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Hi everyone, thank you for being here.
I would need advice for a topic I know I most likely will be judged for. I have been doing some stuff that go against my morals as a selfish coping mechanism, as for not having a good support system or am getting too overwhelmed by all the emotions that I break down and fall back to old patterns.
Two years ago, I was 18. I moved out of my country that brought me a lot of pain for 10 years ( loneliness, depression, anorexia, sexual abuse, drug abuse and even attempt to exit life ) yeah I went through it all. I dropped high school in order to fully heal. Dropped everything not healthy for me, read books and learned more then ever. I managed to make so much progress so fast, that the only thing missing, was getting myself in a better environment, and continue the healing there. So I moved as fast as I turned 18, alone, to a warm country far away, no plans, no expectations, completely new chapter.
I was filled with anxiety and excitement. I got a job, got more friends then I ever had through the job, and shorty after I started feeling happiness I for the longest time belived wouldn’t be possible for me. I had more energy then ever. I felt like I could do and go through anything. My future was looking very blurry, yet so bright.
Until I fell in love for the first time ever. No it was great in the start, when we were newly in love, but the catch is that they didn’t live there. Because of political faked up reasons, they were not allowed to enter my country, and I had work 5-6 times a week. We were just texting and talking for the longest time until I got to visit for a day. And then we had just one day to spend together to so wait another month to meet up again for a day again.
This longing and grief of not being able to see the only person I want to be with, was totally killing me. I had abandonment issues and separation anxiety from my childhood, so this really felt a huge punishment. I had panic attacks and cried a lot, I weren’t able to enjoy the company of my friends that much anymore. I told them I can’t keep doing this, but they were so positive and in peace with themselves that I got told to push through and try to not think about it.
Here I made the first mistake. I don’t know if the mistake was that I kept the relationship going, or that I got myself distracted with romantic attention from other people. I got tired of being so sad, so I would invite people over and yes I would cheat. I was still 18 and did not know better. This was something I had never experienced in that sense.
That is how I made it work until I decided to leave my work, leave my friend and move in with them. I was so happy to make that choice, but shortly regretted. I realised I left everything I had built during this year and now I’m in this new environment with people who does not speak my languages, their economy is a disaster and I was with my partner in a tiny apartment with many other people. I did not like the country, or my partners daily habits and routines. Shortly i lost touch with my healthy habits too. That’s when I understood I made a big mistake. I was so low that I moved eventually back to my home country since I spent all my money, they could not support me, and I was not happy anymore.
We were still together. They loved me with all their heart, and I loved them back more then myself.
In my home country, I fell for 3 months straight back to the old depressed state. I was so confused and low. It was cold and no sun for a single day during these 3 months. I still worked tho, saved up the money, and moved out again to the country I was born in, before my parents moved. But there it was no better. I tried re building healthy habits and routines. I even started an online business and earned enough money to survive. But I was not happy. I cheated again once. Still couldn’t bare to tell them or break up, even tho I tried many times, I got told I’m not thinking straight and cannot being up topics like that.
Now I continue to travel, socialise, planning a huge trip to do backpacking in Asia in a few months (they don’t want to join) and expand my business. But, my partner is graduating from university in just a month. I should’ve been so happy that we “survived” two years of long distance, can finally live together and all, but that scares me now. They don’t have a clear plan or goal, they are not as ambitious as me, and I highly value, for myself especially, to have goals and to keep that fire in our souls going, and seeing they don’t resonate with that, makes me question myself.
I find myself talking with other people, I’ve cheated another time too and realised it is possible for me to get that perfect connection with others. I genuinely do still love my partner. I wish them nothing but the best, but might not be the right person for them. The physical attraction, from my side, have totally faded too. Our life goals and perspectives have gone pretty different ways, and I cannot anymore have a deep conversation about anything I’m passionate about.
I know I’m by heart not a bad person, I love people, I care way too much for the world and my favourite thing is to help others. Yet, I’m doing something very hurtful to an amazing person who does not deserve it. I don’t want to keep doing this. I think I will break up with them next time we will see each other in person.
It is such a shame that that was our whole relationship. In the beginning I believed they was the one, nobody had loved me like that before, and I never cared that much for anyone.
The question is; am I right for making this choice, or should I not let them go just yet, be honest and try to make it work?
Both options are equally hard.
Thank you if you read through this long message.
Any kind of opinion means a lot to me.
I hope you are healthy, safe, happy and fulfilled. Trust yourself and remember you are never alone.
