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PointlessRecursion
45 M Embraced
PathStep 3 Compassion hearts4 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes0 Current upvotes0 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 1970 Member sinceJanuary 2, 2015
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Don't you hate being asked to make a title first?
Depression Support / by PointlessRecursion
Last post
 February 1st, 2015
...See more So, I guess starting with the introduction post in the introduction forum is the place to start.   I don't know anymore. I'm male. Middle-aged. Tired of even the smallest things being such a struggle. My wife and I have moved to a new city for her work. We know nobody here. I can't get a job. I can't even get rejection letters. I'm educated, have two degrees. I've worked for years before. But something about moving here just... I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels. I feel like there is some magic list out there, with all the names of people who you are never supposed to hire on it, and that somehow, I've gotten on that list. My wife goes off to work. So I'm left home alone all day. I go through the jobs postings. Apply to the ones that look good. Get no reply. We can make rent on just her salary. I get to eat *most* days. I shut off all the lights and the heat and just huddle by my computer. Trying to get through one more day. Hoping that I'll find something that will give me a little hope that maybe, just maybe, tomorrow will be a little different. It's been six months now. Nothing has changed. I think she has been falling out of love with me for a while now. It's been months since we last had sex. Last year, because I was tired of feeling like a jerk for always pushing, I just let it go. We didn't have sex for a whole year. She gives the same excuses. She's tired and stressed... and sure, she is. But I can't help but feel that I've become less a husband and more an annoying roommate/giant man-child that she is forced to take care of. Would a job help things? Probably not, but it couldn't hurt. I don't know anyone in this city. I didn't have many friends back home, and from Facebook and all, they are moving on with their lives. I feel like I've vanished, become a ghost, forced to look in on the world moving on and forgetting about me while I'm still there, invisible. I keep hoping that when I go to sleep, I just won't wake up. Just drift off into the warm and dark of my sleep. I don't dream... or if I do, it's reoccuring dreams of dark and warm. Or maybe the tree outside will break and smash into the room, splatting me before I can wake up. Instead, almost cruelly, I wake up and it's daylight again. Time to spend another day alone with the computer... applying to jobs they won't even acknowledge that I've applied to... I should have taken the name Sisyphus.
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