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Maunakealoa
1,327 M Little Steps 4
PathStep 3 Compassion hearts46 Forum posts25 Forum upvotes18 Current upvotes18 Age GroupAdult Last activeNovember, 2019 Member sinceFebruary 10, 2019
Recent forum posts
Need some feedback, please help!
Depression Support / by Maunakealoa
Last post
 August 12th, 2019
...See more I was recently fired from a job that I loved because my mental illness kept me away from work too often. I am in the process of fighting for my job with my union, and will have an arbitration hearing soon. I prepared a written statement to help plead my case. It's not finished yet, and needs some editing as well. I wanted to post it here so hopefully I can get some feedback from you guys. It's fairly lengthy, and might not be too pleasent to read. But please, if you can, give me a hand and read it and tell me what you think. Thank you so much.
The longer I hold off the worse I feel
Self-Harm Recovery / by Maunakealoa
Last post
 February 16th, 2019
...See more Hi guys. Ive been struggling with self harm since I was about 11, and I'm 25 now. It's been quite a long battle. Right now I am 6 months clean. The longest I have gone is almost two years. But I always seem to come back to it eventually. It has always been a coping mechanism, an outlet for all the negative emotions. And also a form of self punishment for all my failings, penance if you will. It helps to relieve the anxiety induced self loathing thoughts I feel. Anyways, I have been trying really hard to stop because I know it is not a healthy coping mechanism, and I know that it negatively impacts my friends and family. Especially my boyfriend. He feels guilty over it because he feels like he should be able to prevent it. So despite near overwhelming urges I have held back and not done it. But the longer I go without cutting the worse the urges get. With each passing day I step away from the knife, the voice telling me to pick it up gets louder and louder. It's like a pressure. If I don't let off steam it builds and builds. I'm scared if I don't let it off soon it will explode in a big way. If I just let out a little, maybe I can hold off the big explosion. Would that be so bad?
Being "high functional"
Depression Support / by Maunakealoa
Last post
 February 15th, 2019
...See more I've always been described as being "high functional". I was diagnosed with severe clinical depression, but most people wouldn't know it. I maintain a relatively normal and busy life, regularly socialize, and almost always appear happy. In fact most people say they think I am one of the happiest people they know. I guess that's because I've always been very good at compartmentalization. If I feel like my emotions are going to get in the way, I just kind of put them away in a box somewhere on a shelf in the back of my mind were they slowly build pressure and eventually explode. But that usually only happens when I am alone. Alone, my true self comes out. All the sadness, the hopelessness, the self hate. But when I am around people, it's like I wear a perfect mask. It's automatic, I don't even try to put it on. I can't help it either. Sometimes I want to let myself out in front of others, sometimes I could use the support. But it just won't come off. It's so constantly there that sometimes I use it as a coping mechanism. Like if I'm feeling really bad and I feel like I might be a danger, I go out and hang out with my friends. I put on that mask and pretend to be happy. And sometimes I eventually believe it.
Why do my listeners keep leaving?
Depression Support / by Maunakealoa
Last post
 February 12th, 2019
...See more I'm very new to this site and I absolutely love the concept. But a few of the interactions I've had have left me feeling very disappointed. Like I will start talking and write out my thoughts (and sometimes they are giant walls of text and I understand that can be difficult), and I get like a very short answer and then a few times the listener has just gone offline or stopped responding. And it makes me feel very sad and rejected. And I struggle with feeling very easily rejected to begin with. I just don't feel very hopeful when people keep leaving me.
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