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Neptuni44
162 M Embraced 1
PathStep 6 Compassion hearts13 Forum posts3 Forum upvotes4 Current upvotes4 Age GroupAdult Last activeNovember, 2021 Member sinceSeptember 4, 2021
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Depression Support / by Neptuni44
Last post
 September 21st, 2021
...See more Hello everyone, To start off my name is Ralph I am 22 years old. Many of us here have had difficult lives we are not really well off mentally by any means. My state of mind feels as if it's on the verge of breaking every single day. I was born to parents who loved me at times. They argued and still do so on a daily basis. It became the normality of our lives even though it shouldn't be. When I was younger my parents would beat me to discipline me but they would also both beat me when they needed to relieve some stress and anger they had towards each other. They also did it not only physically but mentally. You may be wondering well Ralph how do you know this? I have a smaller sister who has never been beat and both of my parents treat her much better than I. Anyhow, my parent's side of the family hates each other. It's something you'd see in a Mexican novela. My father and his side of the family have extreme beliefs and trust in witchcraft. It's apparently a gift that runs in the family to be able to do certain witchcraft and perceive the supernatural. This is where the issues began. My parents almost got divorced when I was around 14 and it shattered who I was. I broke mentally at these news and collapsed to my knees and couldn't stop crying. I was already unhappy before this there were even points in my life where the cops had to come over and talk to my parents because of all the screaming. I still remember how this one officer tried to distract me by asking me about the video game I was playing. My father would make me write stuff down on a piece of paper to memorize it to tell my mother in order to let her take him back and to fix their marriage. My father had and still accuses my mother of cheating with another woman. My father would tell me stuff at 14 years old to the point that I believed that they were my own memories and I was able to envision them very vividly. I am sure it is thanks to me that the lives of that family which that woman belonged to are ruined. My father's mother hated my mother and me. She would always belittle me who was her oldest male grandchild and put the youngest one on a pedestal to try and make me feel like I was worth nothing. She would constantly tell me that I would grow up to be nothing and that I was useless. I have no hatred for my younger cousin because I know that he did nothing to me. My grandfather aka her husband was an alcoholic who has a terrible reputation in the family so everyone despises him except me because I understand that we are all victims of life. My own parents have also told me that I am a parasite or that I am useless. Even today not even 20 minutes ago my mother told me that I was a coward who could not be trusted and that I am useless in life. My parents always argue and I have learned to remain level-headed to mediate between the two yet when they think I am picking a side they always resent me. I just try my best to be the voice of reason. I may be lacking in many ways as a son and as a family member but I do not know what to do. Ever since I was a child in elementary school I wanted to phase away from this life as if I never existed. Even now I would very much like to one day just travel to a place that has a lot of snow and very cold temperatures so that I could for the first time in my life become intoxicated and take a lot of pills. I would then hopefully pass outside in the cold and freeze to death or at least overdose on the pills. My sister is literally the only reason I even have any reason to live because I do not want to leave her alone in this world with the families that we have because I know that she is much weaker than I am emotionally and mentally. I had to learn how to survive in a way and my family now tells me that I am in a way devoid of emotions as if I have no emotions when it matters. I never cry when people close to us or who are family die. I just see it as a part of life it does not affect me. My sister has told me that I am a robot and I care for nobody in this life as my family has also told me. My parents have not been the best I will admit but I still care for them deep down because I understand that they are the only parents that I will ever have. Their issues have made it impossible for me to open up to anybody. I have never even been able to be in a relationship or pursue one due to the issues and fears which I live with thanks to all the accusations and issues I have at home. Through the years I became a very antisocial person with anxiety issues. My mom has always told me that I was diagnosed as a child with ADHD and Aspergers. If this is true then I do not understand why they always try to compare me to the children of others if I am not normal. I did not ask to be born like this or to be born in the first place. Obviously, there have been many more occurrences in my life like seeing my own aunt die in front of my eyes and my paternal grandfather try to run over my mom's brother, etc. We all live difficult lives so I may seem to undermine my difficulties but I just don't know what to do with my life or what to even expect. I cannot open up to my parents I know this because when I try to do so they tell me that I am playing the victim and get mad at me. Even some of my cousins have admitted to me before and to my parents that they do not know how I am not dead from suicide or dealing with addiction issues with drugs and alcohol. I just joined this thing to see if there was anything that people think I should do. I have not gotten professional help at all in my life. I had been diagnosed with severe depression at 14 but nothing was ever done since as we all know we can put up quite a facade to fool others that we are alright. What do you people think I should do?
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