NoOneSpecialEllie Member Profile

...See more Hi, I'm new on this site/app. I've never mentioned this one thing before, until now.. lately it's finally come to mind and is constant.. it's there when I wake, through out the day and as I fall asleep. I feel like maybe I'm being dramatic and blowing this all out of portion and if I ever brought it up..be it to a therapist, my SO or to the one that did it...they say I was a fuckin dramatic idiot. I need to know, do I have a right to be upset or disturbed by this after all this time??? I grew up with a brother that's 4 years nine months older than me and a mother that was addicted to crack and prostituted herself to men frequently.. she had a habit of leaving us alone for hours (one of her boyfriend had already molested me but I didn't tell) and she be gone up to 2 days at a time (I was 6 and brother was 10).. we had a cousin that was 15 who had already been molesting me for years (side note: recently found out that cousin r***d my brother because he told my brother that if he didn't let him, he'd done it to me instead) {and now I carry that and feel like it's my fault}. One day after our mother came home, she smoke crake with a man and they had what looked like really rough sex (it's literally burned into my mind) guess they were goured out their minds? (Side note: the door to her bedroom had a good size hole in it). Me and my brother stood there watching..I don't know how long but to me now, it seems like an eternity. They ended up leaving after that.. I remember it was dark or getting dark. It was just me and my brother. I don't know how long time had passed since then. My brother had gotten a plaid blanket and sat Infront of the front door and told me to come get under it with him. I didn't want to but he had convinced me to lay down under it with him. He wanted me to pull down my pants and I kept refusing, I wouldn't do it, he pulled me closer to him and I felt his "hard private" against my thigh. And after so many things that had already happened to me..I knew what was happening. I got up quickly and got away from him and that all I remember of that situation.. it was never spoken of again. I wonder if he even remembers? He was 10 and I was 6. Does a 10 year old know right from wrong and do they get a pass when they lived a f'd up childhood?? Do I have a right to feel so angry and disgusted in him? He's 36 now and been happily married for 14 years and a Christian. It's not like I can ask him why he did that, I'd be hated and maybe called a liar..I don't know.. isn't that how it works?. I feel sick for always says the only person I had in life growing up was my brother.. in truth, he really wasn't there for me. Years after that incident when I was nine, {we were outside playing around in the dark} our 23 year old cousin (a dif one) told my brother to hold me and my brother held my arms behind my back as our cousin pulled his pants down coming towards me with his hard "private" out. I kicked him hard and twisted my arms outta my brothers grasp and ran inside and never spoke of it. Years later, I asked my brother about it. He seemed really annoyed and uncomfortable about me asking and said he didn't know that was gonna happen. And it wasn't brought up again. Sorry if this was so long. I just need help in understanding if I'm just being stupid about it all. Thank you. Any advice helps.

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