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Mstmarie
1 840 M Little Steps 1
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts23 Forum posts6 Forum upvotes2 Current upvotes2 Age GroupAdult Last activeJune, 2020 Member sinceMay 7, 2020
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Any advice is welcome, please
Relationship Stress / by Mstmarie
Last post
 May 8th, 2020
...See more My girlfriend left me almost a month ago. We have been together for just over a year and, while I understand that seems like a short time, it has been the most fulfilling and complete love I have ever experienced. She is worth the world to me- so much so that I admitted my love for her to my parents knowing full well they would disown me. They are a very baptist family and same sex relationships are not acceptable. We knew and cared for each other in a way I couldnt even imagine possible. I was 100% sure from the bottom of my heart that I would spend the rest of my life with her. After my parents finding out, being fired from my job, and 2 very dear pets passing away all within the same month it seemed something snapped in my head. Ive always had severe mental health problems but anxiety was never a huge issue for me. I struggled with ptsd, severe depression, self harm, and an eating disorder in high school. This new panic began to consume me and my relationship without me even knowing. I would break down into complete panic attacks and think insanely irrational things. I had a mass fear of time and abandonment and a need to plan things. Im January we had a bad weekend and she finally told me how it was affecting her- I didnt even realize what had been happening. She felt controlled by the guilt and pressure she was feeling to fix me. She felt guilty for leaving or hanging out with other people. I starting trying to find help but at the time could not afford it and I kept looking. I intentionally tried to give her space and frequently had conversations about how I didnt want her to fix me and it wasnt her job. She wasnt good at setting boundaries. She was still spending most of her time with me but I thought it was just because she wanted to and she would never admit differently. To me things seemed to be going pretty well... there were bumps and my panic attacks were really bad but I felt aware and tried my hardest to take steps towards being healthier. I was genuinely working very hard- I just didnt have the tools. I would completely lose myself during a panic attack and none of the coping skills or things I knew made her feel guilty mattered because I couldnt think of anything other than panic. Finally I saved enough money to start therapy. I was nervous because therapy had really hurt me in high school and I had bad experiences in the mental health field...I had my very first session and was relieved that I was finally going to get the tools I needed to make bigger steps. then that night I had a panic attack and she left me. It is absolutely devastating. I feel like Im not even fully alive anymore. Its all so incredibly confusing because she still talks to me and sees me and says she loves me... she just says she doesnt want a relationship right now and doesnt feel romantically towards anything at the moment but that it doesnt mean she wont want to try again down the road. She isnt sure... all she knows is that she wants to be herself and to find what setting boundaries looks like because being with me in my anxiety made her feel trapped and anxious. To me this is understandable on one hand.... and on the other puts me in a very difficult position. She is worth the world to me and I would wait forever for a shot at a life with her- but every day feels like a fresh heartbreak and I dont know how long I can do it. Im hanging myself out to dry in hopes the growth we both need individually will lead us back together- but its worth it to me. I dont want my mental health to take anything else away from me- especially her. I just cant figure out what is healthy and okay and what is just going to destroy me in waiting. She could end up never wanting to try again but if I dont stay Ill never know. Each day is more painful than the last.
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I
Relationship Stress / by Mstmarie
Last post
 May 16th, 2020
...See more My girlfriend left me almost a month ago. We have been together for just over a year and, while I understand that seems like a short time, it has been the most fulfilling and complete love I have ever experienced. She is worth the world to me- so much so that I admitted my love for her to my parents knowing full well they would disown me. They are a very baptist family and same sex relationships are not acceptable. We knew and cared for each other in a way I couldnt even imagine possible. I was 100% sure from the bottom of my heart that I would spend the rest of my life with her. After my parents finding out, being fired from my job, and 2 very dear pets passing away all within the same month it seemed something snapped in my head. Ive always had severe mental health problems but anxiety was never a huge issue for me. I struggled with ptsd, severe depression, self harm, and an eating disorder in high school. This new panic began to consume me and my relationship without me even knowing. I would break down into complete panic attacks and think insanely irrational things. I had a mass fear of time and abandonment and a need to plan things. Im January we had a bad weekend and she finally told me how it was affecting her- I didnt even realize what had been happening. She felt controlled by the guilt and pressure she was feeling to fix me. She felt guilty for leaving or hanging out with other people. I starting trying to find help but at the time could not afford it and I kept looking. I intentionally tried to give her space and frequently had conversations about how I didnt want her to fix me and it wasnt her job. She wasnt good at setting boundaries. She was still spending most of her time with me but I thought it was just because she wanted to and she would never admit differently. To me things seemed to be going pretty well... there were bumps and my panic attacks were really bad but I felt aware and tried my hardest to take steps towards being healthier. I was genuinely working very hard- I just didnt have the tools. I would completely lose myself during a panic attack and none of the coping skills or things I knew made her feel guilty mattered because I couldnt think of anything other than panic. Finally I saved enough money to start therapy. I was nervous because therapy had really hurt me in high school and I had bad experiences in the mental health field...I had my very first session and was relieved that I was finally going to get the tools I needed to make bigger steps. then that night I had a panic attack and she left me. It is absolutely devastating. I feel like Im not even fully alive anymore. Its all so incredibly confusing because she still talks to me and sees me and says she loves me... she just says she doesnt want a relationship right now and doesnt feel romantically towards anything at the moment but that it doesnt mean she wont want to try again down the road. She isnt sure... all she knows is that she wants to be herself and to find what setting boundaries looks like because being with me in my anxiety made her feel trapped and anxious. To me this is understandable on one hand.... and on the other puts me in a very difficult position. She is worth the world to me and I would wait forever for a shot at a life with her- but every day feels like a fresh heartbreak and I dont know how long I can do it. Im hanging myself out to dry in hopes the growth we both need individually will lead us back together- but its worth it to me. I dont want my mental health to take anything else away from me- especially her. I just cant figure out what is healthy and okay and what is just going to destroy me in waiting. She could end up never wanting to try again but if I dont stay Ill never know. Each day is more painful than the last.
Mstmarie profile picture
Ive lost everything. I don
Anxiety Support / by Mstmarie
Last post
 May 7th, 2020
...See more My girlfriend left me almost a month ago. We have been together for just over a year and, while I understand that seems like a short time, it has been the most fulfilling and complete love I have ever experienced. She is worth the world to me- so much so that I admitted my love for her to my parents knowing full well they would disown me. They are a very baptist family and same sex relationships are not acceptable. We knew and cared for each other in a way I couldnt even imagine possible. I was 100% sure from the bottom of my heart that I would spend the rest of my life with her. After my parents finding out, being fired from my job, and 2 very dear pets passing away all within the same month it seemed something snapped in my head. Ive always had severe mental health problems but anxiety was never a huge issue for me. I struggled with ptsd, severe depression, self harm, and an eating disorder in high school. This new panic began to consume me and my relationship without me even knowing. I would break down into complete panic attacks and think insanely irrational things. I had a mass fear of time and abandonment and a need to plan things. Im January we had a bad weekend and she finally told me how it was affecting her- I didnt even realize what had been happening. She felt controlled by the guilt and pressure she was feeling to fix me. She felt guilty for leaving or hanging out with other people. I starting trying to find help but at the time could not afford it and I kept looking. I intentionally tried to give her space and frequently had conversations about how I didnt want her to fix me and it wasnt her job. She wasnt good at setting boundaries. She was still spending most of her time with me but I thought it was just because she wanted to and she would never admit differently. To me things seemed to be going pretty well... there were bumps and my panic attacks were really bad but I felt aware and tried my hardest to take steps towards being healthier. I was genuinely working very hard- I just didnt have the tools. I would completely lose myself during a panic attack and none of the coping skills or things I knew made her feel guilty mattered because I couldnt think of anything other than panic. Finally I saved enough money to start therapy. I was nervous because therapy had really hurt me in high school and I had bad experiences in the mental health field...I had my very first session and was relieved that I was finally going to get the tools I needed to make bigger steps. then that night I had a panic attack and she left me. It is absolutely devastating. I feel like Im not even fully alive anymore. Its all so incredibly confusing because she still talks to me and sees me and says she loves me... she just says she doesnt want a relationship right now and doesnt feel romantically towards anything at the moment but that it doesnt mean she wont want to try again down the road. She isnt sure... all she knows is that she wants to be herself and to find what setting boundaries looks like because being with me in my anxiety made her feel trapped and anxious. To me this is understandable on one hand.... and on the other puts me in a very difficult position. She is worth the world to me and I would wait forever for a shot at a life with her- but every day feels like a fresh heartbreak and I dont know how long I can do it. Im hanging myself out to dry in hopes the growth we both need individually will lead us back together- but its worth it to me. I dont want my mental health to take anything else away from me- especially her. I just cant figure out what is healthy and okay and what is just going to destroy me in waiting. She could end up never wanting to try again but if I dont stay Ill never know. Each day is more painful than the last.
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