RachelsMercy Member Profile

...See more I feel like I am a fundamentally broken person. I honestly would kill myself but I have a 10 year old son who needs me. I have two other kids but they hate me. I try to be a good person, I help people whenever they ask, I listen to everyones problems, Im not pushy, I wont ask for help unless I really really need it, I go broke trying to make my older two kids happy and trying to help them, and yet I have no real friends, I can almost never get help even when Its an emergency, my friends arent real friends, my older two kids use me and hate me, my sons father was with me for 15 years and wouldnt marry me, and treats me like crap, every other man Ive dated used me and treated me like crap, my family hates me, ive been the black sheep my entire life. Every job I had I was the outcast. I dont know what is so wrong with me. I barely speak in social settings, Im so used to being talked over, ignored and cut off if I try to talk so I just try not to speak unless spoken directly to. At my last job I barely spoke, any time I said something I was told "Put it in your book". Literally everyone at my job would be talking about something like music for hours, and I would shyly make a comment about something and be snapped at "put it in your book!". I was used by all my "friends" in highschool. They all would ignore me unless they needed a house to party in, or a girl to have sex with, then they would trash my house or come sleep with me then ignore me for weeks. My mom threw me out when I was 18 because I got pregnant and nobody would take me in. Then my aunt fought me for custody of my baby and my entire family and several people I thought were friends helped her because my cousin bought them drugs and partied with them. I eventually repaired my relationship with my mom as long as I never brought up anything she did to hurt me and never wanted an apology. She was the only person I had to talk to but she died a year and a half ago. When she died, my family tried to order me around about her funeral and then tried to make it about them, and cut me off when I refused to allow it. My "friends" were supportive for literally a couple days then went right back to talking about themselves. There is SO much more. The way Im writing this, it sounds all jumbled and like I just found bad friends or have selfish family. But I really dont believe that anymore. I think there is something completely and 100% fundamentally wrong with me and this is all my fault. If it was other people then it wouldnt be literally everyone I meet. My whole family shuns only me. My high school friends didnt treat anyone else that way. My coworkers were nice and friendly with everyone but me. My friends now do everything together and leave me out every time. They talk to each other and have real converations right in front of me and ignore me or cut me off if I try to talk. They support and help each other but never can if I ask for help or support. They are always "busy" when I ask. My older kids that live with my aunt never talk to me unless they need or want something. once they get it they ignore me again. My oldest was very close to me for awhile but started using that to manipulate me and when I caught on and tried to stop it she would cut me out of her life, then apologize, act like things were back to normal then manipulate again. This went on for two years and now that I put my foot down my 17 year old went off on me and went behind my back to other people trying to make me look bad to them. I fantasize about suicide. My son is the only reason I havent killed myself. I cut myself in private, I drink in secret to drown the pain, I spend hours dreaming about not exisisting. I feel like if it wasnt me that was the problem I would have at least one person who cared. I worry as my son gets older he will realize what a horrible person I am and he will do the same as everyone else. If that happens I will kill myself. I am the kind of person that will literally give someone the shirt off my back if they need it. I cook for others, I give people food for their kids, babysit for free, listen to others problems for hours, drop everything to keep people company because nobody else could and I was the last pick. I loan people money, I give people clothes, help with their pets, spend hours searching online for referals for health problems, help people clean their homes, worked for a friend for way below minimum wage, I live my life doing for others way more than I do for myself because I hope if I am not a bitch, and I am kind, and loving, and giving, and helpful, SOMEONE will love me back one day and care about me and be there for me and it never happens. If I pull back at all and stand up for myself and stop being so giving I cant win then either. then everyone talks behind my back about how much ive changed, and that Im hostile and standoffish. they claim they have to pull back because im so different. literally all I changed was I dont say yes to everything, i dont drop everything every time im asked, and I dont let people walk all over me I dared put my foot down and expected people to keep their word about stuff. and that makes me hostile? I give up. I am for some reason a horrible person no matter what. there is something so basically wrong with me i dont get or deserve love. nothing i say or do works. im always wrong and always last. i hate myself and want to die.

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