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Married 14 years, love my husband to death. We've been through a lot in the sex/intimacy department, and I've begun to think it's all my fault because I'm selfish, insensitive, greedy, angry, etc
Going to have to start at the beginning.
I didn't date as a teen or a young adult. Looked like a living nightmare to me. I lost my virginity as a plan to do so, to see what it was like, even though I had little interest in sex... I just wanted to know. I propositioned a soldier I knew and got along with, he was happy to oblige. He did everything right, I'm sure I made him feel good about himself. But, as it turned out, I just didn't find it all that fun.
This is not surprising, considering 80% of women can't orgasm from PIV sex, something I was totally unaware of at the time... though I knew how to get myself off, very well, and that not only didn't require penetration but never even bothered with it... I still thought I could orgasm from penetration, because everyone says you can. Well, this is a lie.
That is, however, neither here nor there.
I tried sex a few more times, just to be sure... and nope. Just not that great.
No big deal, though. I was terrified of being in a relationship because of the emotional struggle of them (yes, they all have emotional struggle, I didn't kid myself on that.) So finding sex rather ho hum was not a problem for me.
Then I met my future husband... we clicked so hard, were best friends for sometime before I became physically attracted to him. Fought it. It wouldn't go away. And so I went after him. He was only too happy.
However, because of my experience with men, I know that many of them if not most think that you now owe them sex on demand once you get into a "relationship," so I made sure to tell him that there was a possibility we would never have sex. PERIOD
Figured if he could take that, he wasn't full of shit and I could bother to be in a relationship with him.
So started dating- we fooled around, some, but no penetration... as I was already aware it was a waste of my time. However, I really enjoy my partner's pleasure, so there was fellatio, hand jobs, and when he expressed interest in being anally penetrated, I was only too happy to try it out! Started to put a finger in there, but he freaked, we laugh about it to this day.
Got married a year later.
Then, after a year of marriage, knowing full well that men have some PIV sex fetish, I decided to "go all the way" knowing he would probably be really happy about it.
So, did the whole bit- costume, music, surprised him when he came home from work, and there you have it- PIV. He seemed a bit anxious, though, because, as it turns out, he has severe performance anxiety. I happily reassured him, because every since we'd even started dating I told him how unneccesary PIV is all together, what are you worried about? It was just for your fun!
After we had PIV the first time, we didn't do it very much, but he continually expressed interest in having it, so I did (because I want him to have a good time.) Always used a condom, BTW- I've never had sex in my life without a condom, even though I got a copper IUD, etc- I'm very, very serious about preventing pregnancy. However, despite him expressing that he wanted to do it, it was hard to get him to even be intimate with me in any way, really- not long after we were married. And every time we DID have PIV sex, he went into anxiety melt down, no matter how many times I told him everything was great- I'd hadn't gotten to the What the Hell? Point
Also, I had not changed physically a iota since we'd gotten married- I was still just as "hot" as day one... but this didn't mean that he just wasn't attracted to me anymore. I asked him if this was true, and don't worry, I'm not an angry type, it would have been easy for him to tell me the truth. In every aspect of our realtionship, this is how I function. I don't mind hard truths, I love them. What I do mind is being lied to so that I keep putting effort into a fruitless endeavor because you can't stand to level with me. That tells me you don't love me. Anyway...
Enter, he is addicted to porn. I never minded this, I think masturbation is the best thing in the world. I'm not even remotely a jealous person- more on THAT later! I even checked his porn out, just to learn his fantasies so I could re enact them in the bed room! WHICH I DID! And, STILL, he would just complain about his penis, etc, and would be very hard to get to do anything at all. I'm not going to lie, I'm fearless in bed and love to try things... so I just couldn't understand why he was being such a kill joy. Especially since I couldn't emphasize enough that the penis is not important to my orgasm (which is what he's so hung up about.) But only important to HIS and that doesn't require penetration EITHER.
I didn't suspect it THEN, but part of his "problem" is all the jacking off to porn. I say "problem" because the truly ridiculous part is that his situation isn't a problem for ME, at all. Sex to ME, isn't PIV. It's getting off together, and I LIKE creative situations like mutual masturbation, etc- his "problem" is only a problem to HIM, he has some ingrained male adequacy issues that makes him unable to enjoy sex unless he's "doing it like a man." This has become obvious and NOTHING I can do can get him to let go of this stupidity.
Anyway, even THAT wouldn't have been a problem, however. Okay, not a lot of sexy time. I'm actually awesome with this! I masturbate, too (though porn is total crap to me) so it's not like I'm suffering or something. LOL, not even CLOSE
But here comes the kicker. He also starts showing little to no affection to me what so ever. I shower him with affection daily. He act like I barely exist. This takes awhile to even start bothering me.
But it REALLY starts to bother me when: I am working a third shift forklift job in a warehouse- hard work, unbelievably long hours- while I'm also going to school, full time for accounting. I have barely any time to even sleep. I'm cool with this. Husband lost his job, no big deal. I tell him, "I don't have time to clean, etc... you just stay at home while I'm doing this, clean up the house, etc. That would be a great help! Don't worry, honey, our future looks bright- I'll make us rich!"
But then I come home after a 15 hour long day to find the house a complete disaster, and he's been playing World of Warcraft all day. STILL, not a big deal. WHAT?!! You say. That's right! I say, "Hey, babe, really?" Then laugh good naturedly and try to give him a kiss or a hug, or an ANYTHING and he ignores me. At first THIS didn't even bother me... but after months of it, I couldn't stand it anymore. I asked him why he wouldn't show me any affection. I told him I wanted and needed affection. Wasn't he proud of me? Does he care about me? And... NOTHING.
So I cheat on him.
YEP
Think I'll leave him
But, turns out, I love him. Still. A LOT
So I confess, I don't ask forgiveness. I just confess, stop it all, change my whole life to better serve US.
I continue to shower him with affection and put a lot of work into our sex life, despite the same continuing problems.
After awhile, I think, "Sex/affection wise, this just isn't working, so..." I suggest to him having an open relationship. I'm not a jealous person. AT ALL, so I know this will be easy for me. It also takes forever for me to get emotionally attached to other people, so ALSO not a problem for me. I think he could have fun with it, maybe get out there and try something else. He agrees, even though I can tell he is horrified. First of all, why the hell would you pretend to be okay with this if you aren't? I have to work around his bullshit constantly. So I quickly take it back, feeling terrible that I upset him (even though he just acted like he didn't care.) I decide there may be something weird, wrong and different about me because what kind of sick fucks actually TRY this sort of thing?
So we just have no sex (except for the occaisional blow job/hand job) and affection is one sided. I pretty much just demand affection from him when I really need it.
I continuously tell him that affection is important to me. Nothing.
This continues into the 10th year our marriage. I decide to try again. Harder. I do some kinky stuff I'M into, see if maybe I can at least get some of my fantasies out there (no PIV sex in my fantasies- they're just really kinky.) Still, nothing.
I tell him, that's it. I'm getting my copper IUD out (that I'd had for 7 years at this point and causes me pretty intense pain once a month- which I'm actually pretty cool with, just not if it's for absolutely no reason) and that I will not longer do anything sexual with him because I'm spent trying.
He accepts it. Which, honestly, he had to. Because I would not have tolerated anything else.
Still, no affection. Though I shower him with it.
So, I tell him I'm going out to the kink club to find a partner (male or female) to get some affection from and maybe some kink but no "Sex." Because my husband thinks the only real sex is PIV, just like every other idiot on this planet. But he still has nothing to worry about, because I don't even want my partner to touch me sexually anymore- I don't even want to take off my clothes anymore.
YES. This happedned to me. I'm not gonna lie, I'm hot. So it's not because I'm self conscious or ashamed of my body. I just don't want anyone touching me sexually now. They call it "placiosexuality" and YES, I think it's due to being not just unable to give of myself in a sexual context, but actually being repulsed by the idea. However, I'm very comfortable with this. It doesn't bother me. It's now just a reality of myself. The only thing that continues to bother me is the total lack of affection I receive, and so I feel ZERO guilt in telling him I'm going out to get some. Because it's not like I haven't showered him with it and also begged him to show me some.
I also tell him that, I don't care about his discomfort or protest, he is FREE to have sex with anyone he wants. He has no excuse to not go get happy for god's sakes. So he can no longer hold me accountable for his unhappy sex life.
But, after awhile, my love and concern for him wins out, and I stop looking for intimacy/affection else where. He has been unhappy about it the whole time, and, in the end, this matters more to me than getting some kicks.
Though, I did confront him on another issue concerning this. I was wearing this pink dress one day and he and I went for a walk in the neighborhood. It was warm and beautiful, so the dress was a little revealing, esp considering I'm in my own neighborhood where there is usually no one around. However, there were some work men doing plumbing work at a house we walked by and I could feel every single one of them checking me out HARD. My husband, however, ignored me in this context.
When we got home, I said, "Hey, isn't this dress pretty cute on me?" And he was like, "Oh, I don't like flower prints." And I basically couldn't take his bullshit anymore. I said something to the tune of, "I look super hot in this and you won't even look at me. Every straight man on the street was staring but you won't even LOOK, then you make some bullshit response when I straight up ask you for attention because you don't want to validate the fact that I am attractive. I tell you that YOU are attractive all the time. What is your problem? I don't want attention from guys down the street, I want attention from YOU! Also, the only problem you have with the open relationship thing is that you know that I CAN GET LAID but you are too terrified to find a partner!"
He barely responded, but didn't protest, because he couldn't. I had him dead to rights. It he had tried to weasel out, I couldn't have tolerated it. But because he at least didn't try to weasel out, I let it go. Even though he did nothing. Not talk about it, not say he was sorry, not nothing.
Anyway,
I'm actually glad the open relationship thing failed. Having even more people to deal with in my life would have been worse, I think- though in my typical optimistic fashion, I didn't see this at first. Besides, my husband, if he HAD found a sex partner, is prone to making terrible mistakes... so I probably would have ended up helping him with having accidentally gotten her pregnant or something. And then helping HER. And then helping the kid. So...
By the way, I supported him financially through the majority of our marriage and put him through school. He now has an awesome job I helped him get, and is doing really good. A thing I am very happy and proud with. I only add this because a lot of people think women are just these financial vampires and have probably been thinking to themselves, "You deserve it, gold digging whore." Yeah, well, NOPE.
Anyway, I love him dearly. DEARLY. CRAZY DEARLY. I just DO. It doesn't seem to matter WHAT happens. I still shower him with affection... every time I see him. I will never stop doing this. I love doing it.
But I can't tell if he really did fuck me over this whole time. Or I'm just demanding, unfair, unrealistic. After all, he has sex problems. He has normal feelings of jealousy. I AM THE NOT NORMAL ONE on that. Is this partially my fault for being the kind of person that thinks they can and should get everything they want in life? Am I just a selfish kinky scum bag?
Honestly, I've gotten to the point where I can't even stand getting affection from anyone anymore. I just want everyone to leave me alone- and I have almost no sexual feelings at all anymore. It's like the stress that has gone into my marriage has rendered me asexual.
