Kristinarenee35 Member Profile

...See more Let me start off by saying this man I've been with is overall a great guy. He is the father to all four of our children. He is a fantastic dad and works hard. Provides well for his family. With that being said, he's so emotionally and mentally abusive. NOT physical but emotional, and its draining me. I love him, but I am NOT in love with him. We started dating when I was 17. I've known him since I was 9. My brothers best friend. Yep I said that. I always knew I liked/loved him since I was 9, but It was my brother's friend. As we grew up, I started falling harder for him. He was just so caring. Soon after dating we fell pregnant, I was still in high school and our relationship was long distance. He had a license i didn't. He made the trek to see me all the time. He however never trusted my intentions or me. To some degree that made sense l, long distance relationships are hard and just don't work doe everyone-- especially for teens. We fought often. Mostly of his jealously. When we were together he was fine. I ended up misscarrying this baby, which came as a relief. I was still in school, and we were just too young. The night of my miscarriage we were out all night FIGHTING...once again trying to prove I loved him. I decided hell, to make him believe me, lets run away together. So we can finally be together. I knew he loved me and I loved him. Things went well after taking off together, and if anything we fell more in love. We found a hostel like place to stay and just enjoyed the ride. Finally though after job searches and not finding stability we decided to move back. We moved in with his parents whom from day one were our cheerleaders and financially the only ones available. We moved back right before Thanksgiving and I found out 2 months later that we were once again expecting. I enrolled back in school got my diploma and dan [ my boyfriend] got his job back after we got back. He worked at holiday gas station and had since 16 and he was now 19, so there was a respect for him at this job. Into my 8 month we moved into our first apartment and overall things were good. When we.got into arguments he prefers to not communicate and often left me with our newborn to run away from facing the situation. Not for the night or anything or to do anything bad just to leave the situation. My struggle was and still is that he walks away from everything. And when he does leave he doesn't tell me where he's going. I just learned to not let things get to me and started to just pick my battles. Fast forward to around 2016, 3 kids in. Our 3rd move, but our best move. Cheaper rent and a bigger house. Through becoming a mom I lost myself, but then I started working on me, by going back to work etc. I gained confidence that I had been lacking and for the most part he was happy about that. I needed friends though. All I did was sit in the house and hang out with him. I was longing for girls nights or nights away. Even going to my sisters he struggled with. He was controlling not in and evil way, but nevertheless controlling. I finally realized this. When we had fights he would go to bed and I would go running and crying to him to make it better. Often I chose not to go out if it upset him. Here we are today and im resentful of his behavior. I met a friend, my bestest friend and we do everything together. I was there when she had her first child at 34, and as a mom at this point of 4 it meant so much to her. So here's why I'm here. Im.sick of the control, sick of the gaslighting, sick of.proving to man I've loved for 19 years that I love him. I mean will it ever be enough?? I don't know what to do. We did counseling but then it got expensive. When we did counseling we were in such a better place. I was happier, but im not sure I'm willing to rely on counseling to save this relationship. Thoughts, questions, advice....anything?? I just don't know anymore.

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