Malecfan Member Profile

Life sucks

Journals & Diaries / by Malecfan

2 days ago

...See more I’m terrified of love. Romantic, platonic, familial all of it. I care, and I miss people easily. I don’t love people easily. I could stop talking to most of my family and never look back. Sure I’d miss the good times, but I think they’re bad people. They try to hide it, put on a show but when you’re around people for so long you see it. I have a strong belief in the fact that people don’t change. I think you can change your actions, but not who you are as a person, not fundamentally. You change, small things do, as life goes on, but deep down you’ll always be the same person. Maybe that’s a poor belief to have but it’s mine. So no, my family aren’t good people so I don’t love them. They hurt me, constantly, in ways that are dismissive and not even thought of. In ways only family should know affect you yet mine don’t. They’re not family, we’re all just a bunch of people with the same DNA running through our blood. Platonic, I don’t have friends. I keep away from people because they’re never who they pretend to be. I try to be pretty upfront and honest, I keep a lot of things hidden but personality wise, I’m myself. A lot of people aren’t. Or they dance around it and are never upfront and it’s so confusing. I need people who just are honest, upfront but thats so hard to find. I’d rather be alone than try. People hurt, and when you take the time to get to know them, let them in and get hurt it’s just not worth it. I think I’m a good person. I’m insecure, I’m depressed and hurt. I don’t make it other people’s problem. It does affect my relationships sometimes. I don’t think I’m good enough. I’ll buy you flowers. I’ll take you on dates, surprises or wherever you wanna go. I’ll get you things that remind me of you, big or small. I’ll talk to you constantly, about anything and nothing. I’ll take the time to learn you, to love you. Yet I hide things. Uncertainties, times where I’m uncomfortable. I like to pretend I’m okay. That I’m a personified strength. Nothing can get me down. I’m not. I mean yeah I don’t feel anything most of the time but when I do I feel it deeply. Idk what I’m saying rn I’m spiralling. Anyway there’s someone new in my life. She’s eager. She’s funny, smart. She’s a little intense but I also haven’t really done this in a while so I have no clue. Younger than me, just a couple years but I feel way older than I am. She’s good. I just don’t wanna drag her along if I’m not all in yk? But I’m not sure I’m ever going to be able to be all in.

TRANS beware

Journals & Diaries / by Malecfan

September 10th

...See more I’ve always had an odd relationship with my queerness. Catholic school didn’t help, neither did my family. I realised I was Bi back when I was still a chick. Just started dating a girl and that was that. Simple and easy. It warranted a bit of bad attention at school but nothing major. Then when I was 13? I think, I was dating this dude. Very stereotypical dude, man made me have a whole realisation so I broke it off. Took me a while to find the terms and sh-t but I did. I’ve always been a little different. Even when I was younger. It showed, especially since I knew a lot of people but wasn’t friends with them just friendly. I spent more time in the library as a kid because guys didn’t want girls playing w them and I never wanted to play with the girls. But anyways, getting off track. I told my older sister first, cuz my mums an a-hole and I never really trusted her. My sister locked me in a room with my mum till I told her about a week later. My mum who completely ignored it till I hit 15 and we got in a major argument over it. By that point I was already out to my friends, teachers, my entire school basically. I got a lot of sh-t for that one but I managed. Now I still get kids coming up to me, asking if I’m Alex. First openly trans kid at that school, and I was argumentative about it too. Got into all types of fights and arguments. I wrote my English Language Speech about the fact that LGBTQ isn’t spoken about in schools enough and isn’t supported well either. I had kids who’d sit with me and my friends at lunch becuase it was safe. Sometimes they’d ask questions, sometimes they’d just hang out. I’m 20 now, so this was a while ago. I don’t regret it. I know I probably should becuase it gave me a lot of issues, still does. But I like to think I helped a lot of kids in that school, I know I helped a lot of people in my year too. I was an advocate by just being myself and not being ashamed of it. Doesn’t help the fact that I hate that I’m trans though. Even if it gives me a lot I’m also at a major loss. I’ll never know what it’s like to grow up the way I wanted to. Forced into dresses and skirts, forced to play with sh-t i never had an interest in, forcing myself to do it anyways even as I got older. Not being a guy. It takes years for the NHS waiting list, I’ve been on it for 3-4, which is mental. Sure, I’ve socially transitioned, and I look like a dude but my voice outs me every time and it sucks. Being trans is rewarding but also just a trap. A cage that takes years to escape. Anyways sorry I watched fanfic and it was just ugh. It’s fine and okay rep but like? Its kinda sh-t

Self h-rm

Journals & Diaries / by Malecfan

September 8th

...See more In twenty years I’ll still avoid the question ‘why did you do that to yourself’ because I’m brave enough to wear short sleeves, I’m not brave enough to talk about it. Because how do you explain to people that it started at an age where it didn’t even have a name nor an explanation? Or that your brain is simply broken, messed up in ways that they’ll never see. Or that I still get the itch to do it, still get the guilt of wanting to. I know the scars are faded yet they’re still so very prominent on my skin. I expect questions, I just never really answer them. I mourn that kid. I mourn the child who thought hurting themselves was the only solution. I mourn the teenager who just got used to it. Alone. I still am, but back then I couldn’t handle it. I sank, I drowned and yet never reached out. I still don’t. But now I know that I’m always drowning. Self harm doesn’t help, it just makes your mind, your torments visible. It showcases your pain, your struggles and for me it’ll always be visible. Maybe one day I’ll tell someone. I’ll explain that I was alone, isolated and lost. I’ll explain that I just couldn’t deal with my emotions. I’ll explain it all, down to the gritty details and they’ll listen. They’ll care and tell me they love me anyways.

Rant

Journals & Diaries / by Malecfan

September 9th

...See more Today my sister asked me if I ever feel stuck. She doesn’t know me, not really, the question is just another reminder of that fact. I’m 20, i live at home and work at my first ever job I got. So yeah, I feel stuck. I never feel unstuck. I constantly feel like I’m running yet never moving. It’s insane that she’d ask because anyone who know’s me has heard this tirade. I’ve been exhausted since I learnt what it meant. I’ve been depressed since I was too young to understand the feeling. I’ve been angry in a way that festers over time. I’ve changed over the years but only via words, actions, behaviour. In reality i’m the same as I was 8 years ago. Still furious yet never say anything. It’s not place, I’m the peace, the calm, the quiet. I’m the person you *** about others too, the one who takes and takes without limit because I never learnt when to stop. I carry everyone else’s weight and let my own drag behind me. I’ve never been good at focusing on me. Yet people know me enough that they know how to get me pliable. Easy to manipulate because despite my general lack of empathy, I’m easy when it comes to my family. Yeah they don’t know my favourite tv-show but my mother know’s how to get me to do something I don’t wanna do, or how to not speak up for myself when I really should. But I endure it because if I act out, I won’t stop. I get mean, I get snappy, but I never say things that I don’t mean nor aren’t true. I’m smart, I’m observant and people trust me. Smart but stupid. Push and I’ll snap. Maybe not in the way I’d like but enough for it to hurt. Some days I just feel like crashing out and ruining every relationship I have. I’m not that person. I wish I was

Ranting cuz I have no one to talk to!

Journals & Diaries / by Malecfan

September 5th

...See more I’ve watched a lot of Tv shows and movies for someone who only really started watching them at 13, technically 16 because 14-15 was my anime phase. I call it a phase because I no longer watch them, but I’m still down to every now and then. But nah, love it. A lot of people complain about how they’re not realistic. I love my day-to-day watch while doing smth else shows. Such as 9-1-1, which is my current hyperfixation. Cuz yeah, it’s hella dramatic but it’s so real dude. Life is constantly just filled with problems right? Maybe that’s just my experience but yeah, I’m not surviving through a bee tornado or watching my situationship get sh0t but like my body is consistently giving up on me, my older sister isn’t coming for Christmas and I’m working wayyyy to much. So yeah, tv shows/movies, while they are on the extreme side they aren’t too far off from life. Then you got the person struggles. The ones that you relate to so much, that make you overthink you self and life and existence and make you spiral. I spiral constantly because my brain is a dark place, it just makes situations 10x worse, no. It makes me feel like situations are 10x worse because it usually stays in my head because I’m not that kinda guy. Like the whole chronic pain thing, it’s rare that I say anything about it cuz f-ck that, why you gotta know? Plus it’s SO hard to explain cuz no I haven’t been to a doctor bout it in 2 years cuz I have MAJOR anxiety. Life would be so much easier without anxiety I swear. Put me in work and I am flawless, my customer service skills are some of the best you’ll ever see. I’m FIRE. Put me outside of work, mf. I will stutter, fumble my words, mutter and just want to SPRINT in the opposite direction. I do not do all that. It’s why I have no friend and why I’m single because the social interaction doesn’t hit. I strugggggleeee. Also the whole chronic pain thing makes me even more of an old man. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been working on the way I type, tryna get hip and with the sh-t yk? But I’m not made for it. Also, freaking phones, websites, technology in general and I’m spending 20 minutes on smth that takes 2. Crazy work. ALSO, awful memory. Like, I can remember what you order but not ur name or the last time you came in😓 i don’t even remember what I ate yesterday. Crazy work. I’m kinda terrified imo d1e alone. Isn’t everyone? Like yeah, I’m kinda into the solitude life, or I’ve just been alone so long that I’ve convinced myself that I’m into it. I have my dog, BoBo, who forces me out the house for walks. My job, that kills my social battery daily. But I have no friends, no partner. I’m like super alone haha. I have my unhealthy relationships with my family and thats it. I STILL LIVE AT HOME. CRAZY. But also, no point in learning how to drive bc I physically can’t HA. Funny, if it’s not funny I will crash tf out btw. So careful there! I can’t walk down the road w/ limping. I work at a takeaway, I’m on my feet for like 8 hours a time. And I walk there and back, and walk my dog, and work at my mother’s shop and have RESPONSIBILITIES. I’m dead honestly. Like, I want to drive, it would be fantastic but I’d have to get an automatic. But then it’s like, what if I’m having a day where I’m like 2 seconds away from just falling (has happened why my leg just gives out ha) and I’m driving. Cuz acceleration and brake still exists. Plus the pain has got my arms and hands now which isn’t greeeat :D Anyways imo sleep now :D Bye have fun love y’all

I’m not getting better

Journals & Diaries / by Malecfan

July 31st

...See more I’m breaking, I know I am. It’s not obvious, not even to me but I know. My body is f*cked. Chronic pain eats away at me every day. I can’t sleep. I spend hours trying to with 0 success. When I do, I only manage to get a few hours. My minds gone, miles away and I can’t find it most of the time. I’m just a blue od routine. I know the day because of work. Yet it’s rare that I know the actual date. I don’t have anyone that loves me, have no one that I love. Yet I’m haunted by the ghosts of my past, they show up in my daydreams. My life is a map of survival. A person trying to crawl out of a hole that constantly gets deeper. I’m not moving forward nor backwards yet I’m moving. I bite. I get angry, stressed. I let guilt consume me and I allow myself to be used. Ignored. Forgotten. A lesson taught from childhood, accepted in adulthood. Silence is safety. Silence is steady. Yet I talk, all the time. Nothing important, nothing that matters but I talk. A shield of words to hide the real ones. And the worst part is that this is normal. Surviving and not living is normal. Not just because the of the 7 years I’ve been doing this, most likely longer. But because the time and effort that’s been wasted in numerous attempts to get better.

Is it better to speak or to die?

Journals & Diaries / by Malecfan

July 27th

...See more Is it better to speak or to die? What’s if I can find the words but can’t say them? Theres so many reasons why you can’t. I’ve always got something to say, I just learnt early on to shut up. I’ll have conversations that mean nothing, go no-where. I’ll stand up for myself, I’ll argue back but I won’t start it. I want to tell my older sister that I miss her. Which is stupid because when I see her, she makes me feel like sh-t. But she took me out for my 16th birthday because my mum went out with her boyfriend and left us at home. And we went out almost every weekend just so we could get out of the house. And we b-tched about our mom together because she’s never been great. How do I tell her that I miss the version of her that thought of me more? She moved, and I’m proud of her for that but I still miss her. My little brother is living at his dad’s now, it’s closer to his apprenticeship. I remember when he was little, I remember taking him town every single week. I remember talking to him about his mates, music, shows, everything. I miss my little sister. I work with her now, I got her a job at my place but she’s different now. Doesn’t care, selfish, doesn’t see me as family. It sucks. I don’t miss any version of my mother. I miss moments, ones where I felt cared about. Sometimes I wish I could have a go at her, shout, scream. Just loose my sh-t. But then she’d cry or shout back or try to justify all the sh/tty things she’s done or make me feel bad. She paid me back £100 on Friday, she’s already lent it back + some. She doesn’t care about me, just about what I can do for her. I wish I could leave. Move out, live. I can’t afford to. Some days it feels like I’m drowning in all the things I can’t say in fear of ruining the carefully put together peace. It’s fragile and it will fall apart. I want to tell my best friend that I miss when we were 16. We’d talk everyday, hang out. We’d talk about all of the sh-tty things. We don’t talk anymore. I miss them. I wanna tell my ex i miss her. Not as my girlfriend but as a person in my life that I cared about. I want to know how uni is going, life, her. I wanna tell the world that I’m fed up and far too tired for someone so young. I know the words will come eventually. It’ll be in a fit of anger, sadness or fear. They’ll come too harshly, too blunt, too honest. They’ll cut whomever they’re aimed at, makes the rifts that already exist widen. Then I’ll feel guilty and I’ll go back to being silent. Someone asked me the other day, when they saw the scars on my arms, why did you do that. I didn’t have time to list out all of the reasons, I told them that there was loads and I had no one to go to. I didn’t tell him that my house was never a home, that my family was never truly family. They never made me feel safe or loved, just an outsider looking in. I didn’t tell him that I was trapped in between the reality that was my life or the terrors in my mind. That I felt like I had to, just so I could escape for a while. Then he told me about his friend who kxlled himself, and he didn’t know where his ashes were spread so he couldn’t say goodbye. And I wondered if anyone would cry becuase they knew they couldn’t say goodbye to me.

Help

Journals & Diaries / by Malecfan

June 29th

...See more Heyyyy So this is different from my usual kinda posts. (Depressing, sad and questionable) Yet it will still be a ramble and barely make sense so prepare. Okay. Let’s go. I’ve been working at the same place for four years (ignoring a month of being fired ahm) next week (literally a week today :0). It’s a takeaway. It’s nothing fancy, it’s literally a job I got when I was 16 and got attached. I am a manager, like sort wages, train staff, sort the working schedule etc. I do way too much honestly, anyways, not what we on about haha. I have two bosses, they are the owners. They work in the shop, if you don’t know what a takeaway is btw it’s like a local fast food place?? Best way I can explain it tbh. Both of them are old. like 50’s. Boss 1, we will call him Brian. Brian and I get along very well, we’re kinda close. He’s just opened (though he insists it’s his wife’s but we both know he’s full of it) a new takeaway. Not with boss 2 btw. I’ve actually been there, I’ve eaten there and worked there. It’s a genuinely really great business but I don’t get along with his wife in a work setting. Anyways, he’s been talking about giving me part of his share of the business and becoming a silent partner so he can focus on his new business. Boss 2, we will call him Pat. Pat is an incompetent pr-ck. He’s the reason many staff have quit, and multiple staff refuse (now and in the past) to work with him due to his incompetence. Pat is a very lovely man but he doesn’t work well under pressure (it’s a takeaway bro) and he doesn’t really know what he’s doing most the time despite being in the business for 18 years. Now, Pat would have to go. Non optional. I couldn’t run the business with someone like that, therefore I would have to buy him out. I have no clue what that would cost. I also don’t know if he’d let me. Now Pat and Brian have created a very good business. They have loyal regulars, make a lot of profit. However, I would change absolutely everything and they would HATE that. The place is poorly run, they are WAY too nice to staff. Yes treat your staff with kindness but when someone decides OUT OF THE BLUE to just go away for a month and not fire them. INSANE. (This very recently happened and I’m MAD). They could make so much more money if given the opportunity. Everything in there is also just OLD. Clean, yes. Pat is very OCD so it’s very clean (5star hygiene rating) but it’s old man. We have a grill that we never use (we have a griddle) a table in the back thats been broken since I’ve been there, the sink is old fashioned. Anyways, I’d renovate and replace everything (including staff). I could only do that if they were both silent partners, or bought em out. Now I took business years ago, so I’d need to refresh. I also would need certificates which I was planning to do either way just because it would look GOOOD on a cv. But yeah. I’m overthinking it. Idk if it’s a good idea. I’m 20, it wouldn’t happen for a few years but I’d still be young and it’s a great opportunity. Is it though?????? Is it realistic, what if I’m just insane. So yeah, thoughts feelings would be AMAZING Ty.

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