RainbowDaisy02 Member Profile

...See more Hi I’m extremely new to this so I’m not sure how this all works but I no longer know who to talk to I’m very alone, I’ll try and keep this short I don’t know how I’m going to do that but here goes, I’m F(32) 2 kids under 4 stay at home mum engaged- but I feel it was a shut up ring. I grew up with an abusive mother in a crazy abusive house, s*xualy assaulted from 7-10yo so I have a fair few traumas from that. Went to therapy when I turned 18. Feel like I’ve work through alot of my SA trauma. Got pregnant at 19 forced into an abortion 3 days later he dropped me off at his dad’s house after 2 year relationship. That was one of the lowest points I wanted it all to end but I knew I had so much more in this life. Fast forward few *** relationships searching for someone that loves me ended up with the guy I’m with 9years ago. Ignored any red flag because let’s be real I didn’t value myself as anything but a broken red flag myself. I leaving a lot out but I got pregnant 5 years ago, bf came to me to ask if he could sleep with a corn star it broke me he had obviously been talking with her sharing pics the works it broke me a few days later I had a miscarriage then a month after that I lost my best friend my homie (my doggy) it all broke me pretty good but once again I just out past how I’m feeling and just get on with it. Got pregnant with our rainbow baby not long after losing my doggo. I went from a fit 64kgs pretty good looking to health issues 95kgs diabetic I feel a lot fell apart between us his tyrants grew worse I don’t think there’s anything he hasn’t called me before some really vile *** then 2nd kid came along and it’s just all the same I get told how horrid I am I’m not woman enough I’m useless why am I hear no one wants me blah blah blah found him cheating with multiple women several times it’s it’s always my fault I shouldn’t have looked (all online as I’m aware) doesn’t matter it’s really hurt me all I do is cook every meal for him if he wants or needs anything I go out and get it for him yet he wouldn’t never do that for me and I’m constantly told I never do anything for him, I’m stupid ugly fat a waste of 9 years. He has on multiple occasions asked for other women to be in the relationship too he would be happy with 4-6 partners. I have told him I’m done with the cheating the throwing others in my face if I’m not enough I’m ok with that but I don’t want to be apart of that *** and I’d happily leave but he also won’t let me take the kids it would be over my dead body and I believe that. So in the last few months I’ve really tried to work on myself I now see a kinesiologist chiro and go to therapy, but I’m told I’m no better I need to be in therapy daily. I truly believe I’m a wonderful person and the best mother I can be I put my kids first do everything for them. They aren’t around when a lot of these things are said and done I wouldn’t allow that I am not allowing my childhood to be theirs they are so loved and cared for, for the most part they are in a loving nurturing environment. But as for our relationship noT so much we are a roller coaster we love so hard then something goes wrong and it all goes to ***. I feel so much that I do triggers him I ask him something I’m nagging just a horrible person to be around I’m unbearable the list goes on. Today I told my kid to stay away from the other if she is going to be mean and that was me bullying apparently. I was dumbfounded and it just started *** he said he wants other women then I can have time with them and they will all say how crazy I am, I don’t act female enough I’m a male. Well that was a trigger for me I just turned and said I’m done I will not have someone throwing that *** in my face of other women you want other women go get them just don’t expect me to be here I’m tired Of being told I’m not enough. Maybe I’m not enough for him but I am enough and I am trying to build myself back up I don’t need him pulling me down yes maybe I’m still a bit negative and a bit hard to deal with at points but I am trying my hardest and to still be here after the mental abuse he has done to me is almost unfathomable. But here I am writing this not knowing what I can do for myself I’m just over it I’m trying so hard yet it will never be enough. Apart from my therapist I see once a month I don’t know what to do on days like this I try and listen to meditations but it just consumes me. If you made it to the end thank you 💕

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