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NorCal
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PathStep 247 Compassion hearts1,649 Forum posts42 Forum upvotes40 Current upvotes40 Age GroupAdult Last activeMarch, 2025 Member sinceAugust 7, 2016
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I am here for depression and anxiety issues, if you want to know anything more, just ask.

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Ashamed
Relationship Stress / by NorCal
Last post
 August 14th, 2016
...See more I am ashamed of myself for believing I could be loved and that somebody as wonderful and beautiful could love me. I gave you the prime years of my life, for 17 yrs you were a piece of me. And now you have thrown it all away down the sewer and flushed my love, dedication, endless devotion for you with it into the the abyss. What do I want? I want you. I want what we had a few weeks ago when you loved me. When you were there and were excited about being with me. We owned the world and it was our. We held hands, we loved, we kissed in public. We were it. What do I have now. But a hole. A pain, I feel soooo dead. yes, so dead. I did nothing wrong yet I am paying almost the ultimate price, my soul is gone, my heart is gone and I am empty without you. What else can possibly matter. Nothing. What did I do wrong. that is nothing, which is why you cant see me or talk to me. You use me? I do not think so. I think you just went with your emotions and left me. But WTF??? After all we have been through and doing, we had just what.. 2 wks until closing on the house? C'Mon!!!!!!!!!!!! It is summer time, were taking the hammock on the motorcycle and getting lost in the mtns for a few days, just us & the bike w/food & hammock to sleep & love in. But it is gone. We had the plans. The wedding, oh Lord, the wedding...... I cant even go into that right now. Our love, that is another. I am obsessed with you, I never strayed all those years and how can I veer from my course now? It was so good, remember our walks at nite and how we would act? Remember all the affection and acting like teenagers? Oh why did you leave!!!!!! Your own family is saying that you did the bad move; throwing everythign away for the shit life is what your brothers say. My love for you does not change; you can come back and I will not bring up what you did or hold it against you. I just want you. I can accept you back or not at all. And I want it all! This is all for now, it is late at night & I feel drained. I want to ride my motorcycle around old town. it is warm 2nite.I thnk i will.
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I did nothing wrong, why did this happen?
Relationship Stress / by NorCal
Last post
 January 8th, 2020
...See more Hello everybody. I am going through onf of the worst times of my life. My fiance` left me for no reason, and has not communicated at all. She had gone home to gather the rest of her belongings and a few days before returning she ran into her X and they got back together immediately. I am so lost, so betrayed, so much feeling like a pile of s***. I contemplate hurting myself and fantasize on the different ways I can do it painlessly. We had a beautiful relationship filled with affection and love, but what happened? I have no clule as things were great, wonderful, fantastic! now I am kicked to the curb without so much as a word/text/email. Nothing. She refuses to answer my calls and turns off the phone. She has moved back in with her X and causing turmoil within her family. Why am I such a pile of crap to deserve this? All I did was love her for MANY MANY years and told her so, while she reciprocated the same feelings to me. I do not know what to do. I am lost. I am dead. I am not worthy of love or affection? How about a bit of the truth and tell me what you did and why! But would that help my head? probably not. A short version of my story is in this forum under the Surviving Breakups & Divorce [https://www.7cups.com/forum/BreakupsDivorceSupportCommunity_56/SurvivingBreakupsDivorce_46/] headings, it is titled Abandoned. I feel like nothing matters and everything is over. I cry at night and scream into my pillow. My voice is gone from these actions and I have not ate in days. Constantly dehydrated no matter how much water I drink. Am I so pathetic I chased her away? Is this all my fault? It has to be. She is so great and I must really suck. I need help.
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Abandoned
Relationship Stress / by NorCal
Last post
 November 5th, 2018
...See more I have a storybook love story to tell. I am hoping by getting this out it will be a form of therapy. Feedback is appreciated. The beginning of our relationship was just friendship then one day she said she was attracted to me and we started dating. We had fun and ran around in the city and suburbs of Portland, Oregon. We met started dating in the hot summer when temps were in the 90's to low 100F, we cruised at night with windows down blaring music in a 1967 Mustang - life was great! I ended up moving back to California to avoid a lifestyle of drugs that I was starting to get into, and she came with me. This lasted for awhile but I was ignoring her and she left (I was on internet to much) the year now is 1997/98. In 2002 she contacted me again via IRC (Internet Relay Chat) as I have a long established channel on the Undernet servers. She wanted to come back, but guess what? She has a baby. I accepted her immediately back to California and life was grand! I ceremoniously adopted the boy as my own and called him as such, he is about 10 mos old at this time I think. We had the most wonderful 2 1/2 years until my brother was to show up for Christmas and did not want to visit with her as they had clashed before. my mother asked me if she could go back home to visit family while my brother was here, she agreed and went home - only she never came back, this is 2004. I absolutely loved this woman and my new son, yes it was my fault for not standing up to my mother (who had severe medical problems and died a year and half later) by letting my brother impose his will and degrade her. I was very wrong. My love for her never waved, I wanted her back so badly yet she would not hear of it. For 12 years I thought of her daily and nightly, I would pray to God for him to reunite us, I never dated, I never touched another woman. My love and devotion for her was and is still true and strong. Now you have the basics of our past, lets get to the rest of the story. When I left oregon in 1997 I had tickets which turned to warrants of varying degrees and I was wanted in that state, but not California, so I went on with my life and worked, I ended up owning a business and things were good - yet I was still lonely and pining for her daily/nightly. Time to get rid of the warrants! That was in 2014. I contacted a lawyer in Portland and made an arrangment to turn myself in to the jail. I had friends visiting me in Humboldt that were heading back to Portland and they offered me a ride and stay at their house, even drop me off at the jail before 6am on my surrender date. The days went by and soon I was back in Oregon a place I had not been in 12 years. My friends husband was taking me to the jail, the time is 5:30 in the morning. He drops me off and I walk the TWO blocks to the front door of the jail. Who sees me? MY LOVE! I had not been in Oregon for 12 yrs and in the short jaunt of a 2 block walk, there she was with the boy that I called my own. They were driving and she swore it was me, she checked the jail roster and they confirmed it was me. Ten days later I am free. And she had called my house in Humboldt (the phone number and my cell number I kept as original in case ever the day, she wanted to reach out to me like she did yearly), within a month she was again in contact with me and asked what I would do if she were on my doorstep, I said I would "Swing the door wide open! Welcome you with a KISS" she cried and 9 hours later she was here. I am the happiest man on earth! I am beaming pride and love. Life was wonderful - better than wonderful. due to the fact I am raising my Grandkids we now had a small family, we all loved each other and got along great. We both said it was Gods will that we got back together, especially under the circumstances. She stated she even thought of me almost daily through those years. We were so loving to each other. I called her my wife, she called me her husband. A year almost goes by and things are better by the day - she had asked me to marry her and I said yes. We set up a plan to get married this fall, we had rings and plans being made. Last week she went back up north so kids can visit with their friends and she could get the rest of her stuff that we could not get on a previous trip. Well first few days were OK we kept in constant contact but after 5 days she stopped calling completely and would not answer her phone. Through her son, the boy I loved as my own he told me she ran into a X and was with him now she said "he quit drining and goes to church!" My life ended. She will not even talk to me. I am abandoned. I hurt, I am betrayed, I love her with all my heart and would take her back in a moment but I know I am screwed. What do I do? I have options but none of them are good. I think of hurting myself as the only option to end the pain, people say there are others but not like this beautiful woman. She is my everything. Even typing this I start to weep. I did nothing wrong, I was the perfect husband-to-be. I worked, paid the mortgage and utility bills, we had food flowing out of the cupboards and refrigerator. Never wanting for anything - hell I had a bit over $50K of available cash in my old business bank account. We would go out on the weekends for motorcycle rides - just me and her. In our room we sat together constantly and talked/loved. I was very very affectionate, in a number of ways as was she. But now it is gone. For no reason. I did not even get a breakup call/text. There is more to the story obviously but those are the basics of our relationship. I would kill myself to have it over agian. I do not want to go into how bad I feel, as that just brings on the panic attacks that I have been having in my sleep, at work and thinking moments - unless I am not crying over what I have lost. Food, sleep, staying out from behind locked door? Those are things I have not been doing for several days now and is effecting me physically. Again, I do not care. I would rather have it over than not be with my love. I think I got off the original idea of this "statement of my life" but the mind wanders and I type freestyle. Am I so bad that I do not even get a phone call or text? Why must I be treated like this by the woman I adore, and how can she treat me like this? I know the solution but wrapping the end of a garden hose with tin foil so it dont melt and put in exhaust pipe so the engine purrs me to sleep is probably not it. But what else do I have? Yes I am probably being ridiculed now and laff'd at by some of you folks reading this.. but it is my story.
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