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I'm new to this place. I'm not sure if I'm doing this right, but I'm trying.
My mother remarried when I was three. He was not a good man. He hit me and my sisters a lot. At least, that's what my middle sister tells me. I'm the oldest sibling, and I can't remember much of my life between 7 to 13. There's no older sibling for me to go to.
My mother was abusive back then, mentally. She's improving now, but there are things I can't forget. My memories trouble me, at least, the ones I still have.
There are times where I feel I have remembered something terrible, and I feel the emotions with it, but then the memory is gone as fast as it came. It's like I feel the ghosts of stuff that happened forever ago. It could be anything. It could be just from how someone's eyebrows resemble my stepfather's. It could just be me catching a glimpse of my father holding a belt for whatever reason. It could be someone with the same styled hair as my stepfather. I saw someone that looked just like my stepfather on the sidewalk and I was anxious the entire day.
I grew up with untreated Bipolar. It made it difficult to control myself. I grew up angry and miserable. My stepfather and mother were treating us poorly and I could never shut my mouth like my sisters. I was always in trouble. They took my things from me regularly when they were the ones that were wrong. Now, I am very possessive of all my things.
I grew up mostly homeschooled. I didn't return to school until the 9th grade. We were poor and couldn't go anywhere or do much of anything. We didn't go out because we had to save gas money. Before my sisters were born, it was different. Times got tougher after them, though. I was alone, with no access to friends. My electronics were everything to me. They gave me access to the outside world. They gave me entertainment during dark times, and friends for me to talk to. Yet, every moment of my life I was constantly waiting for my parents to snatch them away from me when they were the ones harming me. They knew the easiest way to break me was through my possessions because hitting me didn't work like it had worked on my sisters.
My sisters could shut their mouths and actually control what they said. I tried really hard to do that too. Me and my father both lack the mental filter others come packaged with. It's really bizarre; we'll just say or react on a hair trigger and realize what we've done right after. Every injustice raised by my parents made me speak out. Maybe they thought it was fun to torment me because I was always guaranteed to give a reaction.
I have been medicated for Bipolar, and my mental filter has improved a lot. So maybe it's a Bipolar thing.
There must be things my stepfather has done that I can't remember. I'm pretty sure there is. I visited him with my sisters for the last time some time ago. We went to a hotel. He and my littlest sister went to the pool while me and my middle sister remained in the room. Fear had been creeping in on me the entire time I was near him. I felt like a prey animal that had stupidly stepped in front of a vicious predator. I felt dread.
I was always repulsed by being hugged by him. I always felt trapped and disgusting whenever he touched me.
Men frighten me now. It's hard to sit near my father, even though I know he's a good dad.
My mother always punished me for showing emotion. Now I hide away from others in my room while also desperately needing comfort. Whenever I feel emotion, I am unable to express myself. It gets bottled up until I have a breakdown. I constantly feel like I'm behind a glass wall, where people can see in and I can see out, but we can never touch.
I was expressing emotion to others when I had my ex-partner. It became too much for him, I guess. I showed him my weakest side. One day, he abandoned me. I feel embarrassed and disgusted whenever I remember the things I'd told him.
Recently, I've been miserable. I keep doing everything I should be doing. I talk to my friends, manage to do my schoolwork, yet I never feel happy. I feel every emotion under the sun, yet I can never just feel at rest. I just want a break.
Anyways, that's my story.