Macncheese080902 Member Profile

...See more I'm going to talk about calories, bad habits, and other things that might be triggering to some. so hi.. I'm June, I'm new here. I'm about to be 17 in August, I'm 5'6, and [edited by Anomalia for weight specifics] pounds I don't think I'm sick enough to say I have an eating disorder, but here it goes I guess. I restrict food often (I've probably had a total of [edited by Anomalia for calorie specifics] calories today and that's because I'm forced to eat). Usually I'll restrict for a couple days, and then I'll binge. It feels so good to finally eat but then I'm disgusted and hate myself for eating at all. Sometimes I purge, so maybe I'm more bulimic than anything, I'm not sure. I do know that I hate my body. I hate that when someone hugs me I can feel all of my fat, I hate that when I step on the scale it's not under [edited] or [edited] or [edited], I hate that my dad pinches my curves and that my mom ridicules me for being bigger than my boyfriend. I hate that I can't see my ribs unless I stretch or that my hip bones aren't defined. I hate that my cheeks jiggle when I run or that I get a double chin sometimes. This being said, I AM trying to get better... I don't cook for myself most the time (not an option for me) and my parents don't usually cook the healthiest of foods, so I'm forced to eat. It's probably what's kept me here. Last night after dinner I wanted to purge so bad that I was shaking and sweating and on the verge of tears because I could feel the calories sinking into my body I could punch my stomach and I knew I was going to get fatter because of a few noodles... It was awful. Instead of purging though, I did 200 crunches. I feel it's better that way. I have two friends who treat my disorder as a competition and when I reach out for help they like to one up me and soya they've been starving themselves longer or they ate less calories than me and they're just fine. My boyfriend is a wonderful person, he's the only one who knows and cares, I have him at least. I guess why I'm here is because I want someone who relates. Who I can talk to about this stuff and not feel like a burden. I'm trying out the forums because I've had listeners tell me not to worry about it because of my age it doesn't really matter, I've had people tell me to restrict more, but I'm choosing to be optimistic. My parents can't know about my ED, so I can't get help around where I live. I don't know. I feel so lost I don't know if I really do know why I'm here. This is my call for help I guess.

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