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Packita
3,326 M Seeking Light 1
PathStep 6 Compassion hearts91 Forum posts189 Forum upvotes173 Current upvotes173 Age GroupAdult Last activeAugust, 2023 Member sinceOctober 5, 2016
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Too much
Depression Support / by Packita
Last post
 April 25th, 2018
...See more Hi, I don't know if there is a proper way to start with this so I'll just go ahead and explain my situation. I am 31 and I consider myself a failure. I have a masters but no jobs. Never amounted to anything. I'm in the same place I was 6 years ago when I had first finished with university. I don't know what I want in life or how to get start my life and I don't even know if I want to anymore. I live in a country I hate and that hates me (very long story) and the thought of having to spend the rest of my life here, puts me in a state of constant depression. I am very close to my dad but saddly he is currently dying of ALS (Amniotropic Lateral Sclerosis). He is very weak and miserable and it breaks my heart ever second to see him this way and not be able to do anything. I know he wants to die so he could stop suffering but I also want him to die so he (and I) would stop suffering. My mum and I are the ones taking care of him 24/7 and it is mentally and physically exhausting. My older brother is recently married and today, he announced us that he and his wife are pregnant. I know everyone must think that this is a good thing and I guess it is. I am happy for them, because I love them and I love that they are happy, but I don't like children. I never have. So I am dreading having to interact with my future niece or nephew. This announcement was, for me, the last straw. It's too much change. I can't seem to process everything that is happening all at the same time! I can't handle the pressure anymore and it's giving me panic attacks. I feel a weight on my chest, headaches, I can't breathe right and I just want to scream and cry and run away. The worse part is that I am not allowed to feel the panic attacks. I can't add any more stress on my mum and dad, given their situation and also I can't tell my brother that this news is not a happy news for me personally, that it is a stress and a burden that I did not need and do not want. I always say that I was put on the wrong planet, because I do not fit in anywhere, I don't understand people or society. They honestly make absolutely no sense to me. I just want to go back to my home planet but no one ever comes back for me and I don't know how to go back on my own. Here and now, I am stuck in a place I hate watching the person I love most suffer and die. It is too much. I wish to run away, to leave somewhere very far and be left alone. I've applied for a job near the North Pole (not a joke or an exageration), hoping I get it so I can leave everything behind and just disconnect completely. But I don't think I am going to get it. I am out of options and so very tired. I have no one I can tell all this to, but it needed to be said. However, I don't feel like the weight is any lighter after writing so much. Goodnight
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I need a VERY patient listener
General Support / by Packita
Last post
 January 12th, 2017
...See more I need someone who will not lose hope or patience with me because I have so many issues at the same time and I don't know where to begin...
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Not too sure I am well
Eating Disorder Support / by Packita
Last post
 December 15th, 2016
...See more I've suffered from anorexia for the better part of 16-17 years, and I've had periods where I was doing great and others when I relapsed. These days I feel like I am relapsing but I'm not sure. I force myself to eat three times a day and eat well, but forcing myself has been exhausting for me both physically and mentally. Some days I am so tired with having to make sure I eat and eat well that i choose not to eat, almost so I can rest. That is why I am not sure anymore of my current condition. Am I relapsing or am I well?
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Confused
Relationship Stress / by Packita
Last post
 December 1st, 2016
...See more I met this guy at the beginning of the year and we hit it off immediately. I had never in my life clicked so automatically with anyone and I knew it was reciprocal. We had fun just by being together and we always wanted to be together. He made me meet his family and presented me to friends, it was honestly the most perfect relationship. I thought he was as interested in starting something as I was. But he never actually made any "moves" as in tried to kiss me or have sex or anything. One night i asked him why and turns out he's gay (he says he's bi but more gay than straight). So even though I was very very disappointed I offered to back off. He said he didn't want us to stop seeing each other because he never had such chemistry with anyone in his life and did not want to lose me. Since he didn't want people to know I just told all my friends that he was interested in someone else. So we started out hanging as friends and I had genuinely started to move on when he started to act weird: he hugs me a lot, finds reasons to hold my hand, invites me to weekends at the beach, bought me earrings "just because", or chocolate with strawberries " because he knows they're my favourite ", is always worried about how I'm feeling, keeps joking to everyone that we're getting married and brings up the topic very often. When we go out dancing I actually feel sexual tension between us. His friends and family either tell me he likes me or want him to be with me. Same goes for my friends. It's like he wants to me with me but is scared. Anyway, bottom line is I am completely and utterly confused. He said he's not interested because he's gay but acts like a boyfriend towards me! He's even told me he's stopped looking for a boyfriend for himself. I want to know what is going on with him so I'd know how to react. I am stuck not knowing if I should feel love or friendship and this emotional yoyo-ing is wrecking my mind!!! I would never want to lose him because I've never felt like this so fast (or ever!) with anyone but I am starting to think that maybe it would be healthier? I am terrified of the heartbreak that will ensue. So basically my question is: should I "break up" with him?
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I relapsed and feel another one coming
Eating Disorder Support / by Packita
Last post
 October 10th, 2016
...See more Hi, I am an anorexic and was doing very well for a good long while. But I also suffer from depression and anxiety and lately I've been going through a bad period. So I relapsed the last two weeks and have not really eaten anything. I felt ashamed but at the same time, felt in control of at least one aspect of my life. Since saturday I've been better in both depression and anorexia: I've eaten well and today I cooked. But the anxiety has not lowered so much and my mind is racing. I feel I can not control it and I fear that this is going to cause another relapse very soon. I am scared because I don't want to go back to this dark place.
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I am unable to enjoy life
Anxiety Support / by Packita
Last post
 October 17th, 2016
...See more When something good happens I try to enjoy it fully but spend the whole while thinking about what can go wrong, how I could make it better or how I am going to mess it up. And when the moment is over, I obsess about what I have done wrong, how I lost my chance of ever living such a good moment again, if it really was as good I as thought it was and most often if I was deserving of such a good moment. In short, I never fully enjoy any moment in my life because I am always thinking and mostly negative thoughts.
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