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LonelyMarki
3,440 M Seeking Light 1
PathStep 35 Compassion hearts69 Forum posts21 Forum upvotes35 Current upvotes35 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2023 Member sinceSeptember 27, 2015
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Scream into the void:Vent in comments if you wanna
Depression Support / by LonelyMarki
Last post
 January 16th, 2020
...See more I can't put my thoughts into words and it all turns into a mushy mess. My chest aches like im dying but its just my loneliness eating away at me. I realise that all the people who 'like' me really do just 'like' me. They dont mind me being around. I can drive and had a stable job so they are down to hang out. But i'm always the last one they talk to bout it. Nobody thinks of me first, i'm an after thought. My friends was telling someone else who i was and described me as the fat blonde kid. And when i acted hurt they were like "ya know how it be" like thats fine. All my friends are just using me to get what they want. Money, food, rides, attention. And when i'm sad and when i'm struggling everyone is suddenly too busy to talk. Even when I drop everything to help when they need it. IK i sound pretentious and annoying and horrible but ive been trying so hard and the turnaround is just the fact that I am unwanted and lonely. . . . Never a first throught, never wanted. I just don't want to be alone anymore. I want someone to take me seriously, when i broke up with my SO of 15 months my mom literally just went 'sucks ig' and left me to stew in my own hertbreak and no matter what i do i feel like all my friends either hate me or tolerate me. I talk too much and am annoying in the worst way. My dad,,, dont even ask. nobody likes me and i cant seem to get a grip and nobody asks me or talks to me. . . . . ok
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Am I faking?
Trauma Support / by LonelyMarki
Last post
 February 13th, 2020
...See more My mom always acts like the things that my dad has done are mean but generally not a big deal? Am I wrong about my trauma? Am I cr*zy?( sorry for the word choice I couldn't figure out a better one ) Am I being dramatic? Is this what parents do? Am I just being sensitive?. I am 18 in 4 months and I still don't know if what he's done to me is.considered abuse or if I'm just annoying and stuff. He shoved me down once. (He apologized) He got in my face and threatened me. He has thrown stuff at me. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells but my Mom acts like this is fine? Is this fine? My brain is all mixed up and confused and I can't figure out if I can say I have trauma. I don't know. -Mark 🐢
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I'm scared
Trauma Support / by LonelyMarki
Last post
 February 13th, 2020
...See more TW: Aggression ? Ig I said something snarky to my dad the other day, he had been rude to my mom and I felt like he should apologise. I texted something kinda rude and snarky. Flash forward and he gets home from work. Slamming doors and throwing stuff. He throws open my door and starts screaming at me. He, scared the shit out of me. He keeps saying "get up get up" and I get out of my bed and I take like 3 steps towards him. All the while he is screaming "you wanna be a man right?" (I'm a trans guy) He rushes toward me,a shoving me back, he knocks me down. I am using my feet to back myself up. Somehow in the middle of this, he slams my head into the metal part of the desk. He storms out. He is talking to my mom, he says "you get her before I *naughty word* kill her" my mom is talking. She is telling me to go to the car. I am jogging across the grass and I can hear him inside say "where you running too?" My mom is driving my brother is talking. I'm shaking. This happened Sunday, it's Tuesday and he never apologized. In fact, I ended up apologising. I don't know for what, or why. I just remember my mom defending him. I'm still kinda scared he's gonna bust in my room and literally kill me or something. I'm scared.
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Merry Christmas
Trauma Support / by LonelyMarki
Last post
 April 23rd, 2019
...See more It was Christmas day 2017, I got a sewing machine and was so zazzed about it. I heard him getting frusterated with her. I, knowing what was coming put in head phones to block out him. Over my sewing machine and my headphone his voice rose. He continued for what seemed like hours with the constant screaming. I jumped up from my desk, slipped on my flip flops and threw open the door, they only thing i had was my phone and my clothes on my back. I tried to leave, but to go i have to pass them. He wasnt upset with me, i was safe. Until he stops me and tells me i can't go and that I always pick her side. That i always treat him like the monster. He IS the monster. Her face red and tear stained, he called her names I wouldn't dare repeat due to respect for the readers of this post. I blow up. I become the monster. And for a moment, in his eyes, I see fear. He realises the monster he has built. All i know is this. I have never had a chance to become anything but what showed me. I tell him that he acts like a toddler, I tell him that "if this is what dads were supposed to be like then why do I have nightterrors and none of my friends do?" "If this is normal than why am i the only kid i know who is afraid to go home?" I confront all the questions i've been stockpiling since birth. But really, I don't remember any of it. She told me about it later. I storm out, into the cold night, 33 degrees outside, I go sit on the side of the house. I call friends and none of them pick up. I call her and she tells me to come back inside. He wants to talk to me. I refuse, i know what is coming, Her car pulls around a picks me up. She looks afraid of me. I hate that she is afraid of me. He kicked me out, told me not to come home, that i'm an "Ungreatful b***** who deserves to freeze" I stayed with a family friend. But in the middle of the night I snuck back, We didn't speak for weeks. He apoligised and promised not to blow up anymore. He promised me. (Spoiler alert: He lied) Its been a year since the incident, nothings changed. I don't honesly think i'll every escape, i'm trapped.
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