?  It really caught me off guard and made me uneasy, moreso because other people in the group who weren't part of the conflict also seemed to be taking sides against this guy. This all happened while me and my good friend were also on vague terms. I'd app him and he'd seem enthusiastic but he also wouldn't follow up or drop contact completely when we were making plans  (it got to be really frustrating). At a certain point it had been like 6 months and it still kept happening. I'd written it off prior also because I felt guilty about my own behavior but I just wasn't sure anymore if we were on good terms anymore or the cause of him being awol. I could handle seeing him less (he had a new gf which was for the 1st time in like 10 years so I can imagine that being a part of his life) but seeing all the drama that had been going on I just had no idea if him dropping contact often (but not always) was the result of him being genuinely angry with me still about being out of touch those few months like 6 months earlier. I tried to talk to him, asked if he was available to call so I could just ask whether something serious was going on. We arranged a time but when it came to it he just dropped contact again and went awol completely. He called me like 8 hours later but by then I was already so over it and unsure what was going on I felt too distrustful to pick up. I was also just very frustrated and that last event where he cut contact again just frustrated me enough I was really just done at that moment. A few day later I told him via app I needed time for myself. I also left the group chat of the friend circle, told them the same that no one had done much wrong, just that I needed time. It was tough and didn't feel great but I just had completely lost faith at that point. One person asked me if something was going on but, given all the drama and backtalking, I just didn't feel comfortable talking openly anymore. Again I hated cutting contact like that but the group vibe just felt so off for a while it didn't feel like a good setting anymore for sharing This all has been like 6 months ago. Since then, the good friend had apped me a few time asking how I was etc. I told him I needed time and didn't hear much from him till yesterday. He informed me he still had some of my stuff and mentioned to bring it over (I still had some of his stuff too). I agreed and said he could come by tomorrow to drop it off. Right now I feel like I'm just really secondguessing my position in all of this. I feel terrible about the way things ended, and kind of would like to try and reestablish contact. On the other hand I'm just not sure if I trust him. I really wish I'd have the chance to ask him if there was something going on or if he was still angry 6 months ago when I asked to call. But I'm also just very unsure if the group of friends also just turned to gossiping again since I don't want to put myself in the position of trying to reestablish contact when there's still that type of drama going on. I'm sorry if this is a ramble, I'm just really unsure what to do. He was such a good friend but everything I saw going on the last months I was in contact made me really skittish. The drama going on between him and the other guy in the group just felt plain bad to be a part of (I never bad mouthed anyone of course since I had no qualms with this other guy, but still was there when they would talk about him and it just felt very awkward). I'm just not sure of much, particularly because it was so difficult to level with him back then. I'm not sure but would love to hear if someone else had been in a situation like this. I'd not want to lose him but am unsure about his disposition? And even if we could hang out, or he told me nothing was going on (would I believe him?l could I trust the group of friends again? I'm in a place of doubt and just am unsure how to reconcile this with myself and my course of action is as of yet unclear (which I think is part of my larger arc, I'm indecisive as of late, probably in part due to being more isolated).
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I wish I wasn't so dependent on other people's opinions
Personality Disorders Support / by KittyKeats
Last post
 April 25th, 2023
...See more Been in therapy for a while and there's been a hiccup, with that and other issues going in my life I've felt so down and noticing I absolutely crave that validation, to have someone tell me what I do makes sense at all time It's not even been that big of a deal throughout life since I've always had people support me, but now that that is absent I'm suffering so much. I see the room for growth given that for the first time in my life I really do feel I am making the decisions instead of relying on others, but it is hard. I doubt myself, all the time, and it sucks away my energy. There's some stuff probably to be said about poor parenting figures blabla (my dad was always really critical and didn't seem too fond of me growing up, mom similar though a bit more lenient) but in the end it is what it is and I'm living my life. It just sucks feeling so hurt and wounded all the time and I wish I was a bit stronger (and hoping I will be some day).
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Am I overreacting in therapy?
Anxiety Support / by KittyKeats
Last post
 May 11th, 2023
...See more Hey all I've been in therapy for 4 months now. Things have been pretty good & I appreciate and am learning a lot with her and feel like I could make progress long term However, a week ago there was something of a hiccup. I messaged her on the client dedicated portal if she would be up for a short convo in between sessions (we meet weekly) since something was really bothering me. I told her it could wait but that it was bothering me and if she'd have the time I'd appreciate it. She called me but seemed kind of angry-like. Like, from the minute she picked up she seemed a little bit ticked off for some reason. It was nice that she talked (and the subject we talked about was reassuring for me) but she ended the convo by saying that, if she doesn't respond to portal messages or can't call it's not personal (which, I kind of assumed), and also that she hopes I'd develop my trust to know we could discuss such issues during sessions instead of outside during a phone call (which, I said that it wasn't mandatory in my message prior to the call so I don't understand why she'd say that) We talked about it next session but it is REALLY bothering me. Up until that point I felt reaally at home but that kind of screwed my trust. Especially because it kind of seemed like she was blaming me something I'm not sure what I did wrong. Am I overreacting to this? She's been great to that point but for some reason I feel so *** now. She said during next session it also might've been something on her side but I still feel so terrible about this because I really loved my time with her a lot until that point
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How do I stop feeling so down
General Support / by KittyKeats
Last post
 February 3rd, 2023
...See more I've been in a really bad spot these 3 past years, work friends even therapy and all went so bad. There's a lot to say but suffice to say it was just really horrible all around in my experience These last few months I've entered a new therapy and am working again (!) for the first time in 3 years. Yet somehow I feel so terrible and so down and hate it so much Throughout my life even through the bad times I've always been optimistic, even these past 3 years, I always kept my upbeat attitude, yet now I have a great new therapy and new work I just feel DOWN It just feels terrible. I feel beaten, worn down, like I've missed my shot. I'm 35, is what my feelings are telling me. You missed the boat. You're done, you've had your chance but messed up, no use going forward. And I hate hate hate feeling like this because it just feels like it interferes with therapy. Today I had a session and last week too but whenever we discuss any topic I just feel too awful to even go there and can't help but be stuck in my depressive misery I would like so much to work towards are goals at therapy (working on myself) but can't if I feel to depressed talking about ANY topic that isn't the "everything sucks and I feel terrible" convo Does anyone have any tips on dealing with this? I feel terrible being so down and feel useless in our (my) therapy. I just want to feel my optimistic self again but am just so so down all the time (Thanks to anyone reading this I know it is a bit of a ramble but just hate feeling so down all the time)
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Feeling terrible
Depression Support / by KittyKeats
Last post
 May 8th, 2023
...See more I don't even know why but I feel terrible. I've had a very *** 2.5 years going on but thing seem(ed?) to be going better yet I feel like complete ****. Am in therapy and she's so great but also recently started a job a month ago which is good sometimes and feels less so at other times. Really not sure why I'm in such a funk rn it sucks usually zi at least know why I'm feeling bad but I guess not today. Sorry just needed to vent I'm not sure what is going on (not suicidal or anything just stressed)
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How to get over past hurts?
Family & Caregivers / by KittyKeats
Last post
 June 11th, 2022
...See more Hello all, last year was a bit of a rough year for me in a number of ways. However, of all things I carry around (which are still a few, but I am working on it) one that hurts me most is how I broke off contact with my parents and others. Last year I had put my trust in a number of people, and as it turns out that ended up in the worst way possible, leaving me to totally seclude myself out of self-necessity, especially for example from my parents, who I've barely had a serious conversation with in a year since I cut them off. It is not that I do not wish to talk to them, it is just my trust is so seriously sored, especially since in that period last year things just ended for worse whenever I opened up to them. Since the beginning of this year, fortunately, I found an amazing therapist who I'm so grateful for and who I've been making great strides with, and that helped build my trust back up, but I am still struggling with getting over the past. I do not want to be on barely speaking terms with my parents, but whenever faced with them or whenever they ask me personal questions all the hurt just comes hurling and I just remove myself/withdraw because I know the alternative is to scream at them in frustration which I do not want to do (I am not living with them anymore, have my own home), I see this as something that I must make sense off by myself, but I am not sure how to go about this. Sorry for the wall of text, has anyone perhaps met with similar conditions? Am greatly appreciative for anyone sharing their story or just general thoughts if any come to mind 😊 my therapist is really great but unfortunately my sessions will end soon so I'll not be able to work with her so I thought I would ask you guys
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How would you go about dealing with this?
Relationship Stress / by KittyKeats
Last post
 November 25th, 2022
...See more Hey all, feeling kind of bogged down by something and thought someone else might offer some perspective I've a good friend I've known for a long time - like 20 years or something. We've always been on good terms, but since a few months ago we decided to write music together & have fun jamming together, like start a musical project. However since then - I almost regret saying yes to this because I feel like things aren't vibing well. Basically, every since we started I feel like I'm not much in control. In the beginning we wrote some songs together & I played around with some material he wrote - I thought we were writing songs together but when I sent it to him he initially appeared excited and then just kind of dropped the whole thing. I had put some effort into the songs (also consisting of his riffs he wrote) but we didn't really talk about it afterwards and I feel that sucks because I spent quite a bit and he seemed to not want to go through with them. It's been a couple of months since but I feel like worse and worse on having started writing music with him. We had been in a band 10 years ago - I felt similarly frustrated then. A couple of months in all of the material I had written kind of got pushed aside because he felt it didn't fit the style of the band (which I thought was hurtful, wasn't I part of the band?) and we ended up with 9 songs with onl 1 from me while i had written a lot more. I feel the same thing is repeating now. It's come to the point that I don't even WANT to talk about anything related to music with him becauseI just instantly get frustrated because I feel disregarded. I've avoided him for about a week on whatsapp (he prob knows something is up). I feel it's come to a point where I can't just disregard it anymore because I'm just so sick and don't even WANT to talk about music or projects even though he is terribly excited. I know I have issues with avoidance & stating my feelings and in retrospect wish I'd said something sooner because now I just feel like totally frustrated even doing anything related to music with him. Sorry for the blogstyle post lol. I'm meeting him tomorrow and will prob want to talk about it but not sure how. I really like him of couse still as a friend & love to talk about other stuff but whenever with him nowadays all he wants to talk about is music (like, LITERALLY all the time) and I'm just not having fun anymore since I'm not as excited as he is. So yeah, if you made it this far, props to you lol. I just want to deal with this the right way because in the past I've literally BLOWN up after carrying feelings around vs another person which ended horribly & wish not to repeat that (don't think it will, but all the same)... Any thoughts appreciated
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Cognitive decline
Trauma Support / by KittyKeats
Last post
 November 13th, 2021
...See more Does anyone experience cognitive decline as a result of trauma/serious life events? I had an event a year and a half ago and I still haven't managed to get proper treatment for it due a lot of things going wrong. I'm sitting at home a lot and am not able to do much besides doing generally low-key activities because anything that requires much attention or effort causes me to have severe headaches. It is already a mess but the thing I hate most is I seem to be really having more difficulty pronouncing words and performing any sort of mental tasks. I'm sure it has to do with the stress my head is under but I feel just so awful noting that my head has just become slower and I feel more dull. Tasks that I was good at come more difficult and it makes me lose confidence because I can't do the things I used to or have become worse at them and it crushes me to note this and lose more confidence. Has anyone with prolonged trauma experienced the same? I would hate to turn into a shell of the person I once was, I don't wanna decline into a puddle of mud home-ridden for the rest of my life.
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