BIO

Hi everyone

I am Saed

Age 18 19

Gender male

Living with parents and siblings

Pursuing my career in music production, animation, motions graphic hoping to achieve 2 or 3 solid jobs.

Currently focusing on improving these and also taking care of my health with working out and stretching and eating, sleeping betterr but I fail often and find a hard time being consistent and disciplined and fueled due to my mental/emotional problems. Speaking of mental problems

i have:

Depression, lack warmth and unconditional love, lack of praise and being seen, emotional starvation, some trauma from logical solutions, logical thinking, logical activities, trauma especially from math and my father since he is strongly logically oriented and driven. 

I flinch and get into fight and flight mode when I talk to him or do a logical activity at anytime.

Lack of self esteem and confidence and authenticity obviously since these are the symptoms of the bad family.

And a porn addiction in which I subconsciously, without knowing, chase what I miss in my real life. To be loved unconditionally and praised. which i am trying to fix.

Now, I can get over ALL OF these easily since I am hard working and serious of being a spectacular man and a future husband for my future wife that is yet to come but I couldn't do anything due to two main problems that I found, but maybe there are more:

Emotional starvation and warmth and porn addiction, though I think the addiction is a symptom and not the main problem.

Anyways I am here to... well...I don't know why but I have to get enough emotional fuel that makes me be able to go through my daily routine without relapsing or falling in shame and depression and suicidal thoughts and other pitfalls of hopelessness. That is what I think I need and what I am trying to get. How? I don't know but... I just ran out of ideas so I came here so i can hold someones hand and be guided and cared for until i can stand on my legs.

I lack many things in life but I complain About nothing if I can do something about it no matter how hard or long. Since I discovered i my future wife, meaning the idea of marriage, I just went on full grind mode to get to there... I hate my current life and I see life begins when I meet her but to find a true feminine loving moral human emotionally caring woman... I have to reach the standard in masculinity to be worthy and I am not speaking of society's standards i am speaking of my own and...I am failing to pursue them so I am doing all I can...EVERYTHING I CAN in order to move towards her... its hard and painful but... I love her too much to give up on life though i have every reason to but i still refuse to give up on her.

to sum it all i lack connection and for someone like me i dont get energy from sleep
or rest i get it from connection. honest loving genuine PERSONAL connection fuels
me to face life like a solider with no legs and one eye. that is how
much strength i gain when get connection.

i only need that and only that... if one person here can be with me in my daily life... hold my daily pain and be my shoulder to fall apart on and cry... see me and talk to me when i dont speak first... i will be off this app in no time and will live a SUCH SUCH colorful life AND i i will help other here and be there for them because i want and must help. it doesnt matter if its just an app... when someone says they are hugging me... i feel it here.
so please... dont give up on me. i can be so much if i could grow in a safe place. 
and i need someone who is there for me long term and is talkative and someone i can depend on at least every 3 or 2 days if not daily.