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(TW) Was my experience sexual harassment and how do i get over it?

Women's Issues / by Neon3214

May 3rd, 2024

...See more (I'm sorry in advance, english isn't my first language)This happened around 11 or 12 years ago and i still think about it to this day. I don't know if it was sexual harassment or something similar to that but it affects me in that sphere. I was in kindergarden and as all kids i had a boyfriend who was from the same group as me. He had two sisters who were in my group too but we weren't the same age. One of his sisters was younger by 1 year and the other older than him i think by 2 ot 3 years. We had a relationship normal for kids of the age of 5 or 6 where we just played more together than with others and nothing else. I had grown close with both his sisters and of course since one of them was older i remember looking up to her a lot. One day i was talking to her and she called for her brother and asked us if we knew what sex was. We had both heard of it but we didn't have much of an idea what it was. She explained that it is something forbidden and that only couples are allowed to do it, that it involves touching and other stuff. Her brother got curious and wanted us to try it since we were 'toghether'. She said that she would allow it only if we let her watch and she wouldn't tell anyone. I wasn't up for the idea but i was also curious to try. We got behind a bigger bush in the kindergarden's yard and she was giving us instructions on what to do. We started undressing and unziping our pants, his hasd was in my *** and he was moving his figers way too rough. I said i don't like it and that i want to stop but she said that if we don't continue she would tell the teachers. He kept touching me and kissing my mouth just like his sister told him and i started crying but he didn't stop. I started yelling for them both to stop while i was trying to put my clothes back on. The sister started running towards the teachers and i ran behind her crying and begging her not to tell them as we did do something and she should have kept her promise not to tell. I honestly can't remember if she did tell the teachers and if it got to my parents but we've never talked about it at home. Since i remember wearing jeans that day i hadn't wore jeans for more tham 5 years after that happened. For a very long time i thought that maybe i lost my virginity that day because i remember bleeding on my ***, but i can't recall if the bleeding was just for this day or for a couple of days(because of stress). I still don't know that and I'm too scared to find out. Now every time i try to talk to people who i find attractive or even want to just hug or touch some of my friends i remember that day and think that maybe they will betray me too someday. I can't seem to get comfortable with anyone or trust them. I'm also scared to death to have an intercourse of any sort with another person. I've had huge crushes on people but i can't express my feelings about stuff like that because they don't feel real or strong enough, so I've watched many of the people that i like just choose someone else over me or completely ignore me because of my behaviour. I also get intense anxiety when people are watching me no matter where i am, what am i doing, how i am dressed and who is watching me. I don't even let my mom see me in less clothing than a summer pajamas. How do you think i can get over this? I really need some help...

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