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:Huge trigger warning:
Hey everyone, I have a lot of trouble talking about my experiences and I even question them. This is the first time I am posting this on the internet and it is a really long story, I am going to include everything I can think of. I just want this to be a space where I can just spill out all of my thoughts and release some pressure.
So I am currently 14 years old and I am a female, just putting some preferences to base this all on.
(this part doesn't include my friend but I thought it would be good to bring it up) At this point, I was in kindergarden and this is probably the first thing that happened to me. i remember just getting out of the bathroom and standing in the middle of the hall, likely waiting for a friend, my class was probably just down the hall. A boy in the same class came over to me and asked if he could do "something" to me, and not to tell everyone. Promise not to tell anyone. I was naive back then, as I always am. I told him sure, what was he going to do. I promised I won't tell anyone. He refused to tell me what he was going to do and just said he "just wanted to do it really fast" He then rubbed his hand right in the area in between of my legs for a good 2 seconds. He then walked away, telling me to not say a word to anyone and went in line. I just stood there. Confused, frightened and violated. I wasn't sure what happened, it just felt so wrong. I did end up telling my mom after school that day, good for me. I am guessing she called or emailed the school as the next day, the kid stared at me in the eyes and said, "I hate you"
This honestly shocked me and made me very upset. I shouldn't have ben upset but I have always wanted everyone to like me and it made me sad when people didn't. My feelings were so easily hurt.
I really don't feel bad for him now and I am extremely glad I told my mom and got him in trouble. I just wish I didn't let him touch me and said no. I can't get this inncodent out of my head no matter how minor it was. I just can't help but wonder how he learned that behavior at such a young age.
Clearly, I didn't learn from this inncodent
Now this is where my friend comes in.
At this time, i was around third grade, probably 7, 8 or 9. I don't really remember my age.
My friend (im going to call her Shelly) was someone I looked up to. She was a year older than me, a grade level up, athletic, nice, sassy and liked a lot of things I did. i looked up to her so much, I believed everything she said and did everything she wanted to do. i thought she was cool.
One night, there was a party at my brother's friends house (ill call him Derick) that we both attended and we were hanging out in Derick's room. Shelly, my sister and I loved the paranormal and we both believed in ghosts and aliens. Shelly suddenly brung up that an alien was communicating with her?? I believed her. She told me either my sister or me had to do something with her or my family, someone close to me, or even me may get hurt if I don't do it. And it had to happen on Dericks bed. I was scared, not sure what to think. I would ask:
What is going to happen
When
How
She answered that she didn't know, we just had to do it. One of us.
She said it would only take 2 minutes
Only once, for ever
You will be completely brainwashed from what happened right after it is finished.
Why did I believe her, I DONT KNOW!!!
My sister was smart though. She said no, she didn't want go do it.
Only I was left.
Shelly told me
"Do you want someone to get hurt, or killed, you will get brainwashed, just once, 2 minutes, your sister will guard the door in case the boys come up."
I agreed to it. Idiot. I thought I was some hero. Some sick hero. I am going to save people and someday they will unknowingly thank me.
Nervous
Panicked
Frightened
I did it.
After, she acted like she forgot. Like she didn't know what happened. I remembered though. So clearly. i know she remembered. She didn't just make me do this once. A second time. I questioned her but I complied like some servant, a toy. My sister, smartly stepped out again. Leaving me to deal with it again. Like a hero.
Worse, after this, we remained friends for years and then she shoved me away, i like to think out of guilt but I didn't understand why. At the time, what happened felt wrong, but I didn't know why. I was just scared, confused, ignorant and naive. Now I know, and I am glad she is gone. not completely though. My parents are close friends with Shelly's parents so I am still forced to see her occasionally. And it hurts.
This really started to affect me in middle school. For a long time, my sister thought what happened was funny, occasionally would joke about it while I will stare at her like I wanted to murder her. One time in 6th grade, she nudged me
"remember?"
during a happy dinner, infront of my whole family. This set my older brother off, he wanted to know. He got angry when I refused to tell him, and when he would guess, I would atomatically say yes, trying to drive him away from the truth. My sister would come back and say
"No! it is so much worse! Much much worse, you shouldn't know!" She was finally getting the hint it wasn't funny but i wish she just played along with me. The next day, my brother got worse. He yelled at me, said how mad he was at me that I won't tell him. Said he won't talk to me. I wasn't going to budge. But my sister made this worse.
She explained she felt bad for my brother, that she thinks we should tell him. I told her know and she brung this up multiple times through out the day. She wanted to tell him everything, about a problem I had to face, a problem that she was there to watch and didn't even care. I gave into her. Let her tell him in private, without me so I can hide in my shame. I trusted her to keep quiet about it, to shut her mouth , I had all of my trust in her. But she has done nothing but say things about me that I didn't want her to say. I don't understand why I still trusted her but at that time, she was there. I had no choice but to trust her. After she told me brother, I asked her what she said to him.
I hated what she said. She said it in the worst possible way. Made me look like an idiot an explained every detail, including how we did it. I was so crushed. She even told me his response.
"It wasn't as bad as I thought."
What happened didn't even matter to him.
I felt like a joke
A baby
Idiot
Naive
Ignorant
weak
Upset about something that didn't even matter. My mom even had to sit me down and ask me what happened. I tod ther truth until she asked me if there was "contact" and I quickly said no.
Liar
Guilt formed a black pit in my stomach, lump in my throat. I delt with that for years. In 7th grade, everything escalated.
I want to assure you that I have never hated the LGBTQ+ community. Even with what happened, a lot of my friends now are LGBTQ and I trust them all so much. I never thought they would do bad things to me but I still refused to tell them what happened. They were already dealing with bullying, and depression. I needed to help them. I neglected myself, ignoring my feelings and only paying attention to them. Coming to school everyday with a huge smile on my face. Acting as happy and energetic as possible.
Fake
I had screaming outbursts in class, trying to be as joyful and obnocious in class. I was so fake. The fakest person ever, i couldn't even be an actual person in front of the people that mattered to me. i just wore a mask all day long, every day. It got so bad that one of my friends started to hate me. Called me a stalker, weird and annoying. I made certain jokes that was kind of mean but not meant to be. I wasn't myself at all. I wasn't even doing things that I wanted to do. i wasn't helping. When I got home I would always drop my attitude and just be exhausted. Hateful things about myself would drown me. I still continued to act like I was fine. I didn't even feel safe to be myself at home. I built a concrete wall around me with no doors.I remember a unit my music teacher had, about vulrability. I cried the second I got out of the class. I was trying to hold it in but my concrete wall was breaking. it was being crumbled and smashed. Me, crying in school. Showing myself. I felt like there was no safety. No comfort to help me back up. Even when my friends saw me like this, i couldn't tell them.
I eventually did tell them. And it felt so good to let myself go. They cared about me and I was able to take my mask off and Finally show them me. We became so much closer and we were able to support each other. I wasn't feeling good for long. There was still something missing, closure that wasn't yet fufilled. I still lied to my mom.
Liar
I was ready to tell my friends, but not my own mother. I still didn't want to talk to my mom about it. How I lied to her. Guilt hit me like it never had before. I can't even handle a single lie. It got so bad that a began to cry every night. My sister staring at me, not sure what to say.
O well, she is crying again.
This went on for a whole quarter. My friends told me to just tell my mom. It took months of convincing but I finally did. She was kind, and understanding. Like a mother should. It was great. I finally felt like I would be okay. But, its not over. my brother heard me sobbing and decided to ease drop on our conversation. My sister caught him and called him out. She told me what he said.
"I think your sister lost her" and whistled
She told him he shouldn't do that and they were both screaming in front of my parents bed room. When I walked out of the room, my sister went into her room and my brother was just on the banister staring at me. Staring and grinning. I will never forget the way he grinned at me. I just acted like I didn't know why he was smiling. In reality, my insides died. My sister told me what happened, apparently my dumb brother was listening to that too. A huge fight broke out and I was terrified for my life. he was banging on our door, screaming on top of his lungs and told us to shut up if we even coughed. He listened to our every word. It was scary nd we were both crying. That night, he learned we were always scared of him.
All my life he has critisized my every move and word, pointed out everything bad about me. This made me very self concoius.
He called me stupid
retarded
brain dead
annoying
worthless
ugly
rat
and female parts
He was really aggressive and would often verbally and mentally abuse me.
I began to think these things about myself. i still think I am dirty. These thoughts eventually reached my body image. I didn't only think I was not thin enough, I believed i was dirty, worthless, a waste and that I didn't deserve food. I felt like I should only get food when I deserve it. I hate feeling full and I would get so many thoughts, wanted to throw up. I have never thrown up but I have made many attempts. I have never physically harmed myself or wanted to commit suicide, nor do I ever want to but this is just a problem that I am currently dealing with. I still havn't told my friends about this. I even feel horrible for not forgiving my sister. She has apologized, she has showed that she was sorry. She hasn't told my secrets since but I still don't forgive her. I even blame her.
I blame her for being smarter than me. i blame her for thinking it funny. I blame her for leaving me alone and watching. I blame her for making sure the boys didn't come up stairs. i blame her for telling my brother. I blame her for everything. And I feel horrible. But at the same time i blame myself for everything.
I was the one who said I would do it. I was the one who was ignorant enough to not see the red flags. I was the one who believed Shelly. I was the idiot that did it twice. I was the one who ignored my own questions. I was am the one who has always made it worse for myself. Why can't everything just be normal.
I have been planning for a long time to right a story on my experience and how it made me feel. I am still wondering if its a good idea, I am still scared putting myself out there. If you managed to read all of this, thanks so much. I really appreciate that you took the time to read this and i am sorry for writing my life story on here :/ If anyone can give me advice on what I am going through, it would mean the world. Take care of yourselves and love yourself. You are worth everything.
Lots of luck and love
