LovelyPlace4774 Member Profile

All over the place

Journals & Diaries / by LovelyPlace4774

May 27th, 2022

...See more I haven't been on here for a while and that makes me feel bad. I had hoped to get out of my rut and be able to contribute more...maybe become a listener, but I'm not there, yet. I quit my job. This was the main reason I felt like I was in a hole. I hated that job and one day, I just decided no more. I know it was the right decision, but I don't have another job LOL. I have been working as a self-employed courier, which is tough, but I'm so much happier. I just hope I can make my bills LOL. I don't want to get another job, but know I'm probably going to have to, because being a courier doesn't pay that well unless I'm working a whole lot of hours. My sister finally moved in with my mom. My mom is stressed, but I think eventually she will be ok. It's hard on me, because I don't trust my sister. She has done terrible stuff to me in the past. I made a different post about this. Anyway, I asked my mom yesterday if I could trust her, telling her about my life, to make sure she didn't relay this to my sister. This has always been a place of contention between me and my mom. She doesn't respect my privacy and I have no one else to talk to about my life. I know people. I have facebook and other apps, but I'm really afraid to talk about my real life, or things that I do, that other people wouldn't like...nothing illegal, just not mainstream. I wish I could embrace my life and not care what other people think, but I can't. I was watching this show, I won't name it in case other people haven't watched it...but there is this girl in it who just does things and expects all her friends to be there, support her, even though a lot of the stuff she doesn't goes against them. The last season, all her friends and even her family turned on her. She blamed them, but ultimately was told that it was her, all her. People just don't leave unless you make them. I realized this about myself. I am alone. My daughters all hate me. My son, who lives with me, is very distant and I'm pretty sure he is in the process of moving out. Normally, I wouldn't care, because I know it's important for kids to leave the nest...but right now I care. And it's very selfish. He pays half the bills. He's on our lease. I won't be able to afford my rent or bills and wouldn't have even before I quit my job. He stayed out last night, which makes me happy for him, but stressed for myself. This is the first time he has ever done this. He's 22...so honestly, it's about time. I am just worried...again, about me, not about him. I don't like being selfish. I hate that I'm in this place and need to figure out how to not be.

Too many things, so I know it will be long

Journals & Diaries / by LovelyPlace4774

May 20th, 2022

...See more I took a break from 7Cups for a while. I've realized that social media, in general, is sort of amplifying the way I'm feeling. It's making me unproductive, which bothers me. I'm back, because I have to figure things out. I am fine with anyone responding, or no one responding. I think a lot of my sadness is based on thinking I'm not worthy of attention because of lack of likes and responses and I need to get over that, because feeling that way is seriously impacting my mental health. I have a lot of things going on in my life that I'm having difficulty dealing with. I think I'm going to just number them and talk about each separately. 1. My Job -- It has been horrible since I started it in Dec 2018. People say to just find a new job, but honestly it isn't that easy. I had 2 part time jobs during that time, hoping to move to full time, but I ended up quitting both those jobs. I feel like my current job is my safety net. That being said, I made a decision...while I know I need to quit, I'm not going to, yet. I am going to take a week off and then come back and tell my boss I will only work 20 hours each week. He can get upset, but after he made me an independent contractor, his ability to control how I work went out the window. I want to do other things to make money, like being a courier or some kind of helping aid. Thankfully there are aps out there for all those kinds of gigs. But the problem is that every day at work, I just want to fully quit, not go down to 20 hours a week. I just want to wash my hands of the job and my horrible boss. 2. My sister moving in with my mom -- This is probably one of the more devastating things going on in my life. It's difficult for most people to understand, but my sister is extremely manipulative and just not a nice person. She and I haven't spoken since 2006, for very good reasons. I want to explain without it seeming like I'm insane lol. so ******for this paragraph there are trigger warnings*****. In 2000 my brother took his life and my sister, although I know she was grieving, told me that he always hated me, that he never wanted to be around me. I honestly know that this isn't true, but it shows the kind of person my sister is. In 2006, she let my ex-husband know where we were. We had fled to protect my oldest daughter, who had been abused by him and his brother. He didn't know where we were, until my sister told him. She also told my mom that I lied, and my daughter lied, about her being abused and my mom believed her. She then contacted all my exes (I kid you not) and started an "I hate" group about me. Two of my exes told me about it and said they were never going to join. I mean, okay, but why even tell me? lol. She also is into some really dark stuff, like spells and rituals. She's not wiccan. She is someone who just wants to try to ruin everyone else's joy. End trigger warnings So, anyway, she's moving in with my mom. My mom has always told me that she loves my sister more than me and I will never be as important to her as my sister. Since my sister is moving in with my mom, I will no longer be able to see my mom. We live in different states, but I won't even be able to go for a visit. I cannot be around my sister and I wouldn't want to put my mom through that negativity. This is a very real sadness for me, but I also think it's anger. Anger that my mom can't see what kind of person she is. 3. My 50th birthday -- I have never cared about age. I always thought you got better as you got older, but now I'm not so sure. I'm not sad to almost be 50. I'm sad that I am not where I should be at 50. Getting divorced in my late 30s made me have to start over like I was a teenager with her first job. It has been difficult to progress and at this age, many people don't want to hire you. But it's not just that, it's that the only person who celebrates with me is my son. I am ignored by everyone else. Sadly, this year he's not going to even be in the state. His paternal grandfather's funeral is on my birthday, so that's where he will be. So, this birthday will be especially sad for me. I have no friends, so I will be celebrating alone and so probably will just forget it. 4. My daughters -- This has been an ongoing sadness for me for a long time. I have 3 daughters, none of whom talk to me. There was an argument with each of them, mostly all ridiculous, and something that people should get over, but they won't talk to me. I have tried reaching out, apologized, tried to start again with them and each refuse. I mean, honestly, one argument was about eggs...yes, eggs! Of course, even though it was about eggs, I embarrassed her, which is why she can't forgive me. So, I don't ever talk about my daughters, because it's sad and painful for me. Because of all this, I deeply regret ever having children, because I am a horrible mom. I never wanted to have regrets, yet, having children is a big one. My son is a godsend, but I feel like I have to walk on eggshells, to try to not upset him, because I worry he will leave me, too. I literally have no one. 5. Health issues -- my health is really poor. I have received really awful medical advice and I cannot change doctors, because I have no health insurance. I am dealing with heart problems, ear problems, weight problems, restless legs, and autoimmune problems. I see a cardiologist who yelled at me for doing aerobics, telling me that I wasn't allowed to exercise, which fueled the weight gain. My general practitioner won't listen to me and just says I have anxiety, which I don't. I'm pretty sure I would know that. I don't have any of the signs of anxiety, like worrying or not being able to sit still, biting my nails, nothing...and regardless, anything for anxiety will fuel the restless legs, and I can't handle that. Having restless legs has really destroyed my life. I talked to my cardiologist about interactions with the anxiety meds I was prescribed (because my GP wouldn't take no for an answer) and he went and yelled at my GP. So, the last appt I had with her, she didn't want to hear me talk, kept cutting me off, actually told me to stop talking. I have an appt coming up with her in 2 weeks and I'm dreading it. But with my health, I feel like I can't do anything, but I need to do something and trying and failing is really harming my self esteem. I am also one of those all or nothing people, so I have to be very careful that I don't do something that will harm my health even more. I asked for help from my doctor, who sent me to a nutritionist, who told me it was about willpower. Well, I have none of that, so I'm not sure what they expect. How do you get willpower if you just don't have it? Anyway, this is so long. This is what I'm going through, though. It's a lot and often it's too much. I need a break. I need to figure out how to get over things. I need to be able to move on and deal with my anger.

This doesn't seem helpful

50 & Over Community / by LovelyPlace4774

July 27th, 2022

Why weren't we warned?

Women's Issues / by LovelyPlace4774

August 11th, 2022

...See more I will never understand why women aren't more prepared for perimenopause/menopause. It's something that is really important for us to understand. I have tried to talk to my mom about it, but she isn't helpful. I have also tried to talk to doctors about it and they are completely unhelpful. I think my situation might be worse than usual, because I'm on blood thinners due to having an irregular heartbeat. Prior to being put on them, I was really concerned, and said, "but I'm still menstruating, how will these pills affect that?" and the doctor, just stared at me blankly and without emotion said, "It will be much heavier, with excessive clotting." and I was like..."no, that's not good". Bascially, I cannot leave the house, very easily, because of the heaviness. It doesn't matter what products I use, they are not great. The only thing that I have found to help is using maca, and not taking iron supplements while menstruating. The maca, I was told, could cause blood clots, because of the natural estrogen it has in it. Of course, I use the blood thinner, so not sure if that is a bad factor. Regardless, my doctor said I will never be a candidate for hormone therapy while going through this. I'm ok with that, maybe... ***trigger warning in next few paragraphs*** But recently, I had a very dark week, the week just after I stopped menstruating. I haven't been that dark in a really, really long time. I felt like I couldn't go on, that there was nothing good in life, that I was a horrible person. I just sat, wanting to cry, or actually breaking down and sobbing. I have never suffered from PMS or severe mood changes like this with menstruation. This completely caught me off guard. The gynecologist I talked to, who is also female and was in her 60s, told me that the erratic emotions only happen once you are completely through everything, when menopause is actually menopause and not "going through menopause"...so, she was also unhelpful, because that hasn't been my experience. Although my mom rarely talked about her menopause, she did mention to me that my great grandmother ended up committing suicide while going through menopause. I am trying to make sure my dark emotions, or hormone fluctuations don't get the better of me. I don't really have anyone to talk to about it and I need to find someone who can relate to what I'm going through, rather than looking at me in pity and saying "every woman goes through this, get over it." All I know is it's gross, horrible, awful, just all of the negative things about it. I thought I would be emotionally about not being able to have children anymore, but that isn't it...I just want this over and done with so I can actually leave the house.

Why can't I move on

Work & Career / by LovelyPlace4774

February 28th, 2023

...See more This is not a typical, "I need to move on" scenario. It doesn't involve a significant other, which is normally what people try to move on from. It's about my job. I cannot move on from my job, even though it is detrimental to my health and wellbeing. I started working for this company almost 4 years ago. Within 2 weeks of being in the job, I knew that I needed to find a new job because I hated what I was doing. I am very practical. I like efficiency, being productive, and I am naturally motivated...but this job destroyed all of that. Efficiency is impossible in the job and my boss has made it so I cannot be productive. This is really hard for me, because I have always been proud of my productivity and motivation, but also with my efficiency. Sometimes it's like I'm a whirlwind getting things done, and it's awesome. It's not like a manic type of thing. It's more about my time organization and motivation being on point. Anyway, things rapidly went downhill in this job. I was grateful when I was able to start working from home in mid-2019, before the pandemic was even a possibility. My boss made me an independent contractor. I am in the US and we have 2, basic, kinds of work that is recorded and sent to the government. Regular employees, where the employer pays part of certain taxes, has to abide by specific wage rules and hours, and then we have independent contractors (IC), where you are your own boss. You set your own hours and how you do your job, but then the boss (who then becomes a "client") will no longer pay their portion of taxes and you have to pay them yourself, which is a huge financial burden. So, I was made an IC, but only for a while. My boss likes to flip flop, back and forth, when he feels like he can "afford" to pay his portion of the taxes. In case you're wondering, it's illegal in the US to misclassify an employee as an IC, when they really should be an employee. But that's not all that my boss has done that's just plain wrong for a boss to do. He is very opinionated politically, religiously, racially, gender-wise. He's basically an old fashioned racist, misogynist, ultra religious, and very very conservative person. He makes threats about firing me if I don't improve, even when I'm doing better than anyone else working. He calls me things like "too sensitive" when I go to him about my coworker calling me a b*tch, or other derogatory comments. He also "forgets" to pay me, and makes it very hard for me to earn bonus wages. And even though I am again an IC...I found out that would be the case in January...he thinks he can tell me how and when to work. I will not be working and he will call me. I feel obligated to answer, but am upset for the rest of the day. I am severely burned out. My head just aches whenever I have to log into work. It feels like it's just full, or like a severe tension headache. I dread any interaction with him, or with my coworker. I took a 4-day weekend and am still waiting on the fallout. Because I'm my own boss, I am not obligated to tell him when I will be working, but I already know there is going to be a confrontation about it. But...I can't move on. I can't find a different job. I look, but I don't apply. Maybe I'm afraid that I won't get an interview, or that if I do get hired that I will hate the job. Maybe I'm just too comfortable and fear change (which I have never thought about myself, since I always used to embrace change). I don't want to job hop, but maybe that's ok, I don't know. All I know is that some employers are really picky about potential employees switching jobs, or not staying in jobs for very long. I am not sure how to move on, but I desperately need to. I have no savings. I have barely anything, so if I didn't have a job, I wouldn't be able to make it through a month. I really don't have anyone to help me. So many people say, find another job...but it's really not that easy and although I need to do it, I am just not sure why I won't even apply to anything. I am tired of being so down all the time and I know it's because of my job. I need a positive change, yet I can't bring myself to do it. Honestly, I want my boss to fire me so I will be forced to find another job, but I don't think he will do that. I would love to start my own business, but my new lack of motivation is making that impossible. Ugh, sorry this is so long...I am glad I wrote it out, hoping I could figure out how to help myself, but I'm still clueless.

Burnout

50 & Over Community / by LovelyPlace4774

April 21st, 2022

...See more The crisis I am in right now is burnout...burnout from my job, mostly. So, I'm worried that I'm about to do something drastic, like quit my job without having another one, and without any savings to even get me through the next month. I am really trying to hang on, but it's difficult. I have hated my job from the first week I was there, but have been unable to find anything else so have been in the job almost 4 years. My boss is not a nice person, but he's also the type of boss who hates hiring people, so I know I will likely never be fired. So, I have taken advantage of that and I worry that it has changed me as a person. I am normally motivated, productive, efficient. My boss has made it so I cannot be efficient. A lot of times, since I work from home, I just sit there, fake working, getting paid, accomplishing nothing and this is really wearing on me, since I am actively not being productive or motivated. I am not that person and it has helped my self-esteem plummet. My mom insists that I stay in the job and basically fleece my boss, getting paid for not working. She says he deserves it and although he might, I feel like I am helping his company to fail. But also, sitting at work and feeling like I'm not doing anything, or actually not being able to do anything because of the things my boss does, is the worst way to spend the work day. I have looked for other jobs, but not seriously. I'm so exhausted after I get off work that I almost can't function. My days off are spent just trying to recuperate from the week. Anyway, I worry that I am just going to quit. I really think I need to, but there is that fear there of not having any income that is so worrying.

Strange situation

50 & Over Community / by LovelyPlace4774

April 15th, 2022

Siblings...

Journals & Diaries / by LovelyPlace4774

April 14th, 2022

...See more ***Trigger warning in 2nd paragraph*** Today, I talked to my mom and found out that my sister and her 3 children are moving cross country and moving in with my mom. My mom is in her early 80s. My sister is in her 50s and all the kids are adults. My mom is stressed, but so am I. My sister moving there means I will not be able to visit my mom. It means that I might not be able to talk to my mom as much as I normally do. I feel like the relationship with my mom will get much, much worse. These aren't unfounded worries. My sister and I haven't spoken for about 15 years, because of some horrible stuff that she did to me and my kids. She put my daughter in a really harmful situation, just because of how my sister feels about me. She also told my mom that my experiences in life...this is where the trigger warning is...such as physical and sexual abuse, were all lies and my mom believed her. Anyway, I am not sure how to feel or what to do. My mom has always told me that my sister is her favorite and that she will always love my sister more than me. Although this is painful, I don't want to have regrets when my mom dies and want to make sure that we have a relationship, even if it's not exactly the relationship I want.

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