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NavyGrapes9755
203 M Embraced 2
PathStep 4 Compassion hearts7 Forum posts4 Forum upvotes4 Current upvotes4 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2018 Member sinceApril 28, 2018
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Is there a such thing as normal?? or a point in trying to reach so called "normal"
Anxiety Support / by NavyGrapes9755
Last post
 May 2nd, 2018
...See more This is the second time I wrote this. Hopefully, I figured out how to work this site this time... I've been anxious my wholeeee life. like since Kindergarten my whole life. Once in kindergarten I was afraid to ask to use the bathroom, so I wet myself, still didn't say anything, hid it, went home and cried, still didn't say anything, went back to school, and fixed it by reminding myself to always use the bathroom during recess so I still wouldn't have to ask. I had panic attacks until I was 22 my whole life. Stopped talking for half a year when I was 13, my whole life. In highschool, I used to spy on other people's conversations and steal how and what they spoke to each other so I could sound more "normal." My whole life I've been anxious And most of the women in my family are the same. My mom can't drive on the highway or anywhere new without breaking down, so she makes someone drive her through all the backroads until she feels comfortable. My grandma refused to leave her house for years, so we delivered groceries to her. And no one ever gets help, ever, they just help themselves as best they can and keep on pushing on. And although i'm the only one who struggles with communicating, I'm the same way! Fix what I can, avoid what I can't. I seriously pass for functional, alll the time. I am functional a lot of the time. I'm just sick of still feeling anxious, after all this time when I meet a stranger, or have to converse with a coworker, acquaintance, teacher, anyone really (other than a close old old friend) for more than 5 minutes. It's so draining and so hard to meet ANYONE, cause I personally start freaking out 5 minutes in and "abort abort abort" start happening. But I also feel like I've fixed myself as much as anyone else could fix me, and wonder if there's even a point in trying to become more "normal." Like what is normal. Maybe this is how "normal" it is possible for me to get, and I just need to get over/used to it. Also, this is the definition of a rambling rant. Sorry.
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