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LifeSucksEveryday
57 M Embraced
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts5 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes1 Current upvotes1 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 1970 Member sinceFebruary 12, 2015
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Do I have depression? Too afraid to get help, too afraid not to get help.
Depression Support / by LifeSucksEveryday
Last post
 February 13th, 2015
...See more I don't really remember a time in my life that I didn't hate the way I look or act. It has always been a part of me, ya know, that little voice (figuratively speaking) in the back of my head telling me, "That guy would never give you the light of day, I mean look at you" or "Do you really need to eat that second cookie?" I have gotten used to it, though. I find myself looking in the mirror and feeling complete disgust for everything I see, and at the same time wondering how I have any friends knowing that I look like that. I wonder how anyone could stand to look at me and actually find it to be pleasurable to hangout. I have also noticed I eat a lot more lately, more than even just a couple months ago. I don't consciously think "I'm hungry so I'm gonna go eat some food." It's more like, "Oh wow, I'm eating some chips when I just had a granola bar and a hamburger, and some candy." Before I know it, I feel so full that I can't move and I feel like complete garbage, but it's like I can't stop.  Over the last few months, these thoughts and feelings have progressively been getting worse. I find myself staying up until 3 or 4 in the morning and only getting four hours of sleep. It's not that I can't sleep, it's that I consciously keep working on homework that isn't due for another week, or I watch YouTube videos, one after another, until I literally can't keep my eyes open. I don't really know why I do this to myself.  Then there's school. I am taking college classes while still in high school and I feel like I'm too stupid to succeed. This is my second to last quarter before I can graduate with my AA, but I feel like there isn't anything I can do to get perfect grades, which is what I want . . . what I need. I failed a test the other day and I felt like I should just end my life right then and there. I felt like such a disappointment to me, my mom, my teachers, even the universities that have accepted me into their programs.  The problem is that I know I have a problem. I know I should be getting some kind of treatment, but I'm afraid to talk to my mom about it. What if she thinks I'm damaged? Or worse, what if I am damaged? 
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