LoveCabelloCane29 Member Profile

Just feeling sad and depressed. Not really seeing any silver lining

Depression Support / by LoveCabelloCane29

June 17th, 2023

...See more Hey everyone. The 8th of June 2023.........last Thursday. It's strange because two things happened on that day. Things that were planned so no surpise or anything unexpected but those two things did make me think a bit and make me still feel sad and bad. Maybe these two things seem far away and not really attached or connected to each other but just bare with me for a moment. The 8th of June was the day that : - I had my first appointment with a new therapist. - The 4th and last season of Never Have I Ever was realesed on Netflix But why are these two things connected ? And why am I talking about a TV show ? I have to rewind a bit. April 2020. That was the release date of the first season of Never Have I Ever. Now just to make a short summary of the plot. The TV show revolves around Devi Vishwakumar a 15-year-old Indian-American who lives and goes to high school in Sherman Oaks,Los Angeles. Devi's father Mohan dies which leaves Devi with psychological trauma. The show follows her during her years in high school where she tries to improve her social status and the show also follows her journey to hopefully at the end of her high school career being able to get into Princeton University. The four seasons are full of different problems that she has to get through like dealing with the loss of her father,having problems with her mother (Nalini) at home, problems and fights with her best friends (Fabiola and Eleanor), and having to deal with a love triangle between her and two boys (Ben and Paxton).......oh and all of her journey is narrated by former tennis star John McEnroe.....who was Mohan's favourite tennis player. The series is at times sad but also has its funny parts. It's basically a teenage comedy drama. Now back in April 2020 when the first season dropped on Netflix I was in my last year of high school. I had my final exam coming up in June. At first I didn't watch the show. Then June comes around and the final exam is approaching. About 3 days before my final high school exam I stumble across this TV show and I really like it. I watch a few episodes but never the whole season. On the day before my final exam I was in......well kind of a bad situation. I didn't study much in the lead up to the exam and so I tried to revise on the last day before the exam (yeah I know not the smartest decision). Once night hits I just decide to call it for the day and what happens happens. I decide to watch some Netflix and I decide on watching Never Have I Ever and I still remember the episode I watched. It was one where Devi went to a "mock UN" event. And you see her preparing for the event and working hard for it and while I was watching it I just thought to myself "Man I should really have done better during my high school career but ok it is how it is. If I pass this exam then enough......if I go to university I will bust my butt and work as hard as Devi does" and well I finished watching the episode and yeah I spent the whole rest of the night chatting with people on Omegle. Well I passed the exam with a 66/100. After I finished my final exam I barely graduated I decide to finish watching the first season of the show. As the final episode ended I just just thought to myself "OK. Now it's time to roll and start a new chapter of my life". But fast forward 3 years. 8th of June 2023 and nothing has happened. There was no new start and I'm just in the same if not worse situation as I was before. In the past few months I binged watched the second and third season of the show and I felt bad and sad........yesterday I decided to watch the 4th and final season of Never Have I Ever. The one where Devi graduates and leaves high school to purse her future life. I started watching the last season on my laptop. I started at 3 PM and I was kinda done at 7 PM. I say kinda because I wanted to save the last episode for last. I waited until all of my family went to sleep and then I went down to the living room, I took a chair and I sat in front of the TV playing the last episode of the show (yeah I know that it isn't really great for my eyes but it was the last episode so it had to be something special) I watched it and I just felt so sad and I even started to tear up a bit. There was a scene where Devi is in her bedroom and she starts to pack her suitcase and she starts to feel overwhelemed and I started to feel that too. And when the final credits rolled I just teared up even more........I know it sounds stupid but I just can't really believe the show is done. I know it's all just a show but to see how Devi improved from season 1 to season 4 and who she was able to work through all her pain and sadness it was just really nice to see. But at the same time I felt also really sad because while Devi was able to work through her trauma and pain and was able to get better and have a good future......my life is just a mess. Yes I know that it's all a TV show and it's suposed to be this happy ending so that people feel better. But the main character of the show wasn't perfect like so often other characters are in TV shows. She had flaws but also because of that often I felt like I could identify with Devi. She had a hard life, social problems and problems with family. She went to therapy and was able to get better and get her life together. By the way let me just say one thing about the therapist that Devi went to. Her name was Dr Ryan. Best. Character. Of. The. Show. And it's not even close. Again yes I know it's a show so of course Dr Ryan is written a certain way to capture the audience's heart but......There were certain moments in the show where the conversations between Dr Ryan and Devi like they hit hard. There is a particular scene where Devi asks Dr Ryan if she thinks that she (Devi) is crazy and Dr Ryan replies "Devi, you feel a lot, which means sometimes you're gonna hurt a lot, but, it also means that you're gonna live a life that is emotionally rich and really beautiful." Just amazing But yeah Never Have I Ever ended, Devi was able to live her life. On the other side here in the non Netflix universe things haven't really been working out. in the years between 2020 and today.... I tried with therapy, I tried going to university, I tried getting better with my life but nothing really worked. I've been to university for 2 years but I haven't passed a single exam and at this point it's just a matter of time when I decide to drop out. I still live with my dysfunctional family and well I did go to a therapist for about 6 months but it didn't really help. Mostly I felt that when I wanted to talk about specific topics with my therapist then she would just deflect and move on with another topic. I don't know I just feel like nothing will ever get better. I'm nearly 23 years old now and my life is just completely goign down the gutter. You know it's already hard enough to have to deal with being born with a rare disability.....then if you also add having trauma from surgeries that I had to undergo, living with a dysfunctional family, having to get through my parents brutal divorce and legal battle, being held back at high school for a year, and after graduation not knowing what to do with my life.......well you are in for a great recipe for a really crap life. I'm almost done with my rant. The second point which I wanted to speak about was the new therapist I was visiting. Because aside from the final season of the show I also had an appointment with a new therapist that day. I know there won't be therapists like Dr Ryan and of course I know that therapists can't take over your life and tell you what decisions you have to take but rather they are a person who helps you understand and makes you try to figure out what is wrong and helps you out to figure out possible solutions which you yourself then have to pursue and enact. But I feel like if I had a good connection with one of the therapists then it could actually also work to help me out but so far I haven't really felt any connection.....be it with the previous therapist or be it with the current therapist. And yeah I know it might take some time to establish a bit of trust or a connection but I already feel like "no I don't feel it". When I was a kid in middle school I used to go to child psychologist....she was a kind of Dr Ryan like I really liked her and yeah I trusted her and I felt like she was helping me and I felt like she was helpful. But of course my mother "deleted the phone number" and also she probably wouldn't take me up because I'm not a child anymore. I just think my biggest fear is that I continue with this psychologist and it's just not working out and then again I've lost a couple of months with no real progress........ Sorry for this incoherrent rant but idk like I just want to live a life like everyone else does. I just hope that one day things will get better but so far they don't seem to get better. Well thank you to everyone who read this whole post. Hope you all have a great rest of the day and take care.

Why even bother with such a life ?

Depression Support / by LoveCabelloCane29

March 24th, 2023

...See more Hello everybody for the past few weeks I've been thinking about my life so far and to be honest.......I hate it. Not only is life unfair but it's also cruel. When I think about my life I just ask myself "why did have to be like this" and yeah obviously this kind of thoughts and complaining about life won't change anything......I mean it is how it is but at the same time I'm just angry and sad about my situation. I was born with a rare illness which basically can be summarized in a facial paralysis and club feet. To this day I have trouble swallowing food and drinks, can't properly move my eyes or fully open my mouth. I had to undergo multiple surgeries back when I was a child to correct my club feet........those surgeries left me traumatized and to this day I still get massive anxiety if I have to go to any doctor. My parents never understood this and tried to downplay it, told me to "man up" or just straight ignored my problems. Due to my disability many people stare at me and treat me like If I was a child although I'm 22 going for 23. Due to this I didn't really have many friends at school and rather lived more as an outcast and away from people. If that wasn't hard enough on its own I also have a dysfunctional family. Parents that divorced when I was in high school. The legal battle was brutal. Yelling, screaming, insults etc. Thing that angered me the most about it was that my parents always said that they didn't want the children to get involved but........well didn't turn out that way because on multiple occasions I was told "tell your father/tell your mother", when the doorbell rang I had to go and answer it and relay messages, constant phone calls asking what the other was doing, when I got money for my birthday I was accused of basically spying on the other parent and getting money as a reward.....it was just brutal. Now a few years later things have calmed down a bit but still you get the occasional arguments. I don't really have a good relationship with my parents and I don't really trust them and honestly at this point I just want to get away from my current enviroment. But my life is just a huge mess. After I graduated high school I opted to enroll in a foreign university with the hope of getting as far away as possible but unfortunately covid hit and so I had to stay at home and do distance learning classes. I only lasted one semester in which I didn't even pass a single exam........I dropped out and was kinda lost. I decided to take an entry exam from an university that is nearby and by some miracles I managed to get in. On a closer look on websites of the university and the social circle around it I found out that it was actually a good opportunity to finally start over again, join a club or society and finally be more opened and able to enjoy life. I though to myself that eventhough I was still at home I could just spend most of my time at university and just come home at night to sleep...........well wrong. The first day of university my mother insisted on accompanying me to the university. I told her that I could do it on my own but she just kept arguing and she managed me to keep me long enough at home that I lost the train to university and so she just told me "oops look like I need to drive you there with my car. Let's go". You can imagine the embarrasment I felt as 21 year old dude getting accompanied by my mother up until the university building. The hope for a new start was crushed. During my first lecture I got an intense panic attack. Had to stop going to lectures and for about 2 years now I have been just here at home in my room hating my whole life meanwhile I still look at the university clubs and socities and watch all the pictures of past events that they held while I was here locked in my room doing nothing.........man I really hate my life. At this point I'm just trying to find a job to earn some money and move out as quickly as possible because honestly it's just a lot to handle like all the missed opportunities and living as a recluse and then you got my parents telling me that I'm wasting my life and that these years should be the best years of my life and instead I'm just wasting them at home doing nothing. Sometimes I ask myself why life has to be so cruel and unfair and honestly I really don't know why it is like that

My life is just useless and worthless.

Depression Support / by LoveCabelloCane29

November 13th, 2021

...See more I'm Damian, 21 years old, from Italy, and I was born with a rare illness called Moebius Syndrome (Facial paralysis and club feet are the main problems with this illness). I remember when I was 14 years old I always daydreamed about my future: I was going to finish high school, find a job, earn enough money to move out from my parent's house, buy myself the latest gaming console, get the latest Call of Duty/Grand Theft Auto game and spend my free time playing online. Looking back at that 14 year old self I think I was a bit naive thinking that I would enjoy spending all my time playing games and never socialising with other people in the real world. I look back at this 14 year old self who thought that once you pass the age of 18 everything will be great and cool.......little did I know back then that things would just get worse. My parents would divorce, I was held back at high school, only barely graduated from high school and then that "finding a job" turned into enrolling into university. I only lasted about a semester. I took 3 exams and miserably failed all 3 of them.....can't really say I was really prepared for the exams so yeah. I dropped out and tried to enroll in another university. To get in I had to pass a entry exam, somehow I managed to weasel myself into university. Great new start right ? Wrong. My first day at university has also been my last day so far. I had 3 lectures scheduled for that day. I went to my first one and about 30 minutes in I got an intense panic attack.....so intense I barely even made it through the whole lecture. I had 2 other lectures scheduled but after the first I already couldn't take any other and decided to just go back home.....This happened in September and here I am in November........tired,sad and feeling like life is useless. My path is pretty much sealed since I can't really keep up with all the lectures and the stuff : Either I drop out now or I drop out at the end of January. The only difference would be that dropping out now would save me the humilation of having to take exams where I don't know anything and basically get really bad grades. Another year wasted.......yeah so cool someone got some champagne to celebrate ? A few weeks ago I went to a psychiatrist and she told me that she was worried that I would go into a depression and that I should seek help from a psychologist. So I did and last week was my first encounter with her and........yeah never mind my depression will probably get even worse. I'd just like to finish this post with a bit of a rant. Mostly directed to my parents. I'm glad they can't read this because for real if I hear one more time from them "all of this is just a question of will, it's like the smoker who wants to quit smoking. He just has to have a will" I'm going to scream. They both like to point out how " oh this is probably because you are afraid of other people and you have low self esteem". Well you don't say............and why is it like that hmmm ? Could it be that they treated me always like I'm stupid ? Or could this depression maybe come from the really pleasant enviroment we had for so many years ? You know the enviroment where both of them would scream and yell at each other, where the one was threatening the other to take the kids and leave ? The enviroment where you would scream and yell at me when I expressed fear over the multiple surgeries that I had to undergo ? The utterly disgusting divorce legal case where both of them would find seemingly every day another new way to make the life at home even more unpleasant. There is way too much pain that comes from childhood and my teen years .........so please forgive me if I can't handle all of that. I'm only human but rest assure I will never forget what happened and unfortunatley is still happening in this thing that should be a "family".

Life is just a mess and it sucks.

Depression Support / by LoveCabelloCane29

August 18th, 2020

...See more Back when I was around 9 to 10 years old I always wanted to be 18 and to finally graduate high school. I always envisioned a brighter future a future where I was happy and didn't have many problems......pie in the sky. Now that I'm going for 20 years and just recently graduated from high school only now I start to realise that life keeps being just sad and bad for me. There is basically 3 option that I have for my future. 1st is to start working and start earning cash so that I can save money to finally move out of my "home" and live by myself. 2nd option is going to university/college also a good option because I would also be able to move out of my current "home" + I wouldn't need to see my broken family anymore and i would be able to pursue a major I actually like (political science) . 3rd and last option is basically just staying in bed until the end of days.....to be honest the 3rd option seems the best option. Sometimes at night I think about how life would have been for me if I was "normal". Would i have been better at school ? Would I have been more confident ? Would've I been able to find a gf ? Maybe and I guess in that same universe John Delaney would've been President of the USA and John Hickenlooper would've been Vice President......but anyways. 2 weeks have past since I graduated from high school and eventhough I wanted to go to university/college I still haven't applied for any university and neither for dorms or apartments. Maybe my brain is trying to say to me "you are not prepared and you never will be" and maybe that's true.........life is just a mess and honestly sometimes I wish I was never born.

Is life worth it anymore?

Depression Support / by LoveCabelloCane29

January 16th, 2020

...See more My name is Damian I'm 19 years old,I'm from Italy. I have a rare illness called Moebius Syndrome it's basically a facial paralysis which means I can't make any kind of facial expression like smiling or moving my eyes from left to right,I also have problems swallowing food and drinks and I was also born with club feet which had to be corrected by multiple surgeries the last surgery I had was in 2010 which really was a bad experience. Now here in Italy it's 10 in the morning you might think :" Oh wow guess you go to university or you just have a day off from work" well no both of these suggestions are false unfortunately,I still go to high school. Then you might ask "Well why are you here then,like are you writing this at school,maybe while having a free hour or maybe while I sit in the school bathroom ?" No......actually I'm at home and before you ask,no I'm not ill I just pretending that I have a flu so that I can stay at home and I don't need to go to school. I'm not proud of it because the past years at high school I always tried to always go to school because I didn't want to be portrayed with a bad image someone who would "skip school" but this year it's different. I feel like I reached a point in my life where i can't take it anymore. I mean having this illness is hard enough but when you then go to school and both teachers and classmates treat you like you are stupid every day,it hurts a lot.....because it's not like I didn't try to talk to them,I did but they just continue treating me this way. I was held back one year at high school and I think that period was really bad but the period I'm leaving through right now is even worse. I feel anxiety when Sunday night comes,I get stomach pain when I wake up Monday in the morning....And while I sit at school I'll get panic attacks (which by the way I'm happy that I found out this are panic attacks because before that I thought I was getting some kind of heart attack or seizure ) I can still breath but it feels like the air doesn't help,I struggle to not fall from my chair and I have a sense of life not being real. Normally this would happen to me during certain subjects that were hard and intense,this year unfortunately I get them nearly every day especially when we have 2 hours of the same subject....I just feel like I want to quit everything. If I only could come home and talk to my family about how I feel but no.....wrong at home there is a family that just loves to yell and scream and argue about anything My parents are divorced,I live with my mother but both of them I feel like I can't call "parents". Before the start of this school year I wanted to go to university,because I thought that maybe university will be better. I thought about majoring in political science (yeah political science,don't worry if you laughed at thatmy parents did too when I told them) I love politics especially US politics. I could spend days searching for gubernatorial races,congressional races and more,looking at the political maps which counties went blue ? Which red ? How did Steve Sisolak beat Adam Laxat in the gubernatorial race if he only won 2 counties out of 17 ? How did Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez beat Joe Crowley by nearly a landslide ? Would Charlie Baker be able to beat Ed Markey if Baker run for Senate in 2020 ? I could really spend hours a day researching that but also I like political theory Socialism,Social Democracy,Anarcho-Capitalism,Libertarianism I would love to study this. But hey if you ask people at my school or my family what they think about political science as a major they will probably say "A useless major" maybe they are right and maybe I'm also not good enough to study political science.....and then also my dream of a new start at university is a pipe dream,I've been probably too much influenced by watching YouTube videos and expecting that university will be better than high scholl....but I mean what do I think will happen at university? Me going to my room with my other roommates and being able to form a good relationship ? The reality will be I will get in the room,everybody will stare at me awkwardly and i will run into my room and never come out of it and basically live there isolated from the others.......well maybe when i will join the lectures i will be able to sit next to people and maybe do some small talk.....reality is I will probably end up in the back on my own like always with people wondering who that strange kid in the back is....... well maybe when I go to the library which is always full of people and I will be able to sit at an empty table people might come to sit next to me because they want to study for their exam and maybe we can do some small talk..... reality will be that people would probably not want to sit next to me anyway.....so basically from the social aspect of school my life went get better,how about the academic part......what I imagine is that I will do good at political science but the reality is I will probably realise that I suck at it and probably I will decide to drop out before the winter semester is over.......so at the end my question Is the same : "Is life even worth living anymore?" Because what I see is a life full of loneliness and failure....so I don't know anymore

When life just feels like it never gets better.

Depression Support / by LoveCabelloCane29

November 20th, 2019

...See more Hello so honestly I don't really know how to start this so I'll just jump right into it. I'm male,19 years old and I live in Italy. I'm currently in my last year of high school. I have a rare illness called Moebius Syndrome which is basically a facial paralysis. As you can might guess I was held back one year at high school which was tough to accept but I guess life is tough. I live with my mother and siblings,while my father moved out as my parents divorced. The divorce was a pretty rough time to go trough as it was also a fierce fight between my parents who didn't shy away to involve us in their fight. I never really felt a good relationship to my family as I was always treated like an idiot an called stupid. And with me being held back at school I do feel that way. Last September I started my final and last year of high school and I quickly realized it will be the hardest school year I'll have to get trough not just physically but also emotionally with a lot of stress and problems. My biggest problems at school have often been they way teachers and classmates see me which is as a stupid and awkward person who basically doesn't only have a paralysed face but also a paralysed brain too. I tried to convince them that I'm not stupid but it never really worked out they all still treat me like I'm a stupid person.... and to add insult to injury something strange started happening to me at school at certain subject and certain situations I started getting a strange feeling and I started questioning "why do we exist,do we exist?",my heart started to race and I still could breath but I felt like it didn't help anything even If i was getting enough air i wasn't having enough air....idk why this happens but it still happens to me this year again just at school and just while certain subjects and situations and at the beginning I could manage it but since last Thursday when we changed our seat/desk and I was moved in another place it just got worse which makes me believe it probably is something with stress otherwise I couldn't explain why this only happens at school and during certain subjects......I'm really considering telling a teacher about this but I'm a bit scared that this would lead to me being labelled as "weird" but most importantly I just don't know if this would help out or not.....but I also don't want to keep it secret and maybe one day faint in class. Just all this stress and problems make me even more depressed and I feel like I'm not gonna be able to get trough this year......I just don't know what to do anymore. But thanks to everyone who read this I really appreciate the time you took to read this. Hope y'all have a great rest of the day and a great start in the new week.

New school year starts new problems start

Newbie Hub / by LoveCabelloCane29

October 7th, 2018

...See more I just wanted to share my story with all of you because I don't really have a lot of people that I can talk to. So I'm 18 currently and this year should have been my last year of high school but unfortunately I didn't pass a really important test and so I have to retake the whole school year again. All my classmates moved on and I just failed so this year I was going to be in a new class where I didn't know anybody and so the first day I was sitting all alone in a corner while the other people sitting together with their friends,after a few minutes our head teacher came in (which is basically the teacher that's in charge of organizing the class and everything else related to our class) and she moved me from the 1st row to the 2nd row where there were 2 girls sitting next to me.......after a few days I really got to know them and I really enjoyed sitting next to them,they were always really nice to me and we sometimes talked during the lesson and I was just enjoying staying there.Well my Economy teacher was very worried that I couldn't see what he was writing on the blackboard so multiple times he told me "maybe you should move to the first row so you see better" and I always said "no I'm good here,I see everything thank you" then one day one of these two girls that sat next to me asked me what the teacher was writing on the blackboard and so I explained that to her and the teacher turned around and said to me "Oh you need help don't they help you there in the 2nd row ? Well you should come here in the first row" and again I told him everything was "ok".And last Monday our head teacher tells me " because some teacher were concerned with your current seat we decided that you should move to the first row,it's no punishment just a help for you".I was a bit sad and also mad because they never even directly asked me if I wanted to change seat because I would have answered "absolutely no".So last Tuesday I went to the assistant teacher that I got assigned to in case I have any troubles/problems and I told her my situtation and that I would like to switch are seat again so like it was before Monday and she just listened and asked me "Ok but wait you want to move to the first or second row ?" I told her "in the second row but just move me and this other person's seat so everything is like it was " she said that she couldn't move seats but she could tell my problem to the head teacher and she could then switch the seat back. I just said "great" and I waited for one week which brings us to today and do I wait for the head teacher to arrive and when she does she says " Well (my name) wanted to go back to the second row so we will do that" and I already heard one of the two girls from the 2nd row say "Yeah just come back " but the head teacher said "Thw whole first row switches their seat with the second row" so now I sit in the second row but with the same people I sat next to in the first row.....so basically this whole process was for nothing and to add insult to injury the head teacher said "Ok this is the final switch everybody stays like they are".......I was just shocked and mad and sad,the one time I enjoyed going to school and something like this happens.....unbelievable

What should I do ?

Newbie Hub / by LoveCabelloCane29

September 30th, 2018

...See more Hi my name is Damian I'm 18 years old and I have a rare illness called Moebius Syndrome which is basically a facial paralysis which means I can't smile,open my mouth fully or move my eyes from left to right.there are also other complications that can occur like clubfeet or deformed hands and feet.Since a long time I have a problem with swallowing food,so I normally don't like go out eating with other people because this swallowing problem gets evident when I eat something.Now a recently joined a new school and so I have many new classmates,one of this new classmates will leave our school at the end of October and a few students have decided to surprise him by taking him and the whole class to a restaurant and eat pizza together,which is a really nice gesture only I'm a bit confused on what to do now because I told nobody that I have problems swallowing food......I really want to go to the restaurant with the other people but at the same time Im afraid to eat something....I was thinking about saying that I was not feeling so good and that I would prefer not to eat anything but then again it will be awkward if I'm like the only one not eating anything.....so I don know what I should do : order a pizza but basically make a fool out of me trying to hide the fact that I can't swallow right or just say I don't feel right and not eat anything.What should I do ?

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