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OmarTorrijos
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PathStep 1 Compassion hearts7 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes0 Current upvotes0 Age GroupAdult Last activeDecember, 2023 Member sinceDecember 18, 2023
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My girlfriend (22m, 22f) feels I am never there for her. What can I do differently?
General Support / by OmarTorrijos
Last post
 December 18th, 2023
...See more So me and my girlfriend are 11 months into our relationship, and I love her more than anything. We are in some ways long distance (we live in different cities, and spend normally 3/4 days a week with eachother). She unfortunately is going through a rough patch of life and with a combination of very difficult family matters and scary health concerns, she's finding things very hard.  Over the last 6/7 months, she has repeatedly explained to me how she feels as if I'm never there for her when she needs me. When she first mentioned this it came as a huge shock to me, because I've always had a reputation as being a reliable friend, and my friends and family would always describe me as someone who is there for people no matter what, and goes above and beyond to help when people are in a difficult situation. It confused me, but I tried to listen and understand why she felt that way.  I have since realised that there HAVE been times in the relationship where I've not been there when I should have. I have sometimes prioritised something trivial in my life over doing something small to help her feel loved, and I fully realise and admit that I've done this on a few occasions. It probably comes from the example given to me by my dad, who has always had a tendancy to hide from difficult situations when he feels unable to fix the problem.  I have since tried to work on this, and although it's been a slow learning process, I think I've made a lot of progress. I have a list in my phone of things I can do to help her feel as if I'm there for her, and ways in which I can help in certain situations. I have been very conscious to not walk away from a situation I don't know how to fix, and not to jump to getting defensive if she tells me I'm doing something wrong.  This all however seems to have made no difference. Something particularly difficult for her has cropped up in the last few days, and I've made sure to help as best I can. While we were together at the weekend, I spent a while afternoon with her helping her work on something related to the issue, and carried on helping her via text after I left to go home. I've made sure to check in on her regularly through the day, including when I was out with a friend, and delayed my meeting with said friend to spend some time on the phone with her when she was panicking. I've been telling her how proud I am, how incredibly strong I think she is, and offering her the opportunity to talk if she wants to.  Tonight, after being out with family and friends, I chose to stay up late to call her, because I knew she would benefit from it. About 10 minutes into the call, she began crying, and I immediately began to comfort her, telling her how well she was doing, how proud I was, how strong she is, and how everything will eventually work out okay. I asked if she wanted to offload anything, what had made her upset, and if there was a anything I could do help her feel better about things. She responded eventually by telling me that she didn't feel loved, and that I don't treat her like my partner. It was shocking for me to hear, but again I asked her what I could do to make sure she does feel that way. It lead nowhere, and eventually she told me I was being cold and defensive and sounded as if I didn't care, and opted to end the call and go to bed. I left feeling completely confused and heartbroken.  So many situations like this have happened, where I've tried everything I can to be there and help her, and I'm always met with the same response. That she doesn't feel loved and cared for and I need to work on myself to fix the fact that I'm not good at being there for her.  I know I've had moments of not being there when I should have been, and moments of being very defensive in regards to that. But I'm trying my hardest to learn from that, and to listen and grow. I can't help but feel like I'm fighting a battle I can't win however. Even when I make changes and go the extra mile to be there, she still feels the same way: unloved and alone. I now feel desperate for help, and my self esteem feels like it's at rock bottom. I don't understand what it is I'm doing wrong.
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