N7Alexitron Member Profile

...See more Hello, this is the first time I've ever really talked about my problems to strangers on the internet but, seeing as I've reached the end of my straw, I decided to type a lengthy description of what is bothering me here. Have you ever had time speed up on you? When I was in high school, I told one friend about this phenomenon. Sometimes, when my thoughts well up in one swift tide, I begin to feel a rush of adrenaline. I become very aware of my breathing, and all my movements seem deliberate and way faster than my own dexterity could muster. Every breath sends pangs of anxiety through me, my sweat grows cold, similar to the moments before you pass out, and I ride it out like a bad trip. Not nearly as uncommon, though, are my bouts of insomnia. I work night shifts as a cook at a college campus. I frequently get home, exhausted, around one am, and then proceed to stay awake until the late afternoon the next day. This builds up, and then I proceed to sleep some 12-15 odd hours on my days off. Honestly, even when I do go to sleep on time, I end up sleeping way too much. I continue to gain weight, even though I can't particularly afford groceries. I usually snack on something light when I get home, and eat dinner on my break. These are all daily annoyances, but hardly my biggest problem. (Though being overweight really doesn't help.) I know I have people that love me. I know. My boyfriend has been around almost 5 years, my roommate has lived with me through two apartments. I have friends that see me every Saturday for a night of dungeons and dragons. But I can't help but feel alone. And I'm so tired of being alone. I feel like everyone is just biding their time until they can leave. I've never had anyone who stayed. I never had anyone who took the time to pry in to my life like I would for so many people. I can't get anyone to talk to me for more than five minutes, I can't find a friend who actually wants to spend time with me. I just look at myself and make excuses. Why would anyone hang out with me, I'm boring. Colton is lying when he says I'm beautiful, just to make me happy. I know what I really look like. I'm useless, of course I dropped out of college. Of course I'm a disappointment to my family. Colton works so hard just to barely afford the bills, I'm just one huge burden. I'm not just an emotional burden, but a financial one as well. I refuse to buy new clothes. I refuse to buy make-up. I refuse to buy anything but food and living essentials. And when I do buy things for myself, I always lament the loss of those funds. I could have bought cat food instead. I could have bought a few groceries. I should have saved that, saved it for when I need to shell out more money for health care. Why the hell did I buy that shirt, it doesn't matter what I wear, I'll just look like a ball of fat. My parents owe 6000 for fixing my teeth, and the work is only half-way completed. I owe 20,000 for an education I couldn't finish, I recently found out I might have Factor V Leiden, a blood disorder that is slowly chipping away at my rock of a father. What if I contract diabetes? I'm overweight, and it runs on both sides of my family. My sister is Bipolar, and seeing the similarities between us is harrowing. I'm a black pit where poverty festers and dreams go to die. I don't think I can type anymore. Thank you for reading.

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