Lathinan Member Profile

...See more Hello, I am a bit new so bear with my if this is clunky. January 31st 2020 is when I officially broke ties off with my domestic abuser. I was only with him for one and a half years and the damage that was done to me is outstanding (mentally). My abuser was a narcicistic gaslighter who probably also had borderline personality disorder. He made everything my fault, even him attacking me was my fault. I never was the "only girl" there had to be always someone else around. It was a way to keep me in line and wanting to fight for him. Everything he did was somehow advantageous to himself. Even pretending to love me. I don't believe for a second he did, and that part doesn't bother me. The part that is bothering me is apologizing to myself and moving on. I don't know how to do this. I need to move on. Especially now I am trying to form healthy romantic relationships. I find myself defending myself to these guys for no reason. Everytime I go to talk its like a paragraph because I explain everything in every detail so it can't be misinterpreted. I fear being misinterpreted and getting into a fight. I fear having it twisted and saying it's all my fault. I assume only bad will come from others. Even though I realized the abuser I was with is a psycho and there isn't many people like him. I want to move on and form a happy relationship. The ptsd though from this trauma is drowning me. I lack confidence, I lack socializing, and once when someone does earn my trust I get too open and then I fear being too open pushes them away so I enclose myself again. It's a viscious cycle. I am drowning in depression and anxiety. I don't want to feel so alone. I want to forgive myself and move on. I'm not sure how.

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