Patrickthoughtful Member Profile

...See more It all started roughly 1 1/2 years ago. I fulfilled my dream of going to the US to pursue my college education. I always enjoyed math so I decided that this should be my field to study. Everything worked out well for the 1st semester. I felt the fire burning inside of me, believing what I was doing was right. This is where I should be at that very moment. Well, I was wrong. After the first semester I had nothing to do. No family, no friends and not allowed to work to make an actual living. That is when my depression started. Deep down I knew I should've stayed at home. But I lied to myself, sugar coated it to make myself feel better. I flew back home in october with mixed feelings. On one hand I was excited to see everyone again but on the other hand I was sad that I basically wasted my time. When I arrived back home I realized that everyone else moved on with their lives except me. I felt like an outcast. I felt alone. So the first couple of months I basically locked myself up trying to figure out what the heck I'm supposed to do with my life. Where should I start? Where should I go? What is my next goal? I basically knew as much as Jon Snow which was nothing. Fast forward until May this year. My birthday was coming up and I really didn't have any plans at all. But I knew I had to do one important thing. A friend of mine whom I let hanging high and dry when I went to the US has her birthday a day before mine. So I wrote a heartfelt message apologizing for everything and wishing her a happy birthday. Eventually she texted me back and asked me if I wanted to join her for her birthday celebration. Hesistant I accepted her invitation. So I went and at her party I met a mutual friend again that I haven't seen for years. But it felt like I just saw her the other day. We immediatly connected again. Laughed, made stupid jokes and had an amazing time. We had such a good time that we actually started dating not that long after. I thought to myself "Well, seems like I'm actually getting my life back together". The usual thoughts and feelings that you have from depression disappeared and I didn't feel alone at all anymore. I actually felt strong. I felt amazing. She was everything I always wanted. July 28: Well, on this day my dad got sick. Everything started with an epileptic shock which later revealed after several tests that he had cancer with no chance of ever beating it. Feeling strong and amazing where suddenly feelings that never existed. I felt lost, confused and helpless. My world fell apart once more even though I thought due to my wonderful girlfriend that everything would be alright again. But hey, life and curveballs. My dad died on October 3rd. I was devastated but tried to stay strong for my mother and my sister. Of course my girlfriend always had my back, supported me where she could but at a price. The support that she gave me reduced the amount of love she had. All the energy she had went into basically holding my hand instead into the wonderful rose tinted moments you have in the beginning of a relationship. By that time, as you are probably thinking already, depression caught up to me again. Which really didn't make our relationship better. All of the sudden I experienced anxiety, mood swings, you name it. Feelings I never experienced before. But i told myself that I have to work on those things. I have to get better again. Not just for me but for the sake of the relationship. The relationship gave me so much strength that I wanted to give my everything to make it work. But it was too late. She left me 2 weeks ago because she didn't feel any love from her side. That she needs distance and time for herself. Of course that threw me into an even deeper hole now which at this moment seems to be impossible to get out off. But I'm holding on to one particular feeling. One feeling that keeps me going even though I am blind as a bat at the moment. I'm holding on to love. I don't know why but the love inside of me, the love that I have for her keeps me going. Maybe after enough time and distance she might come back. Who knows. All I know is that even though I feel like giving up, I can't. I don't know how I'll do it but since life has thrown me 2 devastating curveballs lately, maybe there is a chance for a fastball that I can actually hit. If you're still reading now, thank you for listening to my story.

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