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Kylenostyle
3,190 M Seeking Light
PathStep 74 Compassion hearts522 Forum posts15 Forum upvotes16 Current upvotes16 Age GroupAdult Last activeJune, 2020 Member sinceFebruary 29, 2020
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Need serious help...terrified and sick
General Support / by Kylenostyle
Last post
 April 3rd, 2020
...See more Okay so I
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Avoidant...can
Anxiety Support / by Kylenostyle
Last post
 April 4th, 2020
...See more My anxiety and panic are so bad that even when I begin to do something I need to do (in this instance, look at my emails and reply to them) I can't continue because I can't even stand to look at what I'm doing. My eyes dart in a different direction so I don't have to see and myheart starts goin nuts and I have to exit so I can't see it anymore. I've been getting messages piling up which is only making my anxiety worse. It's not that I'm afraid they'll be mad exactly, I just think it's like a severe irrational phobia of communicating with other people at all. Happens with people I'm close to as well at times, and it's making continuing life impossible. Not sure what to do honestly.............I feel so much pressure but I can't even do what I need to...I end up punishing myself bc I don't know what else to do...getting really bad........
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life experience doesn't feel "real" enough to count TW CSA? Maybe? Idk?
Trauma Support / by Kylenostyle
Last post
 April 11th, 2020
...See more So I guess I'll go through everything I can remember through my life regarding this stuff, just to help me sort out my own thoughts. I pretty much knew how to masturbate since I was a baby, and while I know that certain sexual behaviours can happen during any age, I always felt so embarrassed that I was like that. I didn't really know what I was doing, just that my body was responding. As a child most of the time I wasn't bothered by this, but sometimes I'd feel gross afterwards and had no idea why. I don't have any memories of abuse as a young child, and was actually a pretty happy kid overall. Anyway, to shorten up my life story a bit, my mom died when I was 8, my dad simultaneously lost his job, and we had to move to a different state to stay with family for a while. I got to spend a lot more time with my cousins, who were mostly my age, but there were a few who were older, in their teens. When we were play together, the girls would often point out "attractive" and "unattractive" parts of my body. Saying things like "your ass would be nice if your face wasn't so bad". Basically a lot of calling me ugly and that it was a "waste" to have a face like mine cuz it made my private areas "useless". One of the girls in particular (the oldest one) always liked to talk to me about her little sexual escapades. She never touched me or anything like that, but wasn't particularly nice talking about my body. Fast forward about 1-2 years, and my dad found a new house, and I didn't see my cousins so often. I made a friend in school who would become my closest friend throughout my elementary, middle, and high school education. I'll just call her O. We got along pretty well, but she could be kind of controlling. Most things I wanted to do she refused to take part in, and if I didn't like something, we had to do it anyway. I never was really the one controlling anything either. If "we" played a video game, she played the video game and I watched. If we wanted to watch Youtube, it was only the videos she chose, etc, and she'd get upset and passive aggressive if I didn't want to do that, so we mainly just did what she wanted to do. I couldn't tell you for sure exactly when it started, but at least around the age of 10-11. O had a new hobby; talking to random dudes online. I know the website she preferred to use was Omegle, but I know there were other platforms too. Sometimes they weren't only chatrooms but online virtual worlds. I remember IMVU and Habbo Hotel specifically. Anyway, basically she wanted me to talk to them sexually. And it was one of the few instances I actually tried to be like "uhhhhhh i'd rather not lmao". But like, I was a neurodivergent walking doormat, and she persuaded me into it after a little while. One thing that disturbs me a lot abt this is how I would have to pretend to be a girl during all of this. I specifically remember O telling me to "talk about my boobs". She would encourage me to keep sexting even after I would try to step back from it, and give me new ideas of what to say. Sometimes she would take over, and sit on my lap. I was extremely uncomfortable, but like, felt like I was being dramatic, or selfish. This was something that would happen like, a few times a month. I was over at her house a lot, and she had her own computer, so it was easy to do things like this in private. Usually it was just text based but i remember we went into the omegle video chat, and had us watch guys masturbating. I just tried not to pay attention, but it was really uncomfortable. I ended up talking to her less and less outside of school, which she really wasn't happy about. I didn't really care at that point. Something that kind of baffles me still, is during this down time I was taking from her, I started recieving messages from an unknown number, which went into some real graphic sexual detail. I had responded with "you have the wrong number" to which the guy on the other end was like "no i don't", and said some more vulgar shit, to which I then said "dude, i'm a 13 year old boy", and I don't really know the exact response he gave but it was very dismissive of everything I was saying, and talking very graphically to me as though I was a girl. I mentioned to O what was happening, and she said it "had to be a prank from her sister and her friends". Which...makes no sense. Idk how she would even come to that conclusion? I'm not saying with 100% certainty that O had something to do with it, but she was the only person outside my family with my number, and the kind of messages I was getting was fucking familiar. Anyway, after a series of events resulting in my dad looking at my phone a few days later, I ended up being made to talk to a police officer who basically said I was just seeking attention and I wasn't being honest. He was such a dick, and kept saying I was the one likely initiating sexual interest, and being promiscuous. I got so frustrated that I actually ended up yelling "I AM 13" at him, and he had the gall to fuckin say "what does that matter". He fuckin practically interrogated me, and I said that my friend mentioned the texts could have been a prank being pulled on me, but it wasn't something I knew about. And I guess he took that as evidence that it wasn't serious and dismissed us. My dad didn't even attempt to defend me. so thanks for that old man. Anyway...the weird sexting sessions did eventually stop, and by the end of high school, O and I had a falling out, and I haven't spoken to her since. I don't blame her at all tbh. She was as young as I was, and even though the friendship we had was in no way healthy, I hope she's doing better, and has gotten the help she needed. No one deserves to go through that. I'm gonna be honest, I don't feel much of anything right now regarding all of this. But since that time with O and sexting dudes online, I get really shameful sexual responses. Like my body becomes aroused at things that also trigger me. I have intrusive thoughts about gross shit happening to me, and my body responds to that too. i have a lot of nightmares about being violated. They're long and graphic. My body responds to even seeing about some sexual crime, and I hate it so much. I'm not enjoying it by any means, but I always feel responsive, and I hate that. I also suffer from post-coital depression (huge mood drops after I have an orgasm). But I feel like this is all so disproportionate to what happened? I was never physically touched or anything like that (beyone O sitting on my lap). And I don't feel much of anything looking back on it. Typing this out now I'm wondering if I didn't just maybe imagine the whole thing. The only thing that keeps me from thinking that way is my weird bodily reactions and nightmares. Still, I feel as though I'm not a real victim or survivor of anything. I guess in the end I'm just really confused and fucked up. I honestly feel really dumb for taking the time to type this out. I never wrote this or spoke this to anyone before. I hope I'm not like, entering a space I don't belong in? I'm like heavy dissociating rn tho so imma just, go make some tea or something. Thanks for takin the time to read through this mess. Peace.
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