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MeloncholyRussianBlue
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PathStep 16 Compassion hearts11 Forum posts11 Forum upvotes11 Current upvotes11 Age GroupAdult Last activeFebruary, 2018 Member sinceOctober 2, 2017
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Stoicism and Emotional Jealousy
Depression Support / by MeloncholyRussianBlue
Last post
 January 29th, 2018
...See more Heya everyone. Hopefully this is in the right section. Didn't see anything similar. It'll be a bit of a rant. Anyways, I was just wondering, how many others are or feel these kinds of things? It's just, no matter how sad/empty/depressed I feel I rarely if ever cry. 'Sad' movies don't make me cry. I can literally count the amount of times I've cried on one hand, with fingers to spare. And even then, even if I'm 'ugly' crying, I'm quiet about it. And it's not just sadness. When I'm happy or laughing I've come to notice that I instinctively restrain myself. When I do find something funny, I have a tendancy to bray with laughter, and I try to quieten myself down. Or when I'm angry and I see how other people act out at work many times (yelling at managers/slamming stuff/etc) and they get to keep their job, but I have a strong gut feeling that if I attempted to do something even remotely similar I'd be fired on the spot. Like, I generally don't mind being the 'quiet' or 'reserved' one in a group of friends for the most part. It's just... Sometimes, I can't help but feel emotional jealousy when observing others. By "emotional jealousy", I mean I'm jealous at how freely other people express their emotions compared to myself. And when I watch movies, tv shows, or even just the news, I feel like I'm lacking. I feel like I may be too stoic, especially for a girl, even if no one else says those exact words. This feeling of maybe I'm too stoic is compounded by the fact I'm conservative in my usage of the words "I love you." and that I'm just not a talkative person in general. I rarely, if ever, show physical signs of affection to anyone outside of my immediate family. It took me years, from middle school to mid high school, before I became comfortable giving even my best friends a simple hug. And when when I broke up with my ex, the reason I cited was that I didn't love them nearly as much as they seemed to love me and I didn't believe it was fair for them to be in a relationship where the amount of affection expressed was unequal. I've been told many times, by many different people, that I'm down to earth and that I'm their rock etc etc. And I'll admit, when it comes to external things, not much shakes me up emotionally. But the rare times I am, and I feel the urge to scream, yell, cry, laugh obnoxiously, kick a wall or whatever, I always hold back. I get jealous of others because I see them do such things and I feel as if I'm too self-aware or too stoic to do so, since I know that kind of behaviour is unnaceptable/uncommon coming from me. Also, because I've been made aware of how I'm the rock for so many people, I feel as though it's my...duty(for lack of better term) to not express too strongly. This is one of many things that just cycles through my thoughts on a weekly, if not daily, basis. Anywyas! Sorry, point is, sometimes I feel like utter carp because I may be too stoic and I get jealous in some other peoples ability to express themselves. And I was wondering if anyone else struggles with these kinds of issues? I know for me personally the combination of my 'stoicism' and jealousy is one of the many reasons why I compulsively avoid telling the few counselors I've spoken to about my feelings of depression, and instead end up talking about a less personal problem.
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