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KodoBeast
1 55 M Embraced
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts6 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes2 Current upvotes2 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 2021 Member sinceJanuary 11, 2021
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Past Trauma
Anxiety Support / by KodoBeast
Last post
 January 25th, 2021
...See more I wanted to share a difficult experience from my past that still affects me today. It’s been 4 years, so my memory is a bit spotty. It was winter term of my senior year of college, and our degree requires completing either a thesis or a group project. I hadn’t known what I wanted my career to be at that point, and I thought a thesis would give better opportunities. Even though I had signed up for a group project, I switched to a thesis. After getting sign-off from my advisor, I started work on my thesis. I scheduled my first progress update meeting with my advisor, but when I met with him, the tone of the meeting drastically changed. In past meetings, he was supportive of the project and friendly. Now, he was berating me for letting the meeting start late even though I was waiting for his previous meeting to finish, and telling me I should’ve interrupted his previous meeting instead of letting our meeting start late. He then said my thesis project was inviable, and I was at risk of failing. During the time, I was also dealing with severe medical issues. My acid reflux was keeping me up at night; I barely got 5 hours of sleep a day. I was also urinating blood, and had scheduled a CT scan to check for cancer (it wasn’t and I’m fine). I am ashamed to admit this, but I exploited my medical issues to my advantage, against my morals and principles. When my advisor explained that I was at risk of failing, it was technically too late into the term to drop out of the class. I told my counselor I was too preoccupied with my medical issues that I didn’t pay attention to deadlines to drop the class in time. I was giving a sob story about a possibly life-threatening medical illness to get myself out of a situation I put myself into. After requesting support from my doctor and counselor, the school ultimately did let me drop the class. The group project option wasn’t available anymore, but I found a replacement advisor in the following spring term to do a short 1-term thesis project. I graduated. I’ve been wondering why I committed to a thesis. My original advisor was right: the project was inviable, but I wanted to believe it would work out. I was desperate for excellence. I wanted to complete a thesis in case I decided to go to grad school, and to get a recommendation from my advisor in case I needed a reference. The truth was that I already had a job offer from a great tech company, but I worried irrationally that the offer might be rescinded. The thesis would give me back-up options. My irrational and catastrophic mindset pushed me to do something I clearly wasn’t ready for and really didn’t need to do. I’ve also wondered why I didn’t recognize my advisor’s passive-aggressive behavior. I’ve grown up with passive-aggressive parents, and I’m worried that I’m subconsciously attaching myself to these kinds of situations because I’ve become conditioned and accustomed to them. In fact, my first manager at my tech job engaged in gaslighting, and I stayed on that team for almost a year longer than was required. I’m also ashamed to feel like a victim because I partially deserve what I experienced, since I disingenuously used a sob story to break my thesis commitment with my advisor. The truth is that these situations are all my fault: I should not have made a thesis commitment to my advisor, and I should have transferred away from my first manager’s team way earlier. However, part of me believes that I am horribly incompetent, and my advisor and manager’s behavior towards me is justified. Even worse, I have found myself acting passive-aggressively and gaslighting towards friends, and I should know better. Thanks for reading this story. I don’t have a question, but I do want to hear what other people have to say. I’m trying to overcome a number of issues right now (chronic vomiting, underweight, anxiety, difficulty sleeping), and I’m hoping that sharing this story and possibly other stories will help me.
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