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PetuliaE
2,860 M Hopeful Heart 6
PathStep 53 Compassion hearts39 Forum posts23 Forum upvotes29 Current upvotes29 Age GroupAdult Last activeOctober, 2023 Member sinceMarch 10, 2021
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New relationship
Anxiety Support / by PetuliaE
Last post
 October 30th, 2021
...See more I've been in this relationship for about five months and I think it's making my anxiety and depression worse, despite my medication. He hasn't done anything wrong and has been extremely supportive, but I can't help but to think about all the catastrophic things that might happen in our future. It's exhausting to balance that worries about my academic and professional pursuits.
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Changes
Depression Support / by PetuliaE
Last post
 November 11th, 2021
...See more My last episode (November-May) was the longest and darkest depressive low I've ever had. Messed up my productivity and my physical health. I got back on track with therapy and medication. Medication saved my life. I had a good spell of about 2 and half months. I started a relationship during May. My therapist told me to be upfront and it turned out okay. He really surprised me. But now I'm at another low cycle. It started oozing in around mid August and it's getting worse with the autumnal changes. I'm desperate for some relief. I'm tired of crying and fighting to eat, shower, leave the apartment. I can't seem to handle any form of stress. I overthink where I am in my life, lots of negative obsessive thoughts about my relationship and myself. I begin to question whether it was a good idea to get together. But it feels too late to turn back because despite all the negativity, I can feel that I love him. So I'm trying again. For him, my family, my friends, because I can't even try for myself this time. I'm just so tired. So I've been been the doctor and I've started my meds again and I'm impatiently waiting for some level of peace. Just a slice.
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Numb
Relationship Stress / by PetuliaE
Last post
 April 29th, 2021
...See more At 28, I went on my first date seven weeks ago. I decided to do it and the circumstances of the date were really spontaneous and out of character for me. Things got very heated and suddenly he was all over me. It wasn't unexpected that we would get physical at some point, we had both been clear that we were attracted to each other. However, it was very fast and it confused the hell out of me. He checked in and before it went further, I had to ask him to stop. Our conversations disintegrated and I assumed he wasn't interested anymore. So I looked for other prospects but I couldn't get it out of my mind and stopped. So I asked him about it and he said he assumed I was seeing other people. We both made assumptions then, but I beat myself so much, overanalyzed and ruminated that it all tore into me, and I now realise it was because it was my first sexual encounter. But since then I've felt rejected and alienated from my body. My desires have been extinguished. And now I know I was just another bangable option for him but I also think I ruined any possibility with my miscommunication. I also know that it's largely my inexperience in all matters of relationship and sex, and I wonder all long the impact will last to make detached from myself.
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Sleeping
Depression Support / by PetuliaE
Last post
 March 31st, 2021
...See more When my depression returned, I couldn't sleep, but since it's taken a dive for the worse all I do is sleep. I sleep through meal times and then I lack the energy to shower and clean. I take my medicine routinely but it doesn't work. I talk to my therapist and that helps. I've told my friends and I've asked them to remind me to shower and eat. I cut my hair because I couldn't keep up with it. And then I did something stupid and went on a date when I knew I wasn't ready, and the ensuing neuroticism and rumination ruined any possibility and added to my constant state of dread. I've had depression over the years, and I've normally been able to deal with it through exercise and eating right and reading etc but I haven't been able to muster the energy and concentration to do any of these things for almost two months. This is, in fact, the lowest I've felt in all my life. Lower than the ground. Infinitesimal, ugly, and stupid. All I do now is lie and make excuses why I can't see people or why I've done something instead of saying what I'm feeling. My skin is feverish, my head is light and unfocused, my limbs move automatically ands sometimes I truly think that my mind is eager to die but my body has some basic biological response that wants it survive. My life feels meaningless and even this message was a waste.
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