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Hi. Looking for some advice/reassurance from those with experience dating someone with mental illness.
I’m so sorry this is so long, feel free to ask clarifying questions if need be.
My boyfriend (26) has bipolar disorder. I (22) have borderline personality disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder. We’ve been together for five years now. He was diagnosed as a child, I was diagnosed around age 18. When I was 18-19 years old, I experienced my lowest point, my mental health was at its worst. And he was there, every step of the way. Through numerous inpatient stays, literally countless episodes, etc. And we got through it. I’m a lot, lot better now, it’s like an entirely different world for me.
But the past year, give or take, has been extremely challenging for him and his mental health. We were touring apartments to move in together, but then it all kind of went downhill. Due to COVID, he was having job issues and it triggered him a lot I think. Just the instability, shame at not being able to meet his end of things financially, therefore preventing us from getting an apartment. He started having frequent episodes. One episode last Nov resulted in him showing up at my door and dumping me. A few weeks later, he seemed more stable and we talked it through. Slowly but surely things improved, though his mental health was still suffering. In Apr of this year, he basically did it again. During an episode, he first just kind of disappeared for a bit, then texted me to break up with me. After about a month or so, he seemed stable again and we talked it through. Though much slower this time to really build things up.
Since then, there’s been times where he just… disappears. We live an hour and a half away from each other right now, so texting and calling is our main form of communication. We used to text all day every day, used to call a few times a week. He always said he liked that I’m “clingy” because it makes him feel loved. Like that I want to talk to him about my day and just the small things. That I miss him and want to hear from him. But there’s been multiple times in the past six months where he just checks out for a week or so. Just doesn’t reply, and then eventually tells me he was just withdrawing, it’s not just me it’s everyone, he’s sorry, etc. And I’ve been doing my best to be empathetic and patient, to give him space when he disappears. Because clearly that’s what he wants. He says he loves me, he still wants that future we dreamt of together. After one of these episodes, I asked him if he was “in or out”. As in, am I just wasting my time, does he even care, is he going to be in my life or not? And he didn’t hesitate, he said he’s in. I truly believe he is the love of my life, my soulmate, my partner. We’ve been through so, so much.
On Oct 1, I had to rush my cat to the emergency vet. I was an emotional wreck. And he was my rock. But then a few days later, he once again checked out for like five or six days. He didn’t apologize, just said it wasn’t just me, he wasn’t talking to anyone. I countered this, as I’d been watching his Snapchat score rise the whole time, meaning he was sending and/or receiving Snapchat’s with someone the whole time. He insisted it was a group chat with his friends. Which would’ve been fine, if he wasn’t so zero to ten about it, defensive and angry. He was clearly still having an episode. He went off on me about how I don’t know him, my BPD makes me see him as either a monster or a white knight, etc. I gave myself and him space for a night. The next day I explained in a long, calm text that I do know him. I do love him and care about him. But that it’s not fair to bring up my BPD like that, especially when it’s not even true. I told him two things can be true at the same time, I can be grateful for how he was there for me when my cat was sick and I can be upset for how he disappeared (and the whole Snapchat thing). He replied, again lashing out in an episode, saying irrational things like I have insane standards and I should “go find someone better for you like your aunt says”. At this point, I was really upset. I tried to be calm and rational, I tried to explain how he’s off base, I tried to tell him I love him and care about him. But he has this tendency to just lash out when he’s having episodes, as if the irrational thoughts are coming from me and not from in his own head. We’ve talked about it a lot in the past, and he had agreed to stop taking it out on me. I have so much to focus on right now, most importantly my education, and he agrees fully that he can’t let his bipolar affect my education. And this was the first time in months he had lashed out at me like that. So I tried to be firm on my boundary and I didn’t reply. I thought in a day or so, he’d calm down and apologize for what he said.
instead two weeks later, still nothing from him, I broke down and texted him asking if I can call him. My cat was doing even worse and I just needed him and missed him so badly. No reply to the text. About half an hour later, On my way home from the vet, I called him and he didn’t answer. I left a voicemail, sobbing about the cat and explaining I didn’t reply to him because I was hurt and upset and I thought he’d calm down once he had space and he’d reach out to me. I said I missed him. He never replied. Two weeks ago I sent him a letter, like we used to do when we first started dating. He still has most of my letters from back then. I wrote about how much I love him, how I’m upset but trying to be empathetic and patient, how when I was at my worst I needed him to be right there but I guess when he’s struggling he needs to be alone. I tried to mainly just remind him I love him and care about him. No reply. Last week I mailed him a drawing I did, again we both keep drawings from each other. All I wrote to go with it was that I love him and happy fifth anniversary. No reply. Not even a text on our anniversary.
so I’m struggling. A lot. It’s so hard to stay out of my head. The “what if”s are intense. What if he’s with someone else? What if he just woke up one day and realized he doesn’t love me? What if I’m just not enough for him to get through this rough time? My cat is still very sick, I’m really stressed. I work full time and do school part time. The situation with him and the situation with my cat are almost entirely out of my control and it makes me so overwhelmed and anxious. I do have a therapist that I talk to every other week. I do yoga three or four times a week. I am on a few medications. I have a small support group, but I worry I bother them will all of this too much.
I want to believe he’s just withdrawing and once he’s stable enough, he’ll reach out. I want to believe he loves me as much as I love him, and still thinks I’m his soulmate too. And still wants the future we dreamt of. I want to believe it’s really not just me that he’s not in contact with. I’m just so worried and overwhelmed. I want to believe it’ll work out because we are meant to be. I mean it’s been five years, we’ve been through worse, this isn’t the first time in the past year he’s done this. And instead of taking it out on me and affecting my education, he did start just taking space to handle it on his own. Occam’s Razor would point to it being as “simple” as a bipolar episode leading to social withdraw. But honestly I’m scared of the “what if”s. I feel like with so much going on, so much pressure and fear and worry, with him and my cat and everything, I feel like I’m cracking a bit under it all. I try so hard to take it day by day and focus on myself but it’s all a lot and it hurts.
I’m so, so sorry this is so long. I’m scared of being judged, most people don’t understand mental illness in relationships and they didn’t see me at my worst because he was the only one there for me. I don’t believe that “in sickness and in health” starts just because you say “I do”. He isn’t on medication or seeing a therapist, last I heard, due to not having health insurance.
thank you in advanced for even reading this. If anyone has experience with something similar, struggles with similar mental illness, etc. please reach out if you can.
