MT1991 Member Profile

...See more I am a 26 year old guy who has had severe depression, anxiety and seemingly a near mental collapse since mid-January. This all began over something so stupid that it's laughable. I am a guy with a lot of weird kinks, and fetishes, many of them are rooted in strange themes of dominance and submission/humiliation. One of those is gender bending kink, where I would have sexual fantasies of myself as a woman (and usually with some ridiculous humiliating twist on that, like a dumb "bimbo", or a fat girl). I feel some of these kinks was me fetishing my own lack of self-esteem with the humiliation kinks and frustrations with the dominant ones towards women, which is a dark thought in itself. I would sometimes go to chat rooms on Discord app relating to these fetishes, and in one of these rooms, a user told me I only envied women. That comment seemed to trigger a psychological breakdown for me. Shortly after that, I noticed I wasn't getting aroused like I used to anymore and was also incredibly depressed. Everything just became bleak and unenjoyable. Prior to this, I already had low confidence with women, and in general, although it was improving some. For years I have wanted a girlfriend and better social life in general, but it's difficult as I have Aspergers and am socially awkward often, cannot think of much to say usually, worried I will come off creepy, petrified of rejection, have a kind of emotionless robotic tone when talking which some find odd, think I am not interesting enough, etc. Family and peers used to add to this by pestering me about never managing to get a girlfriend, and comparing me to guys my sister dated, always acting like said guys were somehow better than me. Over the years, my confidence had gotten so low where I think every other guy had more to offer than me when it came to women, resulting in me not even trying at times. This lack of confidence spread to other areas, too, such as me thinking I am not good enough to get into grad school, for example. As for the sexuality thing, I am worried I have somehow turned gay or am trans due to one of those kinks, and my reduced desire for women, despite me being not being attracted to males at all, or having no desire to live as a woman and being madly attracted to women physically and emotionally since my teens. This whole ordeal has completely destroyed the little bit of confidence I did have, and made me feel like I have lost my identity. Despite my frustrations with love, and socially, I have always wanted to one day have a wife, raise a family and just live a peaceful life as a dad and husband with a wonderful woman. I am crying now at thought of that never happening, it tears my soul apart. I have always been a family orientated, loyal person, and that has been something I have thought of doing since childhood. I have even had nightmares about it. On the topic of sleep, I barely sleep at all anymore at night, have a poor appetite, and nothing feels fun anymore. I am at the lowest point of my entire life, and all I feel is a sense of hopelessness with everything. This hurts even more because, despite my lack of confidence, before this began, it was slowly improving, I was getting the confidence to finally approach women, and starting to be more social, and finally seeing myself in a bit of a more positive light than before. It just hurts so much that everything I was working towards is gone, and how everything I enjoyed no longer makes me happy. I just go through the motions now. I don't feel I am living, but merely existing. I apologize if this sounds weird, but this is making me incredibly depressed.

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