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Hi mom and beloved sister.
I have never said this to you or anyone in the family, actually I told this to no one before! but I have always looked up to you, I a hope that you will somehow, someday look at me with proud, and say it to everyone that you're proud of me, just as you are about your elder son, how you think he can do everything in the world, how you believe in him, how you support his judgment and decisions. I always wanted you to look at me the same way. I wanted you to put your trust me in just as you did trusted him. he never knew anything from the beginning, you guys let him be free, explore and do things on his own while you trusted that he will do it. and he did! but whenever it came you me, you never let me do things on my own, you've always treated me like Im some stupid who doesn't know anything.
yeah I didn't know a lot of things, but no one does as a child. they learn to do things eventually! but you! you guys never gave me that confidence and treated me like someone who's just stupid and someone who can't get his things done. while you let my brother go and do stuff on his own, you never gave me that chance to prove myself ever. whenever I wanted to do something to prove myself so you could see me as someone who is not stupid and worthless, you either told me I can't do things, or asked someone to accompany me. But never, in my life, you put your trust in me, even now, when I am 23 years old! You still treat me that way sometimes, you never even let me buy my own clothes cause you thought I don't know what to buy! and you had to ask my brother to what should I buy! why would you do that? why would you not let me take my own decisions? if i'd fall, I'll only learn! i'll know the mistakes I can make and i'd eventually become someone wise! but you never gave me any chance at all even in something as low as getting clothes of my own choice!
As a child, my first boast of confidence was supposed to come from my parents, my family! but since my childhood, you were the guys who pulled me down from everything until I became someone who had lost trust and confidence in himself. I became self loathing cause you people not gave me that confidence, that love and that sense of security! I not only felt inferior but useless! it's just so so wrong of you, how could you do this to your own child? how could you not love them equally? how could you not give them all their own chances, not everyone is supposed to be the same! I'm neither, everyone has their own qualities, I have my own! why would not help me discover them, instead you made me feel like a loser and that impression still follows me
Where ever I go, and whatever I try to do. you have made me sacrifice me own self until I become someone who no longer fights for what is rightfully mine! how can you be even okay with this? how do you not see that I remain isolated? why would you not even approach me and try to find out what made me so introvert, so shy, so much self loathing! how can you claim to love your children when you were always so blind to see that?
I've slept under the same roof, in the same room with all of you, I have sobbed! I wept, I cried, I screamed silently staying in the same room when you all slept in peace, I stayed awake and cried my lungs out! I spent many years, I cried so much that I am no longer to cry anymore, I want to but the tears just won't come and I feel even worst, and I find no way to lighten my heard cause I just can't cry anymore.
Being a child, what could I have wanted the most? To have someone to play with? I wanted that to be my siblings. But somehow I never really settled with any. Yeah siblings fight all the time I know this, but we had to worst kinds of fights and least love among us. Sometimes it almost felt like the interaction we did was in terms of fights, and by fights, I literally mean the ones that involved my elder sister and like, all fights had her involved, she was the catalyst to all!
I was merely a child, I wasnt even 10 years old since I have been into this and now Im 23, do you know how many this is? Its the major part of my life and you ruined it, yes, you, my own sister, whom I have loved all my life, did all I could to make peace with her, made fun of myself just to make her happy with me, and remember I was a child back then, still I put in so much efforts. Efforts that you were supposed to put for me, you were 8 years older than me, I wanted you to look after me, just as an elder sister is supposed to do, yet I was always afraid to even confront you cause every time I had it always ended up us all fighting. And it was all so depressing. I wanted to play with my little sister, I loved her so much, but you, my elder sister, instead of loving us both, you always pushed us away, you always came and took her away from me. Why would you do that to me, and only me? What had I ever done to you to deserve this? Just tell me, I have asked myself the same question for more than a decade but I could never answer myself. And its just depressing and frustrating to have gone through so much pain and yet I dont know what wrong have I done to deserve this, I am not sure how to fix it, I tried everything I could, but I dont even know what to do cause I am not sure what my fault is in all of this? Being a middle child perhaps? If there was a matter between me and little sister, my mom told me to back off cause shes young, but if the matter was between me and elder siblings, my mom asked me to back off cause they are elder? Why was I the only one asked to back off and bear it, and let it go. Why did I not deserve justice?
Fine, they were elders I should respect them, but like you asked me to be nice to my lil sister when she was rude and disrespectful, why could you not ask the elders to be nice to me as well? And when you told me to forgive my little sister cause shes young, why did you not tell her to respect me as you asked me to respect my elders? Why did you had to be unfair when it comes to me? Why was it always me! I could have been fine, I could have been better and able to let go of everything if at least someone, at least someone of you had told me that Im not wrong and its not my fault, but youve always looked down upon me, always wanted me to be the sacrificial pawn, always wanted me to be the odd one out, always thought of me as someone who couldnt get things done. WELL CONGRATULATIONS MOM! I turned out to be just as you always expected me to be, a failure. Im smart, intelligent, but I cant focus on anything cause theres always too much on my mind and I cant shake it off! I live in fears, I dont have the confidence in me to do things anymore. I feel so hesitated and tensed. I look down upon myself, I am sometimes even self loathing and think I am worthless, and believe me I do blame you for that. You were supposed to trust in me, and tell me I could do things done on my own, instead you always told me that I cant and rather had my brother or any other do things, until eventually I actually became someone, yes I am much better now, I can do things, much more than you thought I could, but I never saw the appreciation as well. I learnt things going against the odds, and the odds werent the people, or world, it was you people! Who just made fun of me. I have no doubt that you love me mom, I know you do, and I love you too, more than you know. But theres so much pain inside of me that I believe you caused, and you could have saved me from it, but you didnt.
Tell me what am I supposed to do now? Growing up have been a hell for me, all those fights and arguments at home made me sick and so much frustrated, that I started to stay outside of the house as much as I could have, not cause I wanted to, but cause whenever I was home, I felt so alone, I felt there was no one for me. I could see you all talking and laughing and I felt the odd one out. I could sit in with you people but my mind stayed way back, into my own hell that I burnt in everyday. Did you know that? No how could you! You were all too busy with yourself, you never thought theres an orphan amongst you, an orphan, who has a family, parents, but seeks love, respect. And place in your lives.
I dont know why I turned out to be so sensitive, why did I ever thought about fixing things between us, why did I never wanted stuff, like all other guys do, why did I not enjoyed staying out, why was I not carefree like most people are. I always thought I was different being in my friends, I was a child, but I was most mature among them, I never thought to do anything that could have caused you pain or suffering, I never did what you stopped me from, I could have enjoyed myself and easily lied to you. But I never could, in the environment I lived, I could have turned out to be like every other person on the street, fallen of into the bad company and I could have kept it all from you people easily but lying was never my strong suit, it was against the morality of merely a 10 years old child.
The difference I had from the friends I had, made me feel alone still, I was happy with them, I played with them all day, they were my best friends, but there was none that I could have said to be the reflection of me. They all just enjoyed their lives and I, I burnt in the cages you created for me. Every single day, the light in me died, I became someone even I didnt know anymore. I felt raged, but I couldnt know where to through it, I had refrained myself from interacting with my siblings unless it was something important etc. I didnt knew where to focus that rage, it all affected me and I couldnt even study properly, I just wanted to do stuff that would keep my mind off from the things that kill me all the time from the inside. Luckily I was always good enough to still never seeing failure in school or college and waded through my education, that was actually almost impossible for anyone else, I never even touched my books and would just appear in exam and get marks more than the average class. Even reach the top ten easily. Im glad you never wanted me to be to book worm, but come to think of it, you never thought I could do it even. I was just a disappointment wasnt I?
Whoever relative visited out house, you introduced me as someone who just stays happy to stay outside, not touching his books, being careless about my health and my brother as someone who is responsible and all good and hardworking, well Im sorry to break it you mom, I shared the room with my brother, I know the things he did, the things if you knew, you wouldnt be proud of him but I kept it from you, and I kept myself away from those activities as well. but did you ever bothered to know why I felt better staying outside rather than staying at home? Why was I invisible even when I was in the house? NO! I did it for you mom, growing old, I loved cartoons but your elder daughter never let me watch cartoons cause he had to watch TV, all day long! Do you remember how old I was back then? I was in 7 grade hardly, I was only 14, 15. That was my entertainment. I loved cartoons and shows related to cars. She would never let me watch them, if I wanted to play games on your phone mom, your phone! And she would take away the phone from me even. I kept minimizing my shows to take minimum time of watch TV, which was not my sisters property yet she had control of it, I eventually came to only 1 hour on a day, and then, just 30 mins in whole day, and we still had fights over the remote controller. And she would just wouldnt let me, she wouldnt let me play with with the little sister and my brother was too busy with his life. I was all alone. And guess what mom, I gave up watching TV, and today I dont watch it anymore, I stay in my room, on my laptop even today, right now. I backed out of everything that included interaction with my sister, everything. But she was the bossy one, always wandering on my head, telling me what to do what not to, I always asked you to stop her dictating me but sadly it wasnt in your power as well, I got up being the victim of her and you could never save me, back me up or anything, all you ever said to me was to let it go and forgive her. The ultimate sacrificial pawn I was, nothing more. What brother had to give up stuff cause of her 8 years elder sister, who faught and beated me every single day and told me to die, and wished, on my face that I was dead or never born, told me on my face, in front of all of you that she hates me to the core of her heart. She even threatened to kill me many times mom, do you not remember I had to sleep in my room with the door looked with my brother, and you and my brother hid the knives that were present in the kitchen cause even you guys believed she would kill me. Do you remember mom? Do you? And sister, do you remember having me growing up through all of this loathing? Do you know how much it has effected my personality?
Just when I thought I had found a way to keep away from these fights, we decided to move to another city, I was 16 back then, perhaps. Moving to a new city was devastating for me, I had lost my distraction, and it turned out, non of my many friends ever even tried to contact me ever again. I went insane in that time, I literally cried everyday, I cried in the daytime and the night. I felt the most miserable person on the planet. So alone, so weak, so isolated. I literally had no friends, or family. Do you remember mom? I dont think so, cause I was invisible. You could see in my eyes everyday, but could never see the pain Im in, even though I never tried to hid It from you, actually more than anyone else in the world, I wanted you to see it. Yes my dad! He was abroad, alone, working day and night to provide for us as no one else worked in our home, just as you never told him about the fights mom, I never said anything to him anything either, cause it would had killed him, he was always proud to have a happy family and living children, he never knew the monsters we had become. But he was the only one all along who treated me special, and always asked me why I sit alone away from everyone and stay quite most of the time. He could sense the tension in my personality, alone he did. But I always told him theres nothing. I know being alone away from home, for someone like him was already painful and I didnt wanted to add to it, that was the only sacrifice that I made with my own will. Cause I loved him always.
I know mom, I could see you cant control the others so you always asked me to be quite, and I swear I even isolated myself cause everytime we faught I saw you in pain and I couldnt bear it. I did everything for you and it just hurts that you cant see or appreciate it. From the start, no matter if I was happy or not, fine or not, I did everything that a brother and a son was supposed to do, yet you never really appreciated me for anything. Im sorry if I have disappointed you, I just dont know why and how.
My has been more terrible with us moving to another city, I got lost, alone, and worst. Depression got on its peak, I made a friend online, and eventually I fell in love with her, we have been together for 4 years, including 2 years being friends and 2 in a relationship, and, yes, that was literally the only time in my life, my entire life, when I felt how does it feels to be loved, cared for, I felt for the first time that I was worthy, even though I had no one else besides her in my life, in the almost 8 years in this city, I only made a handful of 3,4 friends. And non of them actually know what I hold inside. Only she did. Though I had to give her up as well, it wasnt just a normal breakup, for me, it was even worst considering she was the only person who gave me sense of security, confidence, respect, love and care. I endure the pain with pride cause I was proud of her of being a part of my life, showing me how beautiful life can be. But we were just not meant to be together. And I have been single even since, its been 3+ years now. I didnt made much friends either, I lost so many when I moved to this new place and I kind of realized no one is your friend actually, theres only one or two in a million who actually know what friendship is. But, all this is concentrated on the ups the downs I had with my family, not my relationship or friends circle. So. I guess, thats it.
Whoever reads this, I want you to know that I still love and respect everyone in my family and would never give up on them and I dont want you tell me that they are bad people or something, its just I have so many bad memories to come up with, that I has put my down my entire life, and I shared it cause I want to set myself free from this burden, build up my confidence, and stand up to life. And I just want you guys to help me do, give all the tips you have for me, about how can I strive to me better, and could rejoice my life once more. Thanks!
P.S: I tried to keep it short.
