PeachMango333 Member Profile

...See more I needed to type this out while I wait for a listener. I was first sexually harassed and assaulted by my very first boyfriend. He pressured me into losing my virginity when I was 16, I kept saying I didn’t want to. Ever since then I couldn’t even sit down and watch a show without him starting to touch me. I would say no, and then five minutes later he would start doing it again, pause the show then start to try to makeout with me. Because of this I genuinely feel repulsed at the thought of kissing and having sex. He was extremely abusive as well. He did not like when I smoked weed or vapes. He would gaslight me all the time, one time he said he saw me hitting a vape when I never did. He hated my friends and would get mad and ignore me every time I hung out with them. He hacked my social media accounts and pretended to be me messaging my best friend to see if he could catch me smoking weed. It’s been awhile since we broke up because I almost caught an STD from him cheating on me (with a guy who I introduced him to who pretended to be my good friend the entire time, he had messaged me that he tested positive for chlamydia) and boyfriend refused to get tested because he is a child. After that I moved on pretty fast. I was once repulsed at the thought of having sex again and making out with anyone, but something sparked between me and a long time friend. Him and his best friend and I would always hangout. I felt like the it girl for being the third of two male best friends, like it gave me some sick validation for being picked and tolerated as they didn’t tolerate many people, and treated other women horribly, except me…. That’s what I thought until one of them would start sexually harassing me, every five seconds he would make a comment, and sometimes the other would as well. He eventually got comfortable enough to grope my boob and my thigh. He said repulsive stuff to me, and my friend, would throw coins down our boobs, etc. I then began a sexual relationship with one of them who had claimed he had feelings for me while I was dating my ex. Everything was good all summer, it was like a friends with benefits type thing except he treated it like we were dating, he would insinuate to our friends and I that he loved me. I was so happy for three months until school came around. We go to college in the same city as each other, 7 hours away from our home. He said he was emotionally unavailable and couldn’t be with me. He doesn’t talk much to me because he started dating this one girl who he had been hooking up with last school year as well. I felt betrayed, and clearly used for sex once again. After he saw everything my ex did to me. I was disturbed. I lost a girlfriend to this behavior as she began dating the other best friend. At college I tried to move on, however, every time I’m in a situation where it is obvious that somebody is interested in me, I get uncomfortable and nervous. My teeth chatter, I shake, and I’m most likely trying not to throw up. Someone tried to take me home with them and as soon as I processed him subtly trying to show me a condom, tears started streaming down. I couldn’t help it. I don’t know how long it will take to trust anyone new ever again, or how long it will take me to be intimate again. It’s not often people are interested in me, however. I feel like I am an acquired taste. I wish I could skip to the part where I am able to find a good partner to spend time with and who will always be there for me and respect me as a person, I’m afraid that is rare these days. Right now I am grieving all of these relationships as well as all of the ones I lost in the crossfire. Thanks for reading this if you got this far.

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