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MathGeek
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PathStep 1 Compassion hearts5 Forum posts2 Forum upvotes1 Current upvotes1 Age GroupAdult Last activeJune, 2018 Member sinceJune 8, 2018
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Having a rough day
Personality Disorders Support / by MathGeek
Last post
 June 20th, 2018
...See more Last night my husband didn't answer my question and I asked multiple times and became more and more aggitated. I was doing the dishes so I felt like I couldn't move because my hands were wet. I took time for myself, and then more time for myself. Eventually he came and asked if it was okay if he came into the room. I wanted him to but I had already been swamped in anger and so I screamed at the top of my lungs. It felt good but I had to do it four more times before I didn't have the overwhelming urge to keep going. Turned out he had a headache I didn't know about so as you can imagine it caused a huge blow out fight. He had to work in the morning so the whole time we are fighting all I can think is the time we are wasting and how he will be gone all day and if we don't fix it I will be all alone feeling this way. I was eventually able to self sooth and TMI I ended up starting my period this morning. When I was growing up I had an angry parent who took things out on me and now whenever I get really angry I feel terrible about myself even when I don't act on it. I wanted to destroy everything last night after he went to sleep and I was all alone. I ended up binge eating and that isn't good but it's better than the other things I wanted to do. I'm having a hard time balancing being proud of myself for screaming in the room as opposed to his face and for binge eating instead of attempting suicide but I know that I need to be proud because perfection isn't going to happen and progress needs to be appreciated. Just a really rough 24 hours. We both apologized and are okay now but I still feel like beating myself up and I just feel like such a fuck up and like life isn't going to get any easier. Every time I speak my hoarse throat reminds me of all the screaming I did. Anybody else struggling with blaming yourself even after the person affected forgave you?
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