LonelyAdya Member Profile

...See more The day when I entered there from that day only everybody in my class started teasing me, hating me, playing with me, bullying me. When I was a kid the people, the family members, the relatives in my environment, in my home were very very much good so I was wondering everyone would be good, everyone would be loving me like them. But it is not at all like that. I went to school and I realised that not everyone is like that. Everyone started teasing more and more. Then among them, some became my friends because they were living nearby my house. But I think more than a friend I was their slave. I was hearing everything, everyone teases, every harsh word, everything that they were saying. But still, I was considering them as my friend. Still, I was thinking, " it's ok they are my friends, they have full right to do whatever they want." Because I was immune to that. Slowly people in different sections started teasing me. Someone was teasing me for becoming extremely tall, someone was teasing me for becoming extremely thin, someone was teasing me for becoming extremely friendly, some for becoming talkative. All of them were treating me like a toy, like a puppet. The delicate me was not at all being able to understand what the hell is going on. Because I was feeling like a slave, like a prisoner. Slowly my grades, my marks started deteriorating. I was not being able to fight for myself, speak for myself. Every time they were forcing me to do this, to do that. It was so so so frustrating. I was suffocating like hell. I started losing my confidence, my self-esteem, my self-respect. I started losing myself. The people who were my so-called "friends." They kicked me out of their life. They threw me out of their life like a doormat. Still, I was begging for their attention, begging for their friendship but they didn't give me even a penny. Earlier my grades were quite good so that's why they were at least considering me anything but when it started deteriorating they completely threw me. I just became like the joker of a circus. The thing is when they were bullying me I was allowing them to bully me. For the sake of getting the attention, I still remember I was googling, "How to impress friends, how to impress teachers, how to be a smart girl, how to be a good girl, how to be an intelligent girl, how to be famous in school." I know I am sounding crazy but unfortunately yes this is what I was doing because I had literally zero number of friends. And it was not a good thing for a 12year, 13year old, 14year old girl. They were just going on and on teasing and I was finding ways to hide from their claws. I was just becoming completely lonely. Then you know what one good thing. I started making friends with inanimate objects like the moon, nature, trees, skies, stars, clouds, my dolls, my journal diary and also kept some names. Every time whenever I was feeling low, empty, not good I just used to write that down, share that with my journal. But still, I was becoming more and more lonely. When I was in 9th grade my demons, my anxious monsters started ruling me. They were making me feel more lonely, more empty. Every time they were eating me from inside. I was not being able to recognise my self, the good side of mine. . I was thinking, wondering that if someone would be there who could me, there with me, pacify me understand me. I was just going on drowning and drowning in the ocean of loneliness, emptiness, anxiety, numbness. But in that same 9th grade I saw two more people from my grade who were getting bullied. One of them was getting bullied physically. I was not being able to see that. I was not at all being able to tolerate that. I was wondering, "if I wish I would be the monitor of the class then I would have complained about those boys, I was wondering how should I help him, how should I protect him from them. Then I thought to go towards him and tell him to fight for himself, to complain, to not remain silent. I was not being able to see him like that. I saw not a single one was helping him, talking to him then I thought I should help him in whatever way possible. There was another girl who was a junior and was also getting bullied. Most of the time she was not bringing any tiffin any snacks to the school so I was giving her some of mine and telling her, instructing her how to deal with them. Somehow I was feeling a bit glad that I was being able to help them a bit. Then came grade 10th where I am there at present. And I was feeling so happy that I was not going to the hell school because of this pandemic.This is the year when I met poetry, I met my passion, I met myself a bit and most importantly I met my inspiration that is none other than you. At the starting of this year, I wasted my whole time overthinking, expecting, feeling empty.My eyes have got pale watching this word full of sufferings, pains, lose, uncertainty. I am just sleeping, waking up not even being able to do meditations and feeling like I am an observer who is just observing this life, this world as a show, as a play. Sometimes I was also writing, scribbling something but Then it was October when I met poetry when I started writing poetry, as proper poetry may be. Somehow I was feeling better after writing but then again it was not working because my anxious monster started giving me new anxieties. And this anxiety is more dangerous than the previous one because here fear of losing people, fear for the next moment, fear for everything. I am such a sensitive and emotional and overthinking person that when unfortunately something bad happens in someone's home when someone loses someone when something bad happens, I don't know why I don't know how I just start feeling that person I just start considering, imagining myself as that person and start crying and wondering that what if I would be there in that person's place, what I will do when I will lose my people, my family, my relatives😥, what I will do where I will go, how I will breathe, how could I survive. I am praying to God to take me up. To take me up before anyone else, please. Most of the times I don't want to add any more people in my life. Sometimes I also feel very much guilty that I am surrounded by a lot of good people. Here I am not being able to digest someone else's demise, not being able to control my emotions in someone's pain. Also, I am the youngest in my family so just guess what I would be thinking. Ultimately I will remain alone. My fingers are always remaining crossed🤞 Even when by chance sometimes when I enjoy the present moment I wonder that, " is this moment is gonna remain forever? What if at the next moment something bad will happen. What if my happiness is there for some moment. I want to preserve everything, every happy moment, every good moment, every happy moment. And I am so so so sorry if I am sounding negative, I am so so sorry. But unfortunately, this how my whole days spend. By living in future. And you know what one good thing, in this year also, fortunately, I have helped someone by understanding her, by guiding her, by being there with her. And I am feeling glad about that. While helping someone I feel so so so good. But unfortunately, I am not being able to help myself. Also . I heard about choosing the wrong carrier and regretting later, going on the wrong path. Pressure in the time of Post-graduation time of any subject and especially during job times when a person will even not get time to spend with family members and most importantly with yourself, Getting far from family members, family security and also severe ragging at government colleges. As I said, I am an overthinking person so these things are continuously coming to my mind. I am continuously thinking that how to overcome these things, and sometimes I am also thinking that how I will handle myself if these things will happen to me, how I will stay strong and handle or fight with these things. I don't know how should overcome this negativity that is surrounded me and my mind. Now I am also feeling like I am going far from my parents from my family emotionally because I am not being able to share anything

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