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LoyalJar1309
20,199 M Progress Road 9
PathStep 60 Compassion hearts2,881 Forum posts3 Forum upvotes9 Current upvotes9 Age GroupAdult Last activeApril, 2024 Member sinceMay 4, 2018
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Journals & Diaries / by LoyalJar1309
Last post
 July 17th, 2021
...See more Hi. So I'm 26, female, and married. I'll start with telling a little bit about what I deal with personally. I have had chronic, moderate to severe depression since I was twelve years old. I am now twenty-six. I have been in and out of jobs, struggling to maintain one due also to my social anxiety, generalized anxiety, and agoraphobia. I have tried many medications, many therapies, therapists, and even TMS for those who know what that is. It is Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation, something that uses magnets to stimulate the neurons in the brain somehow. It was unsuccessful. I am now on a cocktail of meds that work (sometimes) for me, but I am having to come off of two of them in order to try to have a baby with my husband. The two meds are Xanax (not recommended for long term use, but it has been the only option for me and I don't want to get into a debate about this...it is what it is...) and Ritalin for treatment resistant depression. They both work. However, I am needing to come off in order to have a baby and I'm terrified but at the same time, I want to do it. I want to be med-free except for Lexapro, which is apparently safe to take during pregnancy but I'm not suggesting anything here in my entry. I am not a doctor, and I am not here in this thread to offer advice, to debate, argue, or anything of that sort. Positive words are more than welcome. I do accept gentle advice, but feel free to not give it if you are not comfortable. I like validation on my emotions and feelings and that is welcome as well. I just lost my job that I thought I would have for the rest of my life, and it's hard. When my husband is at work, I am lonely. I pull my body around like I'm dragging my feet through thick mud. But there have been good things too. I've lost a bit of weight. I've found a way for me to have enough motivation to exercise by watching videos that entertain me while exercising so that the minutes go by faster. I deal with depression every second except less so when my Ritalin has kicked in for the dose of the day, and it is so hard. I feel chronic emptiness (i've been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Avoidant Personality Disorder as well). *rolls eyes because I know my 'labels' keep adding up but is in no way diminishing the reality or hardship of these disorders* I don't grocery shop by myself, I don't go to the bank by myself, I don't go through drive thrus because I'm terrified of these things. My comfort zone is my house, and I'm afraid to venture outside of it by myself. Thank you agoraphobia, I say sarcastically. But with all of this having been said, I am doing okay. I'm making it. And I'm gonna be okay. I will live with this maybe forever, but I will be okay. I will live despite it and I won't stop trying. This is really all for my first entry. I'm not sure what else to say. But I'll come back to this thread.
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