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OliverCas
1 12,591 M Pacing Forward 8
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts423 Forum posts13 Forum upvotes16 Current upvotes16 Age GroupAdult Last activeApril, 2023 Member sinceMarch 31, 2021
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Fighting an invisible war
Trauma Support / by OliverCas
Last post
 May 1st, 2021
...See more I have been having terrible body memories and I have been horrible, I am not handling it well. I couldn't stop hurting myself for the past two days and I am drinking a lot. I had to hide away for a couple of days. I had to go back to my apartment, I got rid of all the mirrors and I stayed there trying to keep my shit together. I am not good, even when I try to be better I am just always fighting this invisible war that I can't see but I feel it, to my core. I feel everything but I cant remember. I am having nightmares still. I am a mess right now and I am still hiding, but today was better. I hope tomorrow is better as well. I just need a fucking break.
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I can't stand being in my own skin
Trauma Support / by OliverCas
Last post
 April 22nd, 2021
...See more I want to tear this body apart. I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin, every day I wake up and I hate it, I hate to feel the same as always. I hate how my body shakes and how I feel things that I can't explain. Today I have no appetite, I ate and I threw up. I feel so frustrated and I want to drink until I can't think and feel or just tear this body apart. I want to break it and to get out of it. I hate when someone gives me a compliment, when anyone says anything about the way I look, you have pretty eyes. I hate my eyes, they are my mother's eyes. And she broke me, she raped me and let her "friends" rape me too. She was a monster and I look like her. I DONT feel good-looking I don't like my hair or my eyes or anything that people like. I hate to hear compliments all I can think is what the fuck do they want? Sex? Because that is all my body can give. My father sold me. He trained me and sold me. He took me to all these places I can barely remember. I don't remember a lot only that I was being raped for money. I hate that my body can remember things my mind cannot. I feel so foreign in my own skin. Today I am on edge, I feel I am going to explode and I just want to get out of my mind and my body. I am always at war with myself.
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The things I don't remember are the things that haunt me the most
Trauma Support / by OliverCas
Last post
 April 19th, 2021
...See more Growing up I was sexually exploited, and I ended up in a lot of bad situations. I don't remember a lot of things, maybe the worst of things. And I feel it haunts me the most, to know that my body remembers feelings that my mind does not. I hate that maybe I will never know what happened to me exactly and what they did to me. I hate that I am not in tune with my own body and I have always felt so detached from it because of that.
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