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Lazarus129
509 M Embraced 4
PathStep 5 Compassion hearts10 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes3 Current upvotes3 Age GroupAdult Last activeApril, 2022 Member sinceOctober 7, 2015
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My OCD Story And What It Means To You
OCD & Related Behaviors / by Lazarus129
Last post
 May 16th, 2016
...See more I never would have identified with having OCD, but it's the only way to describe how I think and feel. I would call it perfectionism, and sometimes call it my conscience nagging at me, but my thoughts bully me to worry about minute details in my life that I should fix that I don't want to deal with. Yet if I do not, I'm horrible, I'm a sinner, I'm a monster. It just picks away at my sanity and I submit to it of course, but it wears down on my patience and energy, it's like an invisible drill sergeant or dictator. It's also a major factor in my depression, because it's constantly comparing my life with what it's not. Nothing is good enough, nothing that I do or say or achieve is good enough. I will always be second-rate, at the bottom, always inferior, always lacking. It's the reason I can't accept myself and my life. There always has to be something better than this. I hate it. And it hits me everyday when I wake up and am in the shower, judging me, berating me, and then I get hit with depression early in the morning. Things have to be its way, or no way. It even creeps into me religious and moral beliefs. If I'm not perfect in every way, I'm shit, is what it tells me, and it's funny because I don't critic other people the same way, I'd let them do things my OCD would never let me. It's bull. But to reach out to others, I have to say depression isn't just a mood you're in. Things like OCD and other thought patterns and expectations and limiting beliefs can and will bring you down if you let them. I think OCD is treatable so long as you remember what they are. They are just thoughts, and you are their owner and master. You choose what you think and feel, I know that sounds new and impossible, but it's true. Thoughts only exist in your head and will only govern you so long as you let them. So just ignore them, replace them, be free and have peace by accepting yourself and your life, and you'll see that there's a new horizon waiting for you without the blemishes of the cross you once carried. Stay strong. See you space cowboy...
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