MessyJesse Member Profile

...See more I have no idea who will read this, and a part of me kind of hopes no one will, but idk I figured I'd just put this stuff out there. Idk this morning I woke up from a nightmare, terrified and more tired than when I passed out, I was so scared, even now I'm still shaking and I woke up from the nightmare around 6 hours ago. I feel like all i do anymore is cry, when I woke up I was crying, and idk I had a couple breaks between then and now, but here i am, crying again. I don't know my nightmares have to do with something that happened to me as a kid, I was hurt, inappropriately, Ill save the details for my listeners/any crisis line I contact, but I swear it's ruined my life. Things are just impossible for me to know? I couldnt finish school, and dropped out at the beginning of my senior year, this last year that just ended, and even simple things, like laundry, or a shower are so hard for me. I even sleep in my boots, and dont take them off for weeks at a time, which by the way is usually when i shower. I don't know, maybe I'm just lazy, that's what my family says anyway...... It'll be my birthday soon too, which only adds to all the stress, it will be 12 years since I was hurt, people keep saying, 'i should be happy' because for some reason cake and a crowd of loud family members is supposed to make me happy... Idk I just wish everyone would forget about me, I don't want everyone coming to my house, I don't want to be celebrated, I don't want all those 'happy birthday'(s), I just want to sleep, without having a stupid nightmare. I don't mean to seem like a child, but it just isn't fair. One hour. One single hour is all it took to mess me up for life. People sometimes talk about karma, and how bad things happen to bad people, and good things happen to good people, well what did I do to deserve what happened? What happened to the guy who hurt me? Nothing. In my experience bad things happen to good people and nothing is done about it. The guy that hurt me is living his life, has a nice car, a house, friends, a family... And what do I have? Nightmares, I live with my parents, can barely get the courage to get out of bed, I can't even look in a mirror because of how disgusted I am with myself. Thanks karma, thanks 'God'. Well I'm done typing for now, I went from shaking because I'm scared to just angry. I hope you like the book I just wrote, 'My Life's Story'. Idk I may add to this later on, or I may never open 7cups again after i log off, who knows.

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